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Scotty Stevenson awakes from a long and disorientating slumber to continue the unforgiving weekly task of ranking every team in Super Rugby from best to worst.
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1. Chiefs
Rd 15: 23-13 v Crusaders
Last round: 6 (up 5)
Ni Sa Bula Chiefs fans! The pride of Hamilton swapped a home game at Waikato Stadium for a home game in Suva and delivered a body blow to the Crusaders with a pull-away win in the wet which saw them deny the most cultish side in the competition a bonus point. The Chiefs are riding a Stephen Donald tsunami all the way to the playoffs and Damian McKenzie, after a couple of quiet weeks in May, is back to his electric best. No team counter attacks as well.
Super Rugby: Tropical Downpour edition. (Photo: Getty Images)
2. Lions
Rd 15: 37-10 v Sharks
Last round: 2 (N/C)
The only thing that can stop the Lions going real deep in the playoffs (if not winning the whole competition) is if they wake up one day and realise they are the Lions. They have been the hit of the competition and the one reason the South African conference deserves to be treated with some respect. The Sharks had no answer to the onslaught on the weekend, and the Lions have now scored the most points and most tries of any team this season. They also became the first team to qualify for the playoffs.
3. Hurricanes
Rd 15: 37-27 v Blues
Last round: 3 (N/C)
I still think Wellington Mexican food joint Flying Burrito Brothers should be running a special on the Vaea Fifita flaming Fajita this week, but I am not in the business of marketing ethnically usurped menu items so it probably won’t happen. The Hurricanes may well look at this come from behind victory as a pivotal moment in the season – they were forced to make 176 tackles against the Blues and still managed to take their own attacking chances in the second spell. Dane Coles has created an all new position in rugby. He’s not a hooker, he’s a pimp.
4. Crusaders
Rd 15: 13-23 v Chiefs
Last round: 1 (down 3)
If there’s one thing I know about the Crusaders it’s this: they would have been angry for the entire trip back to New Zealand, and even angrier considering they were on the same plane as the Chiefs, who beat them up in Suva. Okay, there are two things I know about the Crusaders, and the other thing is that they will come out this weekend and be much better than they were on Friday night. The Crusaders are always good when they just trust what they do, which is the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
5. Waratahs
Rd 15: 57-12 v Sunwolves
Last round: 5 (N/C)
I have long thought the Waratahs were capable of finding a way to snatch the Australian conference from the Brumbies and nothing I saw over the weekend has made me change my mind. Just as the Brumbies did before the break, the Tahs crushed the Sunwolves in Tokyo. However, they did it with more style and flair and that still goes a long way in this competition. Tatafu Polota-Nau had one of his best games of the season, and managed not to get knocked out which was a bonus. The more Folau settles in at centre, the better this team looks.
6. Highlanders
Rd 15: 48-18 v Kings
Last round: 4 (down 2)
This was once a team that struggled to cobble together enough men for a starting fifteen and now it is so confident that it can head to South Africa and leave behind three of its most important players. Moreover, the Highlanders bench was sensational value for money against the Kings in front of four spectators in Port Elizabeth. Matt Faddes is firming as captain of the 2016 Palagi All Stars team with a hat trick of tries, and Aki Seiuli may well be everyone’s new favourite front rower. There are few teams in Super Rugby who can do so much damage in such a short space of time, and the Highlanders’ final quarter blitzkrieg should have others on notice.
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7. Brumbies
Rd 15: 43-24 v Reds
Last round: 7 (N/C)
Fullback Aidan Toua topped all players in the comp this week for metres run, and the Brumbies looked well balanced against a Reds team that has battled away all year. Still, I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to go all in on this team. Maybe it’s just me.
8. Stormers
Rd 15: 57-31 v Rebels
Last round: 9 (up 1)
Only a disaster could stop the Stormers clinching top spot in their conference now. They are nine points clear of the Bulls with two games to play, and those games are against the Force and the Kings. Posted their highest ever score on the weekend but who cares? I am not a fan of the red and black uniforms. If there are two colours more opposite to their traditional blue and white, it would have to be red and black. I am no fashionista, but that’s just dumb. Actually, away strips need to be banned, or all be designed by Stade Francais.
9. Blues
Rd 15: 27-37 v Blues
Last round: 10 (up 1)
I’m going to say it. The Blues deserve an enormous amount of praise for not being shit this year. So they won’t make the playoffs, and that’s not great for the franchise, but as soon as they realise they can win the games that count – namely those against other New Zealand teams – then they will be a contender. The Blues do so much right in a game of rugby, but they are guilty of wearing themselves out by running the ball from everywhere. They are still missing the crucial percentages in game management.
10. Rebels
Rd 15: 31-57 v Stormers
Last round: 12 (up 2)
The Rebels are on a quest to make sure every game they play finishes in an AFL-level score, which is a nice gesture to the people of Melbourne but not a great idea when you are on the wrong side of that score, as they were against the Stormers. The Rebels, like the Blues, have enough talent to get results, but lack the finish. If they discover a way to convert their territorial dominance to points, they’ll be in business. Also, letting the Stormers score seven tries against you is horrible.
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11. Sharks
Rd 15: 10-37 v Lions
Last round: 8 (down 3)
They have lost four first choice five eighths. And they are playing like it. A case in point: Paul Jordaan ran for no metres. How does an inside centre run for no metres? The whole job of an inside centre is to run metres. I’m afraid it’s back to the drawing board for the Sharks. Either that or time to pull Andre Joubert’s moustache out of retirement.
12. Bulls
Rd 15: 11-29 v Jaguares
Last round: 11 (down 1)
Where do I begin here? The Bulls kicking game, which was their only game, was so bad they couldn’t have hit a wall if they were standing in a lounge. Apart from that, they chased them badly and then when they got the ball they dropped it. The official stats say the Jaguares kicked the ball more than the Bulls did, which makes me feel like I was watching a different game entirely. In fact, I think the statistician gave up, went to the pub and made the rest up later.
13. Jaguares
Rd 15: 29-11 v Bulls
Last round: 18 (up 5)
Too late, their time has come.
14. Cheetahs
Rd 15: 30-29 v Force
Last round: 14 (N/C)
Sends shivers down my spine.
15. Reds
Rd 15: 24-43 v Brumbies
Last round: 13 (down 1)
Body’s aching all the time.
16. Force
Rd 15: 29-30 v Cheetahs
Last round: 16 (N/C)
Goodbye everybody, they’ve got to go.
17. Sunwolves
Rd 15: 12-57 v Waratahs
Last round: 15 (down 2)
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.
18. Kings
Rd 15: 18-48 v Highlanders
Last round: 17 (down 1)
Mama, ooh ooh ooh ooh…
Comments on RugbyPass
Lets compare apples with apples. Lyon sent weak team the week before, but nobody raised an eyebrow. Give the South African teams a few years to build their depth, then you will be moaning that the teams are too strong.
41 Go to commentsDid footballs agents also perform the scout role at some time? I’m surprised more high profile players haven’t taken up the occupation, great way to remain in the game and use all that experience without really requiring a lot of specific expertise?
1 Go to commentsSuper rugby is struggling but that has little to do with sabbaticals. 1. Too many teams from Aust and NZ - should be 3 and 4 respectively, add in 2 from Japan, 1 possibly 2 from Argentina. 2. Inconsistent and poor refereeing, admittedly not restricted to Super rugby. Only one team was reffed at the breakdown in Reds v H’Landers match. Scrum penalty awarded in Canes v Drua when No 8 had the ball in the open with little defence nearby - ideal opportunity to play advantage. Coming back to Reds match - same scrum situation but ref played advantage - Landers made 10 yards and were penalised at the breakdown when the ref should have returned to scrum penalty. 3. Marketing is weak and losing ground to AFL and NRL. Playing 2 days compared with 4. 4. Scheduling is unattractive to family attendance. Have any franchises heard of Sundays 2pm?
10 Go to commentsAbsolutely..all they need is a chance in yhe playoffs and I bet all the other teams will be nervous…THEY KNOW HOW TO WIN IM THE PLAYOFFS..
2 Go to commentsI really hope he comes back and helps out with some coaching.
1 Go to commentsI think we are all just hoping that the Olympic 7s doesn’t suffer the same sad fate as the last RWC with the officials ruining the spectacle.
1 Go to commentsPersonally, I’ve lost the will to even be bothered about the RFU, the structure, the participants. It’s all a sham. I now simply enjoy getting a group of friends together to go and watch a few games a year in different locations (including Europe, the championship, etc). I feel extremely sorry for the real fans of these clubs who are constantly ignored by the RFU and other administrators. I feel especially sorry for the fans of clubs in the Championship who have had considerable central funding stripped away and are then expected to just take whatever the RFU put to them. Its all a sham, especially if the failed clubs are allowed to return.
9 Go to commentsI’m guessing Carl Hayman would have preferred to have stayed in NZ with benefit of hindsight. Up north there is the expectation to play twice as many games with far less ‘player management’ protocols that Paul is now criticising. Less playing through concussions means longer, healthier, careers. Carter used as the eg here by Paul, his sabbatical allowed him to play until age 37. OK its not an exact science but there is far more expectations on players who sign for Top 14 or Engl Prem clubs to get value for the huge salaries. NZR get alot wrong but keeping their best players in NZ rugby is not one of them. SA clubs are virtually devoid of their top players now, no thanks. They cant threaten the big teams in the Champions Cup, the squads have little depth. Cant see Canes/Chiefs struggling. Super has been great this year, fantastic high skill matches. Drua a fantastic addition and Jaguares will add another quality team eventually. Aus teams performing strongly and no doubt will benefit with the incentive of a Lions tour and a home RWC. Let Jordie enjoy his time with Leinster, it will allow the opportunity for another player to emerge at Canes in his absence.
10 Go to commentsLove that man, his way to despise angry little men is so funny ! 😂
4 Go to comments“South African franchises would be powerhouses if we had all our overseas based players back in situ. We would have the same unbeatable aura the Toulouses, Leinsters or Saracens of this world have had over the last decade or so.” Proof that Jake white does not understand the economics of the game in SA. Players earning abroad are not going to simply come back and represent the bulls. But they might if they have a springbok contract.
22 Go to commentsA lot of fans just joined in for the fun of it! We all admire O'Gara and what he has done for La Rochelle
4 Go to commentsThe RFU will find a way to mess this up as usual. My bet is there will be no promotion into the the Premiership, only relegation into National League One. Hopefully they won’t parachute failed clubs into the league at the expense of clubs who have battled for promotion.
9 Go to commentsWell that’s the contracts for RG and Jordie bought and paid for. Now, what are the chances we can persuade Antoine to hop over with all the extra dosh we’ll have from living at the Aviva & Croke next season…??? 🤑🤑🤑
34 Go to commentsWow, that’s incredible. Great for rugby.
34 Go to commentsYou probably read that parling is going to coach the wallaby lineout but if not before now you have.
14 Go to commentsIf someone like Leo Cullen was in O’Gara’s place I don’t hear Boo-ing. It’s not just that La Rochelle has hurt Leinster and O’Gara is their Irish boss. It’s the needle that he brings and the pantomime activity before the game around pretending that Munster were supporting LaRochelle just because O’Gara is from Cork. That’s dividing Irish provinces just to get an advantage for his French Team. He can F*ck right off with that. BOOOOO! (but not while someone is lying injured)
4 Go to commentsDid the highlanders party too hard before the game? They were the pits.
1 Go to commentsWhat a player! Not long until he’s in the England side, surely?
5 Go to commentsHe seems to have the same aura as Marcus Smith - by which I mean he’s consistently judged as if he’s several years younger than he actually is. Mngomezulu has played 24 times for the Stormers. When Pollard was his age he had played 24 times for South Africa! He has more time to develop, but he has also had time to do some developing already, and he hasn’t demonstrated nearly as much talent in that time as one would expect. If he is a generational talent, then it must be a pretty poor generation.
6 Go to commentsThe greatest Springbok coach of all time is entirely on the money. Rassie and Jacques have given the south african public a great few years, but the success of the springbok selection policy will need to be judged in light of what comes next. The poor condition that the provincial system is currently in doesn’t bode well for the next few years of international rugby, and the insane 2026 schedule that the Boks have lined up could also really harm both provincial and international consistency.
22 Go to comments