'Do I f***' - Scottish prop doesn't regret ignoring injury that left him in wheelchair
Rory Sutherland, a great, hulking brute of a prop, lay in bed as helpless as an upturned beetle. There he would fester each morning, devoured by anxiety, racked with loathing. He would wait for partner Tammy to feed and clothe their two infant sons before she’d return to the bedroom and help him to the toilet.
Sutherland could barely sit up without Tammy, far less make it to the kitchen or the bathroom or even think about getting out of the house unless she shunted him around the neighbourhood in a wheelchair. It was degrading and humiliating and the whole sorry spectacle repelled him.
“I was literally stuck in the house for three months; couldn’t do a thing,” he says. “Little things like going to the toilet or needing a drink became massive tasks, because there had to be somebody there to help me do them. If I wanted to sit up, I had to roll over onto my side and push myself up with my arm, try not to use my stomach at all.
“I can’t put into words how amazing Tammy was through that time, how hard it must have been for her. My two kids, Mason was four and Hamish had just been born. I’m lying in bed in the morning listening to her getting the kids ready, and I’m literally there waiting for her to come and help me get out of the bed to go to the toilet. It was horrible, absolutely disgusting. I hated it.”
Months earlier, in the spring and summer of 2016, Sutherland had been scrummaging against some of the mightiest specimens in Europe. He won his first caps on tour with Scotland and had helped Edinburgh to a European final the previous season, burnishing his reputation as a bristling, belligerent loose-head with a big future in the Test game.
Then, during a fairly sedate warm-up, he felt an almighty pop. The adductor muscles run from femur to hip and move the legs together and Sutherland had just blown his clean off his pelvis.
“Every specialist I saw said it was very rare that anyone comes back from this, when it’s a bilateral adductor reconstruction,” he says.
“If a general punter came in off the street and got it done, it’d just be to keep him going, keep him walking. To come back and play professional sport was going to be very hard.”
There’s a degree of self-infliction about this heinous predicament. Throughout his first two seasons as a professional, Sutherland had noticed a dull ache gnawing at his lower abdomen, a pain that grew as the scrums and rucks and carries mounted.
He kept this throb a closely-guarded secret, terrified that coming clean to the medical staff would relinquish his hard-won place in the team and scupper his longing to forge a career in the game, a dream that he had already begun to taste. Like an unpaid tax bill, he brushed it under the carpet and hoped in vain that it would simply vanish.
“I had started playing for Edinburgh and I didn’t want to say anything because I thought, I’m playing, I don’t want it to jeopardise anything. I kept quiet about it and it snowballed.
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“Opportunities are so slim, there are so many people in the squad, a person above you, a person chasing you. I knew that was my moment. When your sliding door opens, you’ve got to walk through it.
“I managed it for a long time. I played through it for about a year. And when I had my international caps, that was when it was at its worst.
“I suppose when I look back now, what the f**k was I thinking? The whole thing was my own doing. But do I regret it? Do I f**k. If I hadn’t done what I’d done, maybe I wouldn’t have been as successful and played international rugby. If I had stepped down, someone else might have stepped up and took my place.”
This is the sort of well-founded but perilous worry that led players to conceal concussion for years. It left Sutherland immobile and stripped of his dignity, ordered to move as little as possible after an infection had destroyed the first surgical repair.
Physically, the whole business was torturous. But mentally too, his wellbeing plummeted. He had never thought much about depression or anxiety, but they both hit him harder than any tight-head ever could.
He was unable to focus, to hold a conversation, to find the energy to do anything productive or to rid himself of relentlessly doom-laden thoughts. He couldn’t bear to explain over and over why he was in a wheelchair and what he was going through on his quest to get the hell out of it.
“I would never wish it upon my worst enemy. It’s a feeling of waking up in the morning and thinking something’s wrong when it’s not, over-thinking everything, not being able to focus on things,” he says.
“You think about things you shouldn’t be thinking about. So many things are going through my mind – am I going to be back playing? If I do get back, am I going to be the same player? One of the biggest things was financial, what’s my family going to do if I can’t play again? What would I be able to do to support them?
“Hamish had just been born and with the young kids, that was our lives coming together, we were flying high, everything was going upwards, and then everything just crashed.”
Salvation came from an unlikely source, a chance meeting with former Edinburgh team-mate Ben Atiga who was putting together Scottish Rugby’s package of mental health support, career planning and education called Rugby For Life.
The All Black knew a little of Sutherland’s journey. The programme was in its infancy and the prop became its “guinea pig”. Every week, Atiga would drive to his house and work on ways to better his mindset, prepare for a potentially devastating enforced retirement, or simply to listen.
“Whenever I needed him, he always came,” Sutherland says. “He’d take my mind off things by doing little things throughout the day.
“Having that reality in the back of my mind that I might not actually be able to play again, and him reassuring me that if it did get to that point, it’s not a case of, what am I going to do? We built up a little CV based on the engineering work I’d done before rugby, a portfolio so I’d be ready to go and try and find a job elsewhere.
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“We set little goals for the day… it sounds daft, but I’d never been good at reading, I hated reading books. He had me read ten pages a day. Little wins. Then you can do whatever you want the rest of the day.
“To start with, it might sound stupid, but I actually found it really hard to get myself to do it because I didn’t want to. I was severely depressed, anxious about things; I couldn’t focus my mind on anything. I was up to high doh every day; couldn’t do anything.
“Eventually, as things moved on, I was reading 20-30 pages a night. It was little things like that which got me through the day.”
When he could walk again and gleefully return his wheelchair to the hospital, Sutherland could get back to Murrayfield. Edinburgh’s strength and conditioning staff, he is at pains to stress, were magnificent. They gave him exercises that taught his muscles how to function and re-learn movements they had not performed in an age. Gradually, the loads increased and light loomed at the end of a long, dark tunnel. When he was allowed to embark on a light jog for the first time, Sutherland belted around the track so quickly that conditioner Luke Vella bellowed at him to stop.
He became obsessed with nutrition after Richard Cockerill, by then Edinburgh’s head coach, bluntly told him he had gotten a touch too portly and sent him off to play club rugby with Edinburgh Academicals.
Most of all, after 13 desperate months on the sidelines, he stopped being so flippant about his future.
“You never think a serious injury is going to happen to you. Since it’s happened, I’ve started putting a lot of things in place, rugby insurance, career-ending insurance, courses for life after rugby,” he says.
“That’s the big thing that’s changed or me – the mindset that it can actually happen to you. Nobody’s invincible, you have to be smart and think about life after rugby because it is a reality, it will happen someday, whether it happens when you want it to or not.”
At long last, at 27, Sutherland is lean and healthy and playing regular rugby. His abdomen doesn’t hurt unless he strays too far from that stringent diet. Scotland caps are within his reach if he produces his best stuff. Life after rugby no longer terrifies him. He is ready for that day, when it comes.
Mercifully, though, it ought to be some way off yet.
Comments on RugbyPass
No way. If you are trying to picture New Zealand rugby with an All Blacks mindset, there have been two factors instrumental to the decline of NZ rugby to date. Those are the horror that the Blues have become and, probably more so, the fixture that the Crusaders became. I don’t think it was healthy to have one team so dominant for so long, both for lack of proper representation of players from outside that environment and on the over reliance on players from within it. If you are another international side, like Ireland for example, sure. You can copy paste something succinct from one level to the next and experience a huge increase in standards, but ultimately you will not be maximizing it, which is what you need to perform to the level the ABs do. Added to that is the apathy that develops in the whole game as a result of one sides dominance. NZ, Super, and Championship rugby should all experience a boom as a result of things balancing out. That said, there is a lot of bad news happening in NZ rugby recently, and I’m not sure the game can be handled well enough here to postpone the always-there feeling of inevitable decline of rugby.
4 Go to commentsNo SA supporter miss Super Rugby - a product that is experiencing significant head wind in ANZ - the competition from rival codes are intense, match attendance figures are at a historical low and the negativity of commentators such as Kirwan and Wilson have accelerated the downward spiral in NZ. After the next RWC in 2027 sponsors will follow Qantas and start leaving in droves.
2 Go to commentsLike others, I am not seeing the connection between this edition of the Crusaders and the All Blacks future prospects under Razor. I think the analysis of the Crusaders attack recently is helpful because Razor and his coaching team used to be able to slot new guys in to their systems and see them succeed. Several of Razor’s coaches are still there so it would be surprising if the current attack and set piece has been overhauled to a great extent - but based on that analysis, it may have been. Whether it is too many new guys due to injuries or retirement or a failure of current Crusaders systems is the main question to be answered imo. It doesn’t seem relevant for the ABs.
4 Go to commentsharry potter is set in stone. he creates stability and finishes well. exactly what schmidt likes. he’s the ben smith of australian rugby. i think it could quite easily be potter toole and kellaway for the foreseeable future.
5 Go to commentsThis is short sighted from Clayton if you ask me, smacks of too much preseason planning and no adaptability. What if DMac is out for a must win match, are they still only going to bring their best first five and playmaker on late in the game? Trusting the game to someone who wasn’t even part of planning (they would have had Trask pinned in as Jacomb preseason). Perhaps if the Crusaders were better they would not have done this, but either way imo you take this opportunity to play a guy you might need starting in a final rather than having their 12th game getting comfortable coming off the bench.
1 Go to commentsThanks Brett.. At last a positive article on the potential of Wallaby candidates, great to read. Schmidt’s record as an international rugby coach speaks for itself, I’m somewhat confident he will turn the Wallaby’s fortunes around …. on the field. It will be up to others to steady the ship off the paddock. But is there a flaw in my optimism? We have known all along that Australia has the players to be very competitive with their international rivals. We know that because everyone keeps telling us. So why the poor results? A question that requires a definitive answer before the turn around can occur. Joe Schmidt signed on for 2 years, time to encompass the Lions tour of 2025. By all accounts he puts family first and that’s fair enough, but I would wager that his 2 year contract will be extended if the next 18 months or so shows the statement “Australia has the players” proves to be correct. The new coach does not have a lot of time to meld together an outfit that will be competitive in the Rugby Championship - it will be interesting to see what happens. It will be interesting to see what happens with Giteau law, the new Wallaby coach has already verbalised that he would to prefer to select from those who play their rugby in Australia. His first test in charge is in July just over 3 months away .. not a long time. I for one wish him well .. heaven knows Australia needs some positive vibes.
21 Go to commentsWhat a load of bollocks. The author has forgotten to mention the fact that the Crusaders have a huge injury toll with top world class players out. Not to mention the fact that they are obviously in a transition period. No this will not spark a slow death for NZ rugby, but it does mean there will be a new Super Rugby champion. Anyone who knows anything about NZ rugby knows that there is some serious talent here, it just isn’t all at the Crusaders.
4 Go to commentsI wouldn’t spend the time on Nawaqanitawase! No point in having him filling in a jersey when he’s committed to leave Union. Give the jersey to a young prospect who will be here in the future.
5 Go to commentsIt was a pleasure to watch those guys playing with such confidence. That trio can all be infuriating for different reasons and I can see why Jones might have decided against them. No way to justify leaving Ikitau out though. Jorgensen and him were both scheduled to return at the same time. Only one of them plays for Randwick and has a dad who is great mates with the national coach though.
53 Go to commentsBrayden Iose and Peter Lakai are very exciting Super Rugby players but are too short and too light to ever be a Test 8 vs South Africa, France, Ireland, and England, Lakai could potentially be a Test player at 7 if he is allowed to focus on 7 for Hurricanes.
7 Go to commentsPencils “Thomas du Toit” into possible 2027 Bok squad.
1 Go to commentsDon’t see why Harrison makes the bench. Jones can play at 10 if needed, and there is a good case for starting her there to begin with if testing combinations. That would leave room for Sing on the bench
1 Go to commentsWhat a load of old bull!
1 Go to commentsOf the rugby I’ve born witness to in my lifetime - 1990 to date - I recognize great players throughout those years. But I have no doubt the game and the players are on average better today. So I doubt going back further is going to prove me wrong. The technical components of the game, set pieces, scrums, kicks, kicks at goal. And in general tactics employed are far more efficient, accurate and polished. Professional athletes that have invested countless hours on being accurate. There is one nation though that may be fairly competitive in any era - and that for me is the all blacks. And New Zealand players in general. NZ produces startling athletes who have fantastic ball skills. And then the odd phenomenon like Brooke. Lomu. Mcaw. Carter. Better than comparing players and teams across eras - I’ve often had this thought - that it would be very interesting to have a version of the game that is closer to its original form. What would the game look like today if the rules were rolled back. Not rules that promote safety obviously - but rules like: - a try being worth 1 point and conversion 2 points. Hence the term “try”. Earning a try at goals. Would we see more attacking play? - no lifting in the lineouts. - rucks and break down laws in general. They looked like wrestling matches in bygone eras. I wonder what a game applying 1995 rules would look like with modern players. It may be a daft exercise, but it would make for an interesting spectacle celebrating “purer” forms of the game that roll back the rules dramatically by a few versions. Would we come to learn that some of the rules/combinations of the rules we see today have actually made the game less attractive? I’d love to see an exhibition match like that.
29 Go to commentsIrish Rugby CEO be texting Andy Farrell “Andy, i found our next Kiwi Irishman”
5 Go to commentsI certainly don’t miss drinking beers at 8am in the morning watching rugby games being played in NZ.
2 Go to commentsThis looks like a damage limitation exercise for Wales, keeping back some of their more effective players for the last 20/25 minutes to try and counter England’s fresh legs so the Red Roses don’t rack up a big score.
1 Go to commentsVery unlikely the Bulls will beat Leinster in Dublin. It would be different in Pretoria.
1 Go to commentsI think it is a dangerous path to go down to ban a player for the same period that a player they injured takes to recover. Players would be afraid to tackle anyone. I once tackled my best friend at school in a practice match and sprained his ankle. I paid for it by having to play fly-half instead of full-back for the rest of that season’s fixtures.
5 Go to commentsJust such a genuine good bloke…and probably the best all round player in his generation. Good guys do come first sometimes and he handled the W.Cup loss with great attitude.
2 Go to comments