'He could see in my eyes and I just broke down there, just started balling my eyes out'
Joe Marler joined his former England teammate James Haskell on his What a Flanker podcast recently to discuss his battle with depression and mental health issues, detailing an explosive 2018 ‘meltdown’ which saw him smash up his house.
Marler’s documentary Big Boys Don’t Cry premiered this week on Sky Sports, in which the Harlequins prop travels across the UK exploring ways in which poor mental health can be managed.
The pair discussed what Marler described as the straw that broke the camel’s back, and a series of events that culminated in the 30-year-old breaking down in the changing room after a game.
Their conversation covered some profound subjects but was interspersed with plenty of humour, particularly recounting their infamous fracas in 2017 in the Gallagher Premiership and Haskell’s “death grip”.
Marler describes his “meltdown” in his book, Loose Head: Confessions of an (un)professional rugby player, and shared the account on the podcast: “Me and my missus were going out for a mate’s 30th birthday, we’d both just dropped the kids off and on the way back a squirrel ran in front of the car and I didn’t move out the way for it, I just carried on. I didn’t speed up, I wasn’t attempting to kill this squirrel. My wife didn’t agree with the way I was driving, she said ‘you should have swerved for that.”
“The squirrel survived, but we’re kicking off at each other and we get in the house and I lose the plot, completely lose the plot, shouting and screaming. She’s heavily pregnant as well at the time. I remember losing control of myself, didn’t know what was going on, anger consumed me.
“This had been going on for a while, I was aware of it but didn’t know what to do. Not massive blowouts but these feelings inside and all these dark moments that I have, and then out of nowhere this happened and I turned over the house. Smashed the doors in, kicked off. She legged it upstairs and I remember seeing her on the floor in her dressing room crying her eyes out and I just thought ‘f**k, what have I done?’ I’d gone from losing control to coming back to reality and thinking “f**k, what is going on here?’
“Then I’ve gone, just got in the truck. That was the turning point. I was spinning out, didn’t know what I was doing, run out on my missus who’s about to give birth to our next baby and then I just came back full of shame, full of ‘enough’s enough now, this is what’s been going on’. I wasn’t able to vocalise that to her at the time, but she put on a brave face and was like ‘we’ve got to go to the party, we’ll deal with what has just happened another time.’
“The doctor was there and I was asked if he could have a quick look at my hand. So we sat down in this room in this hotel and he was having a look at it and he kept looking up at me and looking at the hand and he was like ‘how did you do this?’ I was like ‘I was in the gym last night and I dropped a weight on it.’ He’s like ‘drop a weight on it did you? How heavy was it then?’ I was like ‘what is this the Spanish inquisition? Just jab it or give me some painkillers’. He was like ‘everything alright?’ He could see in my eyes and I just broke down there, just started balling my eyes out.
The 20-year-old has broken his silence on last October's high jinx and how it affected him https://t.co/11ElD0bHyC
— RugbyPass (@RugbyPass) May 14, 2021
“The first thing he said to me was ‘is Daisy alright?’ And I went ‘yeah’. ‘Kids alright?’ I went ‘yeah’. And he said ‘as long as they’re alright, now what?’ Because that didn’t look like I’d dropped a weight on it, it’s what he called a boxer’s knuckle. I just opened up to him about that, about how I’d been feeling, what I’d been going through. But I had a game in two hours and he was delving a little bit deeper, he was asking the standard doctor questions.
“He jabbed my hand for the game. We got into the changing rooms after the game and I just broke down. Robbo, DC, Browny, all the boys that were in there were like ‘what is going on in here?’ I was sat in the corner with a towel over my head crying my eyes out. They were all coming over, then [Paul Gustard] came over and picked me up, put me on the coach and said ‘we’ll sort whatever needs sorting, we’ll look after you, we’ll sort things out’
“That was the start really of trying to explore what was going on, opening up to my wife about the thoughts I’d been having, how dark I’d been.”
https://twitter.com/RugbyPass/status/1393163036102430722
Comments on RugbyPass
Ardie’s preferred position 7? Where do they get these writers from? I've no idea where he's playing in Japan, but the previous two seasons he wore the 7 jersey exactly twice.
17 Go to commentsNot good to hear Ulster described as “financially troubled”. Did not think it was getting to that level. I would hope the Irish system of spreading players of talent away from Leinster would kick in now. Better to have a Leinster fringe player with Ulster or Connacht, then getting only a few games a season in Dublin. 10, for example, would seem to be a case for spreading the talent. I would not be at all adverse to a SA man coming in as head coach/DR. Ludeke is worth trying. Certainly got a long and impressive coaching career at this level…..149 games in SR, then Japan, 30 years experience. And Ulster’s ledger of successful SA coaches and players is on the positive side. Is talk of Ruan Pienaar interested in coming back as a coach…..could be a good combination with Ludeke. And Pienaar and family would have no settling in to do, one would judge. He loved life in Ulster when there, by all reports.
1 Go to commentsSome thoughts to consider here, Sam. Thanks
2 Go to commentsI think he is right, SBW is respected in RSA. The guy who never stood up is a worm. Sseems lots of NZ SBW hate, you do the crime do the time.
11 Go to commentsAfter missing the curfew, the player was simply too “Shagged” to stand up.
11 Go to commentsVernier is probably the best 12 in the world though she has some English competition these days . I am nervous for England because it is unpredictable France and who knows which team will turn up, but they have not yet shown anything that should worry England, Saturday could be a different day. I would be more confident against the BFs.
1 Go to commentsWhat a difference Rodda and Carter made. Rodda has been out for ages but he is really the only world class lock in Australian rugby. Him, Carter and Beale made a huge difference on the weekend. If only they had a few decent props they’d be a much more dangerous team. Hamish Stewart was excellent last week as well. His carrying has improved significantly and has to be next in line after Paisami at 12 for the Wallabies. He’ll benefit hugely with Beale at fullback, there’s just no better communicator in Australian rugby than him and his experience will make a huge difference for the Force. No one sees space like Beale and he’s still sharp. I can see Force making a late charge into the top 8 if they can get some consistency.
2 Go to commentsRodda will be a walk up starter at lock. Frost if you analyse his dominance has little impact and he’s a long way from being physical enough, especially when you compare to Rodda and the work he does. He was quite poor at the World Cup in his lack of physicality. Between Rodda and Skelton we would have locks who can dominate the breakdown and in contact. Frost is maybe next but Schmidt might go for a more physical lock who does their core work better like Ryan or LSL. Swain is no chance unless there’s a load of injuries. Pollard hasn’t got the scrum ability yet to be considered. Nasser dominated him when they went toe to toe and really showed him up. Picking Skelton effects who can play 6 and 8. Ideally Valetini would play 6 as that’s his best position and Wilson at 8 but that’s not ideal for lineout success. Cale isn’t physical enough yet in contact and defence but is the best backrow lineout jumper followed by Wright, Hanigan and Swinton so unfortunately Valetini probably will start at 8 with Wright or Hanigan at 6. Wilson on the bench, he’s got too much quality not to be in the squad. Paisami is leading the way at 12 but Hamish Stewart is playing extremely well also and his ball carrying has improved significantly. Beale is also another option based on the weekend. Beale is class but he’s also the best communicator of any Australian backline player and that can’t be underestimated, he’ll be in the mix.
8 Go to commentsWhy do people keep on picking Ardie at 7 when he's a ball in hand 8? A modern 7 is the lead tackler and ruck clearer which isn't his strength.
14 Go to commentsSly dig there at Ireland’s propensity to back a non-Irish coach. Must really want it. I’m not sure I like ROG very much. Comes off as unpleasant. But he’d gain my respect if he took a number 7 ranked team and turned them into WC winners. Not even back-to-back. Argentina? Scotland? Or how about Wales? France would be too easy, no?
1 Go to commentsA bit of sensationalism, but surprised by the comments about SBW. I’ve always thought of him as a pretty authentic person. There is nothing worse than working with a colleague you’ve seen straight through.
11 Go to comments100% agree with your comment about Touch. I’ve been playing it competitively since Covid. It’s on a Wednesday night after work. It means the weekend is free for time with my family.
2 Go to commentsRodda back is massively important for the Wallabies. Kaitu at hooker important too coz he was very good a few years ago.
2 Go to commentsThe pink cabous might be eligible this year and the Boks don’t need him
8 Go to commentsNasser and kaitu are options for hooker. Especially Nasser. You forgot Rodda who touch wood will be fit at test time and if fit he’s number one. Great partner for the great Skelton and Oz best lineout caller. Third best lock is LSL whom I’d be inclined to sub on for Skelton around 60 minutes. Probably start valetini at 8 because I like a big body back there. Cale should play 6 at the brumbies. For Wallabies definitely cale in the squad but as an apprentice. Dunno who starts at 6 seru wright Swinton hanigan with Will Harris and Harry Wilson not far away. Seru and Swinton my front runners but Swinton is going. Still if we don’t cap seru then Fiji must coz they need his lineout skills and easily compensate for his lack of weight
8 Go to commentsYeah but who was it?
11 Go to commentsThink you might have written this just before the Brumbies got thrashed last weekend
8 Go to commentsI really do believe that Billy Proctor should be selected at least in the larger squad but also it would be my choice at 13, much more a center than Ioane who can still play at wing. Roigard if fit should play, otherwise it should be Perenara or Christie. Also, Iose could deserve a spot at blindside. Of course, being a Canes supporter I’m biased but I really believe that at least Billy P is deserving a chance and being Holland one of the Selectors, I’m having a little hope he could grab it.
14 Go to commentsI would not play Swinton I’d pick Wright or Hanigan. The rest are decent starters, but can’t agree on any subs except Tupou. My take on the subs: Gibbon, Ueslese, Tupou, LSL, Wilson, White, Will Harrison, and Petaia.
8 Go to commentsSBW the biggest moron to pull on a black jersey a park footy player at best
11 Go to comments