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The Gospel According to Saint Warren
Let There Be Lions
1 In the beginning was the speculation about the Lions’ touring squad to New Zealand.
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2 And the speculation went on forever. It had neither form nor fact, based as it was upon the wishful thinking of journalists, bloggers and armchair pundits.
3 Lo, Saint Warren of Gatland saw the speculation and smileth a mysterious smile. For only he, his five apostles, the blessed Robert Howley, Steve Borthwick, Graham Rowntree, Andy Farrell, and Neil Jenkins… and a few others in the Lions management, knoweth the truth.
4 For Saint Warren had been anointed to lead the Lions unto the gates of the greatest rugby nation on Earth, and, yea, verily, into the land beyond.
5 He sayeth only unto the multitude: “I shall reveal the truth unto you at the Sermon of Syon on the 108th day of 2017.”
6 But the speculation dieth down not, as the multitude of journalists and bloggers and armchair pundits hungered for news.
7 In the absence of news, they fed on speculation and grew fat on it. First, they speculated on the captain. Then the forwards. Then the halfbacks and the midfield; and the back three; and, finally, the bolters.
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8 As the 108th day of 2017 approacheth, speculation groweth yet more feverish – til it becometh as facts upon the face of the rugby pages and websites. Proclamations were proclaimed as if they were truth, even though no one knew for definite, for Saint Warren speaketh not of them.
9 Yea, as the time of pronouncement neared, the leaks they leaketh every day.
10 Woe, the name of gnarly Welsh centre Jamie Roberts appeareth suddenly in serious articles in serious papers, despite him being long past his best and starting just two Tests this northern hemisphere season and sitting on the bench for much of the Six Nations.
11 Jesus wept.
12 Before Saint Warren revealeth officially his tour captain at the Sermon of Syon, believethed it was that 2013 captain Sam Warburton would again be the rock upon which his squad was built.
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13 And lo, it was true. Saint Warren had again put his mark upon captain Warburton; not Alun Wyn Jones, nor Owen Farrell, nor Rory Best, nor Maro Itoje, nor Dylan Hartley – whom he had denied even a place on the tour and now looks set never to be a Lion – or any other names that had been mentioned.
14 And the mark upon Warburton was the mark of a Lion. A photograph leakethed shortly before the pronouncement doth comfirmeth it.
15 Saint Warren sent archangel John Spencer – one of a blessed few Lions to hath bested the All Blacks – to revealeth his squad at the ordained time, at the ordained place. And darkness fell not upon the face of the Earth for, after all the leaks that leaketh, there were few surprises.
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16 Except in Scotland, where there was heard a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.
17 They, too, had seen the official 41-man touring squad, which was the largest Lions gathering since 2005 and the second largest in history.
18 And they thoughteth it was not good. For it confirmed there would be just two Scots on the plane to New Zealand, compared to 16 Englishmen, 12 Welshmen and 11 Irish, despite the fact the Scots had verily whooped Welsh and Irish asses in the Six Nations and playeth smart rugby.
19 For Saint Warren had decreed that only Stuart Hogg and Tommy Seymour should carryeth the hopes of the entire Scottish nation. He haddest denied Richie or Jonny Gray. He haddest foresaken Hamish Watson. The journalists and bloggers and armchair pundits calleth it ‘a scandal’ and ‘a disgrace’, and even useth the word ‘controversial’.
20 Jamie Roberts’ name was not mentioned.
21 Jesus wept not.
22 Joe Launchbury’s name was not mentioned.
23 Jesus wept again.
24 Saint Warren did speaketh unto the multitude at Syon. He sayeth: “There’s going to be some players fighting for Test spots and there’s no stand-out number one contender for several positions. We need to make sure we’ve got the depth and quality in the squad to face the challenges.”
25 Saint Warren sayeth not: “Yea, though they shall walk through the Land of the Long White Cloud, my Lions shall fear no All Blacks, for I shall be with them, and my staff – and Rob shall comfort them still.”
26 Perhaps he should sayeth that. Though it mayeth be a bit of a fib.
27 Yea, the Lions should fear the All Blacks, for verily they are mighty. And swift. And clever. And brilliant. And their shiny brand shineth over the world like the shiniest rugby thing ever – even in a Lions year.
28 And the rugby gods do testeth Saint Warren with an arduous tour filled with herculean challenges. The Blessed Sir Graham of Henry, who did guideth the All Blacks to a 3-0 series whitewash over the Lions in 2005, calleth this year’s tour itinerary ‘suicidal’.
29 They playeth 10 matches in five weeks. They playeth the New Zealand Provincial Barbarians. They playeth the New Zealand Maori. They playeth New Zealand’s five Super Rugby teams. They playeth three Tests against the All Blacks.
30 But Saint Warren, who hath led a winning Lions’ tour to Australia in 2013, be not daunted by the magnitude of the challenge. He aimeth to become only the second coach to layeth the smacketh down on the All Blacks.
31 He hopeth to repeateth the 1971 success of the mighty smiter, Carwyn James.
31 The smart money sayeth he willeth not.
32 And those who were not named at Syon on the 108th day of 2017 should keepeth their mouths shut, and their phones well charged. Justeth in case.
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Comments on RugbyPass
It’s not up to Wales to support Georgian Rugby. That’s up to International Rugby and Georgia. I sympathise with Georgia’s decent attempt to create this fixture. But for Wales the proposed match up is just a potential stick to beat them with and a potential big psychological blow that young Welsh team doesn’t need. (I’m Irish BTW.)
2 Go to commentsCale certainly looks great in space, but as you say, he has struggled in contact. At 23 years old, turning 24 this year, he should be close to full physical maturity and yet there exists a considerable gap in the power and physicality required for international rugby. Weight doesn’t automatically equate to power and physicality either. Can he go from a player who’s being physically dominated in Super rugby to physically dominating in international rugby in 1 or 2 years? That’s a big ask but he may end up being a late bloomer.
24 Go to commentsIf rugby wants to remain interesting in the AI era then it will need to work on changing the rules. AI will reduce the tactical advantage of smart game plans, will neutralize primary attacking weapons, and will move rugby from a being a game of inches to a game of millimetres. It will be about sheer athleticism and technique,about avoiding mistakes, and about referees. Many fans will find that boring. The answer is to add creative degrees of freedom to the game. The 50-22 is an example. But we can have fun inventing others, like the right to add more players for X minutes per game, or the equivalent of the 2-point conversion in American football, the ability to call a 12-player scrum, etc. Not saying these are great ideas, but making the point that the more of these alternatives you allow, the less AI will be able to lock down high-probability strategies. This is not because AI does not have the compute power, but because it has more choices and has less data, or less-specific data. That will take time and debate, but big, positive and immediate impact could be in the area of ref/TMO assistance. The technology is easily good enough today to detect forward passes, not-straight lineouts, offside at breakdown/scrum/lineout, obstruction, early/late tackles, and a lot of other things. WR should be ultra aggressive in doing this, as it will really help in an area in which the game is really struggling. In the long run there needs to be substantial creativity applied to the rules. Without that AI (along with all of the pro innovations) will turn rugby into a bash fest.
24 Go to commentsSouth Africa rarely play Ireland and France on these tours. Mostly, England, Scotland and Wales. I wonder why
1 Go to commentsIt was a let’s-see-what-you're-made-of type of a game. The Bulls do look good when the opposition allows them to, but Munster shut them down, and they could not find a way through. Jake should be very worried about their chances in the competition.
2 Go to commentsHats off to Fabian for a very impressive journey to date. Is it as ‘uniquely unlikely’ as Rugby Pass suggests, given Anton Segner’s journey at the Blues?
1 Go to commentsSad that this was not confirmed. When administrators talk about expanding the game they evidently don’t include pathways to the top tier of rugby for teams outside of the old boys club. Rugby deserves better, and certainly Georgia does.
2 Go to commentsLions might take him on if they move on Van Rooyen but I doubt he will want to go back, might consider it a step backwards for himself. Sharks would take him on but if Plumtree goes on to win the challenge cup they will keep him on. Also sharks showing some promising signs recently. Stormers and Bulls are stable and Springboks are already filled up. Quality coach though, interesting to see where he ends up
1 Go to commentsAnd the person responsible for creating a culture of accountability is?
3 Go to commentsMore useless words from Ben Smith -Please get another team to write about. SA really dont need your input, it suck anyway.
264 Go to commentsThis disgraceful episode must result in management and coach team sackings. A new manager with worse results than previous and the coaching staff need to coached. Awful massacre led by donkeys.
1 Go to commentsInteresting article with one glaring mistake. This sentence: “And between the top four nations right now, Ireland, France, South Africa, and New Zealand…” should read: And between the top four nations right now, South Africa, Ireland, New Zealand and France…”. Get it right wistful thinkers, its not that hard.
24 Go to commentsHow did Penny get the gig anyway?
3 Go to commentsNice write up Nick and I would have agreed a week ago. However as you would know Cale & co got absolutely monstered by the Blues back row of Sotutu, Ioane and Papaliti and not all of these 3 are guaranteed a start in the Black jumper. He may need to put some kgs before stepping up, Spring tour? After the week end Joe will be a bit more restless. Will need to pick a mobile tough pack for Wales and hope England does the right thing and bashes the ABs. I like your last paragraph but I would bring Swinton, Hannigan into the 6 role and Bobby V to 8
24 Go to commentsThe Crusaders can still get in to the Play Off’s. The imminent return of outstanding captain Scott Barrett and his All Black team mate Codie Taylor will be a big boost.There are others like Tamaiti Williams too. Two home games coming up. Fellow Crusader fans get there and support these guys. I will be.
2 Go to commentsCant get more Wellington than Proctor.
2 Go to commentsWhy not let the media decide. Like how they choose the head coach. Like most of us we entrust the rugby system to choose. A rugby team includes the coaches. It's collective.
14 Go to commentsHi NIck, I have been very impressed with him and he seems a smart player who can see opportunities which Bobby V _(who must be an international 6_) doesn’t see or have the speed to take advantage of. If he continues to improve and puts on 5kgs then he could be a great 8. He is a bit taller than Keiran Reid at 1.93m and 111 kgs, so his skill set fits his body size and who knows where it will lead. I hope the spate of Achilles tendon issues have been dealt with by the S&C people. It’s been a very long time since Mark Loane and Kefu stood out at 8. The question is will we be able to hold onto him, if he does make it he will be pretty hot property. I disagree with the idea of letting them go to the Northern Hemisphere and then bring them back.
24 Go to commentsBilly Fulton 🤣🤣🤣🤣 garrrmon not even close
14 Go to commentsDoes the AI take into account refs? hahaha Seriously why not have two on field refs to avoid bias?
24 Go to comments