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Please do not laugh at this rugby player's name

By Hayden Donnell
Faraj Fartass (Photo: Getty Images)

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you… then you win
– Gandhi

Flatulence is defined in the medical literature as “flatus expelled through the anus”
– Wikipedia

Let me tell you about a man.

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He’s 20 years old, 1.92m tall, and weighs 92kgs. He’s a promising professional rugby player who recently scored two tries against Ireland for the French under-20 team. He has a family. A home. A life.

None of that matters because his name… is Faraj Fartass.

Being stuck with a so-called “funny” name is an everlasting curse. Just ask Boston Patriots defensive halfback Dick Felt or Major League Baseball outfielder Rusty Kuntz. Their All-Star appearances and spectacular plays will fade into insignificance. Their tombstones will be unfairly engraved with a link to this Buzzfeed list of silly sports names.

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Fartass awaits the same fate. All people want to do is laugh at him. Well, the Irish weren’t laughing when Fartass tore through them at Donnybrook in February. Stade Francais weren’t laughing when they decided they wanted a Fartass on their team.

Clued-up rugby fans have known about Fartass for some time, but his name only reached the mainstream recently when popular Twitter user Stefan_Heck linked to his profile with the caption “No way”. US TV host Chris Hayes replied “This is the best content on this website I’ve seen all day”. Another Twitter user posted this reply.

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Laugh it up media hacks. I bet you’ve not once had to think even once about whether your achievements will be overshadowed by the fact your name is a combination of words that summon to mind both the forceful expulsion of evaporated poop and the sweaty skin cylinders that house the body’s gas hole.

Not so for Fartass. He’s spent his life training while other youths make memes and have sex on the internet. At just 20 years old, he has become an elite athlete. And somehow he has made the million sacrifices necessary to achieve that dream despite knowing deep down all his work will become a mere footnote beneath a bunch of neon signwriting reading “HIS NAME IS FARTASS LMAO”.

His labours shouldn’t be in vain. It’s time to respect Fartass. He is not a fart, nor an ass. He is a man. He may have children. And those children will be little Fartasses. Do you want them to think of their dad as a hero or a walking reminder of a noisy emission that comes out of butts when it’s toilet time?

Shame on you jokers. Shame on you tweeters. You know who else they laughed at? That’s right: Jesus (Luke 18). I hope you turn from your jibes and join me in wishing Fartass an explosive career. One that surprises with its devastation, and leaves opponents gasping for air. To be clear, a career that is like a fart. From an ass. A Fartass. His name is Fartass. Thank you.

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Trevor 24 minutes ago
Will forgotten Wallabies fit the Joe Schmidt model?

Thanks Brett.. At last a positive article on the potential of Wallaby candidates, great to read. Schmidt’s record as an international rugby coach speaks for itself, I’m somewhat confident he will turn the Wallaby’s fortunes around …. on the field. It will be up to others to steady the ship off the paddock. But is there a flaw in my optimism? We have known all along that Australia has the players to be very competitive with their international rivals. We know that because everyone keeps telling us. So why the poor results? A question that requires a definitive answer before the turn around can occur. Joe Schmidt signed on for 2 years, time to encompass the Lions tour of 2025. By all accounts he puts family first and that’s fair enough, but I would wager that his 2 year contract will be extended if the next 18 months or so shows the statement “Australia has the players” proves to be correct. The new coach does not have a lot of time to meld together an outfit that will be competitive in the Rugby Championship - it will be interesting to see what happens. It will be interesting to see what happens with Giteau law, the new Wallaby coach has already verbalised that he would to prefer to select from those who play their rugby in Australia. His first test in charge is in July just over 3 months away .. not a long time. I for one wish him well .. heaven knows Australia needs some positive vibes.

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B
Bull Shark 4 hours ago
Jake White: Are modern rugby players actually better?

Of the rugby I’ve born witness to in my lifetime - 1990 to date - I recognize great players throughout those years. But I have no doubt the game and the players are on average better today. So I doubt going back further is going to prove me wrong. The technical components of the game, set pieces, scrums, kicks, kicks at goal. And in general tactics employed are far more efficient, accurate and polished. Professional athletes that have invested countless hours on being accurate. There is one nation though that may be fairly competitive in any era - and that for me is the all blacks. And New Zealand players in general. NZ produces startling athletes who have fantastic ball skills. And then the odd phenomenon like Brooke. Lomu. Mcaw. Carter. Better than comparing players and teams across eras - I’ve often had this thought - that it would be very interesting to have a version of the game that is closer to its original form. What would the game look like today if the rules were rolled back. Not rules that promote safety obviously - but rules like: - a try being worth 1 point and conversion 2 points. Hence the term “try”. Earning a try at goals. Would we see more attacking play? - no lifting in the lineouts. - rucks and break down laws in general. They looked like wrestling matches in bygone eras. I wonder what a game applying 1995 rules would look like with modern players. It may be a daft exercise, but it would make for an interesting spectacle celebrating “purer” forms of the game that roll back the rules dramatically by a few versions. Would we come to learn that some of the rules/combinations of the rules we see today have actually made the game less attractive? I’d love to see an exhibition match like that.

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