Our Ridiculously Early Super Rugby Form 15 Rankings

A form XV? But the season hasn’t even started yet! We know, and that’s why this list is A. Absolutely nuts, and B. Completely argument proof. Perfect!

Here we take a look at all 18 rosters and pick our Super Rugby starting team for the launch of the 2016 competition. Think we’ve got it wrong? All good with us – be sure to name your form XV and get in touch. Let the fun and games begin!

15

There is a temptation to put Ben Smith in here without even thinking about it. Last year the man known as ‘The Oracle’ led his Super Rugby side to grand final glory simply through the power of his mind. Smith is the Vulcan of rugby – an emotionless, gloriously logical player who makes no mistakes. What a guy to have at the back!

Then again, the Waratahs have Israel Folau, a man whose true value can be measured by how much he was missed by the Wallabies in the Rugby World Cup final. A fully fit Israel Folau is a very different proposition: twice winner of the John Eales medal, a Super Rugby Champion in 2014, and a one-man stat attack.

Then there’s Willie le Roux, not to be confused with Pepe le Pew.

It’s a close call, but on sheer number production, our fullback spot goes to Israel Folau

14

This is the ultimate apples and oranges comparison. How to choose between Nehe Milner-Skudder and Waisake Naholo. Okay, there are some similarities: both made their All Blacks debut in 2015 and both played in last year’s Super Rugby final. But that’s about where the similarities end.

Milner-Skudder has the best step in the game, a combination of River Dance and backyard arrogance that leaves most opponents grasping at air about three minutes after he’s run past them. Naholo once made turned Cheslin Kolbe into swiss cheese and prefers to step right over people, instead of around them.

This is hell, but we’re gonna plump for evasiveness on the right wing and give the spot to Nehe Milner-Skudder

13

In recent seasons you could pretty much narrow this down to a two-horse race between Conrad Smith and Jean de Villiers, but the 2016 season ushers in a brand new era, and with it some new contenders for the centre spot.

Damien de Allende has gone from a Stormers outsider to a dead set lock in the thick of the Springbok midfield and all signs point to him kicking on in 2016 as the premier South African centre. de Allende has what all the great centres have – an uncanny acceleration and some vice-like defensive nous.

Back at the Blues, however, Rene Ranger is back. Ranger has knocked at least half of the backs in Super Rugby into next week. Former Rebel James O’Connor once got hammered so badly trying to tackle Ranger that he was forced to leave the field with an acute case of embarrassment.

Making Ranger even more dangerous is the fact he can easily play 12 or on the wing. He’s a triple threat.

Damn it, he’s in. Our centre is Rene Ranger

12

No Ma’a. Denied.

We have been forced to cast the net far and wide here, and that net has unfortunately hauled in a whole lot of by-catch.

Down at the Crusaders the formidably straight-laced Ryan Crotty may well be the kind of player to get the best out of a bunch of untested first fives. He will never be the biggest ball carrier, but he has all the organisational nous the position demands. He may have spent much of his time one out, but we like him at 12.

Meanwhile, over in Brisbane, coach Richard Graham is trying to avoid being sacked before the season even starts, so surely his game plan involves getting the ball to Samu Kerevi as much as possible. Fijian-born Kerevi led the side last year in linebreaks, tackle busts and tries. He is about the best thing going at the Reds.

We like him too, and our 12 is Samu Kerevi

11

Tickets please! The Bus beats all comers here. Our left wing is Julian Savea

10

If you want to become a millionaire, trademark the phrase, “you can’t win Super Rugby without a first five”. This line has now been repeated so often it is now just taken as gospel, and who are we to argue with gospel?

So where do we start? What about in South Africa, with the Bulls and Handre Pollard. The Bulls’ general came to New Zealand as a South African under-20 and became a sensation. Just nine tests into his Springbok career, he’s already run  more metres than Morne Steyn did in 60 tests. We like that fact. We don’t like the fact his knee virtually exploded in a freak training accident and he’s out for the entire Super Rugby season.

In Australia the frontrunner will once again be Bernard Foley. The Waratahs’ star is the most underestimated first five in world rugby, which is strange, really, as he is an outstanding runner and a goal kicking savant. Maybe it’s the name. Yep, definitely the name.

With Dan Carter’s retirement, New Zealand now has a first five vacuum, and nature has nothing on rugby fans when it comes to abhorring a vacuum. There are three big names chasing the number one spot in the All Blacks pecking order: Lima Sopoaga, Beauden Barrett, and the returning Aaron Cruden. That’s going to be an entertaining race, but we’re going to go out on a limb here, and give the nod, name notwithstanding, to Bernard Foley

9

Aaron Smith

Anyone want to argue? No? Didn’t think so.

8

Why did you leave Duane Vermuelen? Come back! Ah well, that leaves David Pocock or Kieran Read*, which is an impossible choice. One saves trees and stands up for all sorts of people who can’t fight for themselves. The other played the Rugby World Cup final with a high ankle sprain and captains the Crusaders.

That last bit was the kicker.

Our number 8 is David Pocock

*We do also have a massive soft spot for Lions captain Warren Whiteley

7

The world’s open side flankers are still rejoicing the retirement of Richie McCaw, which is fair enough. The GOAT didn’t always have it his way in Super Rugby but he’s still the GOAT and no one enjoyed playing him.

That leaves the door wide open for the title of world’s best number 7, and there is little doubt that spot this year will be filled by someone playing Super Rugby.

With Pocock slotting in at 8, the natural Australian choice is Michael Hooper, who plays the game like his boots are on fire and he’s covered in a swarm of bees. He doesn’t run so much as panic, and we appreciate his madness. Hooper has a bottomless gas tank, which is a prerequisite for the role, and he carries the ball a lot. He’s almost over-used, but he doesn’t complain.

At the Chiefs, the greatest rugby apprenticeship in history is over and Sam Cane is ready to put his big boy boots on. Cane has been well-managed through his formative years at the Chiefs and in the All Blacks, but he is a lone ranger now and knows it. The possible future All Blacks captain is relentless, but in a very understated way.

We like understated. Our openside spot goes to Sam Cane.

6

Despite the fact the South Africans play their sixes like sevens, we’re going on number alone here. This is a gritty selection, one we have agonised over for the sole reason that sixes are tough bastards and we didn’t want to piss anyone off.

Here is a list of people we are about to piss off: Marcel Coetzee, Jerome Kaino, Elliot Dixon, Brad Shields, Scott Fardy, Blade Thompson, Steven Luatua, Jacques Vermulen, and Jean Deysel.

That said, the man we have picked once completely popped a rib playing against the All Blacks in Hamilton and walked off the field laughing about the tennis-ball sized lump protruding from his chest. Laughing! Good God.

Our pick for the six is one hell of a veteran. It is Schalk Burger

5 and 4

We were tempted to pick a locking duo here. Think Eben Etzebeth and Pieter-Steph du Toit at the Stormers, or Dean Mumm and Will Skelton at the Waratahs.

We kinda have picked a locking duo, though they will be arch enemies come kick off. We refer of course to the All Blacks combination that did not lose a single line out at the Rugby World Cup.

Our second row is Brodie Retallick and Sam Whitelock.

3

Tighthead prop is just the worst. Why would you ever want to do that to yourself? It takes a very special human being to choose this position: someone who hates himself and his life, and is determined to spend his miserable existence in a pitched battle with men who are trained to bend him in half while trying to rip his head off.

Don’t tell anyone, but we’re just going to put Charlie Faumuina in here and hope the rest don’t notice.

2

Hookers are interesting people. Rid of the real pressure of pushing in the scrum, many have become adept at front row banter. Andrew Hore, Corey Flynn and Bismarck du Plessis were sensational at it.

Dane Coles is not one of those people. Instead he has become adept at running searing lines in midfield and scoring impossible tries. There are many hookers who could have grabbed this spot on strict adherence to tradition – think Adriaan Strauss, Liam Coltman, and Stephen Moore, to name a few.

But to hell with tradition. We want a team of freaks and the freakiest hooker of them all is Dane Coles.

1

For years the Australians have been punished mercilessly by those who believed the nation was bereft of scrummaging ability, which was a little bit harsh, really. And besides, any notion that Australians can’t scrum has been well and truly blown apart by the emergence of Scott Sio.

There are some outstanding loose heads floating about – Wyatt Crockett is some sort of complete mutant for having done this for so long, but we like like the big Brumbies boy here.

Our loosehead spot goes to Scott Sio.

At a glance:

15. Israel Folau
14. Nehe Milner-Skudder
13. Rene Ranger
12. Samu Kerevi
11. Julian Savea
10. Bernard Foley
9. Aaron Smith
8. David Pocock
7. Sam Cane
6. Schalk Burger
5. Sam Whitelock
4. Brodie Retallick
3. Charlie Faumuina
2. Dane Coles
1. Scott Sio