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An enforced potato famine. An unforgivable lack of live animals. Scotty Stevenson finds plenty to be mad about in his quest to rank the full assortment of Super Rugby mascots.
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Super Rugby is almost here, and with 18 teams spread across four continents it’s often hard to stay up to date with what’s going on with the all-important team mascots. Fear not, Rugby Pass is here for you, with our inaugural Super Rugby mascot breakdown.
BLUES
In one of the most upsetting pre-season developments, it seems Blues management will no longer allow the Hira Bhana Spudman to be an official sideline mascot at Eden Park. This is terrible news. Spudman was more than just a root vegetable – he was one of the few loyal Blues supporters, and he gave away free potatoes, making him pretty much the only path to living affordably in Auckland. Is there a more practical mascot than that?
But, oh no, who wants an emblem whose spud-flinging largesse is the stuff of legend? Instead the Blues are sticking with Bluebeard; a good-for-nothing layabout dressed up like a pirate captain. Bluebeard has a sword. He has a great big pirate ship. And yet, he does nothing. Just walks around. If you’re going to have a pirate as a mascot, you should at least get Jack Sparrow.
Let this be a lesson to you.
2/10
CHIEFS
The Chiefs completely disregarded the adult mascot market with their decision to go for Little Chief. It’s not all about the kids, you know.
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Actually, I guess children are important.
6/10
HURRICANES
The Hurricanes maimed their mascot potential when they named themselves after an invisible force. Maybe that’s why we have Captain Hurricane and his Hurriplane: another mascot who seems like he was something people settled on when they couldn’t come up with a better idea. See: Bluebeard.
One safety advisory here: if it’s blowing a Hurricane, don’t fly a plane, even if you are a Captain.
3/10
CRUSADERS
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The Crusaders have live horses which, it must be said, have only once gotten loose and threatened to crush a bunch of players. Considering they’ve had those horses riding around Crusader games for twenty years, I’m down with that safety ratio.
The Crusaders also have a man in a Crusader outfit. He should be riding a horse the entire game. He should make it rear up every time the Crusaders score. And he should do that while being silhouetted by a flame thrower. The fact he doesn’t do any of those things is an unconscionable missed opportunity.
On that note, more teams should have live animal mascots. Imagine going to a Sharks game! The Bulls are crying out for a bovine on the sideline. A freakin’ Cheetah would be amazing. And who wouldn’t want to pet a Sunwolf? What do you mean there’s no such thing as a Sunwolf? Get out.
Horses: 8/10 Crusader: 2/10
HIGHLANDERS
No-one quite knows what the hell is going on with the Highlanders. This team has so many part-time mascots, it’s like Forsyth Barr Stadium is a drop-in centre for anyone who wants to put on an animal suit. How else can you explain the Gorilla, or the morph suits, or this chicken in a James Harden Rockets singlet?
Things used to be simpler. Back in the good ol’ days this team had an actual Scottish Highlander* – a living, breathing, roided-up dude who ran onto the field in a kilt while carrying a heavy sword.
Not anymore.
*possibly not an actual Scottish Highlander
5/10
REDS
Hang on! They have a real dog!
Awwwwwwwwwwwww.
They called it Red.
Booooooooooooooooo. Most. Obvious. Name. Ever.
5/10
WARATAHS
In Australia, the Waratah is a flowering shrub. In New Zealand, the Waratah is a fence post.
The Waratahs are, of course, an Australian side so their mascot is not a fencepost it’s a very large flowering shr…
Hang on, no it’s not! It’s Tahman!
This is Tahman on a quad bike
And this is Tahman on horse
Hell yes, Tahman.
8/10
BRUMBIES
Like the Crusaders, the Brumbies have a horse. Unlike the Crusaders, the Brumbies do not have a real horse. Why can’t they have a real horse? Even Tahman rides a real horse.
In fairness, Brumby Jack has been known to get on the diesel before big games. Respect for that.
6/10
REBELS
You cannot help but love the Rebels. They are the little team that could in a big town (Melbourne) in which almost everyone would rather be watching something else. I say all power to them! You have to start somewhere, and it may as well be in just about the hardest place to start.
That is why the Rebels have created a mascot that covers every single base.
Is Rebel Vic an obvious name? Check
Does he wear a cowboy hat? Check
Does he have a cape? Check
Does he have a mask? Check
Does he fly a rebel flag? Check
Are his pants tucked into his boots? Check
Did we leave anything out? Nope.
Good. So what is he exactly?
Never mind.
5/10
WESTERN FORCE
You just know they asked George Lucas for permission, don’t you? Alas, he must have said no, because there are no Star Wars mascots here. I didn’t actually know if the Force had a mascot or not. I had to call my Perth mate, Davo.
“Do the Force have a mascot?”
“Yeah, the Angry Swan. They should euthanise it.”
“Seriously? They have a swan? Is it a real swan?”
“I promise you. It’s the angry swan. It’s padded. It’s really angry.”
“What do you mean it’s padded? Is it a real, living swan?”
“I want to snap its neck.”
Davo does not like swans. I, however, am intrigued.
3/10
BULLS
This is Bulletjie the Bull is my one concession to the rule that live animal mascots are always better than fake animal mascots.
This is Bulletjie shooting fireworks out of his horns.
7/10
LIONS
This could have been Cecil. If it were, then Cecil would still be alive. Think about that for a minute.
2/10
CHEETAHS
*Takes deep breath*
This mascot is so literal it is even called Cheetah. Is it a real Cheetah? Of course not.
Still, check out its mascot biography from the Cheetahs website.
Got to give points for the backstory.
6/10
SHARKS
Allow me to introduce Sharkie, the Sharks’ Shark. Why couldn’t he be called Shaka? That would have been perfect for KwaZulu Natal. Nevermind.
The problem, as I see it, is that Sharkie is all smile. Just because you have good teeth doesn’t mean you have to be flashing them about all the time.
Still, he does ride a motorcycle. Because, well, yeah.
5/10
KINGS
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the Kings have probably got other things to worry about.
Like these jerseys.
Still, there is room here to break the traditional South African mould and go for something a little fancy.
Or not.
0/10
STORMERS
Nope. No mascot. Nothing.
Based on the Hurricanes’ mascot-making philosophy, a Captain Stormer would be appropriate. He could wash up on Newlands each weekend, or just live there the whole time, foraging for food, befriending a rugby ball and waiting for the wind to change.
Someone created a penguin mascot, which would be kind of cool. And quite appropriate, as penguins stand around a lot doing nothing much. Just like the Stormers offense.
If the penguin gets the nod, I’m in. But for now…
0/10
SUNWOLVES
This better be good.
Japan is the land that gave us the Walkman, sushi, judo, sumo wrestling, Metabolism, robot breakdancing, insane sexual game shows, PlayStation, panty vending machines, MSG, Mr Miyagi, the bullet train, Betamax, the Mitsubishi Lancer, and methamphetamine.
If this is just a guy in a Sunwolf suit, I am giving up.
TBC
JAGUARES
The jaguar is a big cat that stalks and ambushes its prey. It is like a leopard but bigger. It kills things twice its size and lives in the rainforest.
I take back everything I said about live animal mascots. Don’t even think about bringing one of these into a stadium environment. Just make a furry suit, stick a guy inside it, and let’s call it even.
Damn beautiful animal though.
10/10
Comments on RugbyPass
Hope he stays as believe he can do a great job.
1 Go to commentsMake what step up? Manie has a World Cup winner’s medal around his neck and changed the way the Springboks can play. He doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone. The win record of the Boks with him in the team is tremendous. Sacha can be wonderful and I hope he has a very succesful Bok career, but comparing him to Manie in terms of the next Bok flyhalf is very strange. Manie is the incumbent (not the next) and doing pretty incredibly.
1 Go to comments00 😍 U
1 Go to commentsSabbaticals have helped keep NZ’s very best talent in the country on long term deals - this fact has been left out of this article. Much like the articles calling to allow overseas players to be selected, yet can only name one player currently not signed to NZR who would be selected for the ABs. And in the entire history of NZ players leaving to play overseas, literally only 4 or 5 have left in their prime as current ABs. (Piatau, Evans, Hayman, Mo’unga,?) Yes Carter got an injury while playing in France 16 years ago, but he also got a tournament ending injury at the 2011 World Cup while taking mid-week practice kicks at goal. Maybe Jordie gets a season-ending injury while playing in Ireland, maybe he gets one next week against the Brumbies. NZR have many shortcomings, but keeping the very best players in the country and/or available for ABs selection is not one of them. Likewise for workload management - players missing 2 games out of 14 is hardly a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Again let’s use some facts - did it stop the Crusaders winning SR so many times consecutively when during any given week they would be missing 2 of their best players? The whole idea of the sabbatical is to reward your best players who are willing to sign very long term deals with some time to do whatever they want. They are not handed out willy-nilly, and at nowhere near the levels that would somehow devalue Super Rugby. In this particular example JB is locked in with NZR for what will probably (hopefully) be the best years of his career, hard to imagine him not sticking around for a couple more after for a Lions tour and one more world cup. He has the potential to become the most capped AB of all time. A much better outcome than him leaving NZ for a minimum of 3 years at the age of 27, unlikely to ever play for the ABs again, which would be the likely alternative.
1 Go to commentsJake White talks more sense than anything I've read in the last 5 years. Hope someone's listening.
9 Go to commentsThe Springboks tried going down the road of only picking home-based players and it was an unmitigated disaster in 2016 and 2017. Picking overseas-based players has been one of the main reason the Boks have done so well since 2018, not only because of the quality Rassie could call on, but because of the knowledge and experience those players brought into camp from England, France and Japan. With some of the big names playing abroad it also gave younger players in SA the chance to break through at franchise level. Would we have seen the emergence of a Ruan Nortje if RG and Lood were still at the Bulls? Not so sure. I understand why Jake would want to block players leaving since his job depends on good results but it’s an approach that would take Bok rugby back to the bad old days and no South African wants to see that.
9 Go to commentsExeter were thumped by 38 points. And they only had to hop on a train.
39 Go to commentsI am De Groot.
1 Go to commentsHad hoped you might write an article on this game, Nick. It’s a good one. Things have not gone as smoothly for ROG since beating Leinster last year at the Aviva in the CC final. LAR had the Top 14 Final won till Raymond Rhule missed a simple tackle on the excellent Ntamack, and Toulouse reaped the rewards of just staying in the fight till the death. Then the disruption of the RWC this season. LAR have not handled that well, but they were not alone, and we saw Pau heading the Top 14 table at one stage early season. I would think one of the reasons for the poor showing would have to be that the younger players coming through, and the more mature amongst the group outside the top 25/30, are not as strong as would be hoped for. I note that Romain Sazy retired at the end of last season. He had been with LAR since 2010, and was thus one of their foundation players when they were promoted to Top 14. Records show he ended up with 336 games played with LAR. That is some experience, some rock in the team. He has been replaced for the most part by Ultan Dillane. At 30, Dillane is not young, but given the chances, he may be a fair enough replacement for Sazy. But that won’be for more than a few years. I honestly know little of the pathways into the LAR setup from within France. I did read somewhere a couple of years ago that on the way up to Top 14, the club very successfully picked up players from the academies of other French teams who were not offered places by those teams. These guys were often great signings…can’t find the article right now, so can’t name any….but the Tadgh Beirne type players. So all in all, it will be interesting to see where the replacements for all the older players come from. Only Lleyd’s and Rhule from SA currently, both backs. So maybe a few SA forwards ?? By contrast, Leinster have a pretty clear line of good players coming through in the majority of positions. Props maybe a weak spot ? And they are very fleet footed and shrewd in appointing very good coaches. Or maybe it is also true that very good coaches do very well in the Leinster setup. So, Nick, I would fully concurr that “On the evidence of Saturday’s semi-final between the two clubs, the rebuild in the Bay of Biscay is going to take longer than it is on the east coast of Ireland”
11 Go to commentsWhat was the excuse for the other knockout blowouts then? Does the result not prove the Saints were just so much better? Wise call to put your eggs in one basket when you’ve got 2 comps simultaneously finishing.
39 Go to commentsReally hope Kuruvoli and his partner rock the Canes.
1 Go to commentsI wonder what impact Samson has had on their attack, as the team seems less prone to trundle it up the middle, take the tackle and then trundle it up again. I lost faith in the coach last year as the Rebelss looked like a 2nd/3rd rate South African team. I also disliked Gordon standing back, often ignored as the forward battle went on and on. Maybe its our Aussie way of not getting off our A***’s until the enemy is at the gate.
86 Go to commentsThanks for the write up. Great to see the Rebs winning, I am a little interested in how they will go against the remaining kiwi teams, I think they’ve only played Hurricanes and Highlanders but how great to see these players performing!! I also see Parling has a job beyond June 30! A good move by RA? Also how do you fix the Rebels previously scratchy defence?
86 Go to commentsbe smart - go black
13 Go to commentsNext week the Crusaders hopefully have Scott Barrett back. Will be great to have the captain back. Hopefully he will be the All Black captain as well.
12 Go to commentsExciting place to be for the young fella. I expected he was French Polynesian when I saw him included in the France 6N squad (after seeing him in NZs), and therefor be strong grounds we might loose him to rugby down here. Good, in that he is good enough to warrant such a profile, and from a journalism’s fan interaction aspect, to finally get a back ground story on the fella. Hope he has settled into NZ OK and that at least one rugby country will fit with him to help his development, which, if so, he should surely continue for a few years, and then that he can experience France to it’s fullest with a bit more maturity and less reliance on family than you would have at his current age. A good 3 or 4 years before he would be ready for International duty if he wanted to wait. Of course he already sounds good enough to accept a call up, and to cap himself, in the more immediate future (he’d have to be very very good in the case of the ABs), and he’ll get a great taste of that being with the Canes who have a bunch who are just a few years further into their career and looking likely Internationals themselves.
13 Go to commentsI remember towards the end of the original broadcasting deal for Super rugby with Newscorp that there was talk about the competition expanding to improve negotiations for more money - more content, more cash. Professional rugby was still in its infancy then and I held an opposing view that if Super rugby was a truly valuable competition then it should attract more broadcasters to bid for the rights, thereby increasing the value without needing to add more teams and games. Unfortunately since the game turned professional, the tension between club, talent and country has only grown further. I would argue we’re already at a point in time where the present is the future. The only international competitions that matter are 6N, RC and RWC. The inter-hemisphere tours are only developmental for those competitions. The games that increasingly matter more to fans, sponsors and broadcasters are between the clubs. Particularly for European fans, there are multiple competitions to follow your teams fortunes every week. SA is not Europe but competes in a single continental competition, so the travel component will always be an impediment. It was worse in the bloated days of Super rugby when teams traversed between four continents - Africa, America, Asia and Australia. The percentage of players who represent their country is less than 5% of the professional player base, so the sense of sacrifice isn’t as strong a motivation for the rest who are more focused on playing professional rugby and earning as much from their body as they can. Rugby like cricket created the conundrum it’s constantly fighting a losing battle with.
9 Go to commentsOh wow… “But as La Rochelle proved in winning in Cape Town this season, a cross-continental away assignment need not spell the end of days.” La Rochelle actually proved quite the opposite. After traveling to Cape town and back they (back-to-back and current champs) got mercilessly thumped the next week. If travel is not the reason, why else would a full-strength powerhouse like La Rochelle get dumped on their @r$e$ one week later?
39 Go to commentsYou know he can land a winning conversion after the full time siren is up. (Even if it takes two attempts.)
5 Go to commentsA very insightful article from Jake. I would love to know how South African’s feel about their move to Europe. Do you prefer playing in Europe or want to go back to Super Rugby?
9 Go to comments