A Journey Deep Into The Depraved, Paranoid Mind Of A Hurricanes Supporter
How does it feel to be a fan of the only New Zealand Super Rugby franchise yet to win a title? In this conversation between Scotty Stevenson and lifelong Hurricanes supporter Andrew Mulligan, we learn it can only be described as a kind of living hell.
In the early hours of Saturday morning in Rio De Janeiro, where we are covering the Olympic Games, Andrew Mulligan and I sat in the courtyard of an almost-finished hotel in the middle of some dusty suburb and watched the Hurricanes take on the Chiefs in their Super Rugby semifinal. After the game, fuelled on local fire water – cachaça – we began to discuss his infatuation with the Hurricanes, and the heartache that love has led to. The following is a rough transcript of that discussion.
Scotty Stevenson: You do realise you promised to change your name by deed poll to ‘Tongan Bear’ if the Hurricanes won the Super Rugby title?
Andrew Mulligan: Yes.
And you did that on Australian television, so there is evidence of this promise?
Yes.
What were you thinking?
I wasn’t. That was the problem. Actually, what happened was I knew I had to make a point of how much this title will mean to me, but now I realise that my wife and kid will probably need to take ‘Bear’ for their surname, and that could be problematic. Host of The Other Rugby Show [and regular Rugby Pass Podcast guest] Sean Maloney is not going to let it go. I shouldn’t have said anything. But then a part of me knows I am probably on safe ground.
Which brings us to the heart of the matter. The fact is, you don’t really believe they can ever win a title, do you? That’s why you made that promise!
The problem is I am a vocal Canes fan, and that attracts a certain kind of troll. These trolls are a mix of people I respect, like you, and people I have no respect for, like [The Crowd Goes Wild co-host and former New Zealand cricketer] Mark Richardson, who is also a Highlanders bandwagoner, which says all you need to know about him. Before the semifinal performance, I will admit I had my doubts, as every Canes fan has.
Why do Canes fans have so many doubts?
We’ve had so much talent that you would think we already would have won a title at some point. Historically we have missed the playoffs more than we have made the playoffs, which is arguably worse than getting to a final and losing, which we have done twice. Think about it: in 2006 we couldn’t see anything. Kudos to the Crusaders for organising that fog. Last year the TMO couldn’t see anything. Hurricanes fans don’t get no respect. We’re the Rodney Dangerfields of rugby.
Has there been one moment, more than all the others, that really killed you?
Julian Savea’s knock on in last year’s final. It was the greatest summation of the entire history of the Hurricanes.
Yeah, that was a moment alright. But still, there have been other disappointments. Do you keep a filing cabinet full of Hurricanes head shaking?
It’s Pandora’s Box. Once you open one bad memory, the rest keep flooding back. That’s why so many Hurricanes fans are superstitious. We don’t want to ever say we will win, but neither do we ever want to mention the times we have lost. In this way, we actually try to forget every single game the team has played.
That seems extreme, but then again Hurricanes fans are extreme – and they are very vocal, like you. And high profile.
You would think the Blues would be the most vocal, given their big city status, but Aucklanders are just apathetic, and Canes fans are emotionally invested. Think about the personalities who are legitimate Canes fans. There’s [Radio New Zealand host] John Campbell, who encapsulates the kind of earnestness that we all aspire to. There’s [Radio Sport host] Martin Devlin who is barking mad about everything to do with this team. His is a manic, almost schizophrenic obsession. Most people hope the Canes lose just to make him cry. Taika Waititi is a Canes fan. [His film] What We Do In The Shadows could easily be the Hurricanes fan motto.
And you are superstitious, too. All you Canes fans are!
We blame everybody, and trust no one. Happiness Insurance, Reverse Jinx, Conspiracy Theories, Referee Bias, Substitution Irregularities – this is the coded language of the Canes fan. It’s exhausting. I’m tired of it. I need this title more than anyone. It’s a Wellington thing, mainly. Wellington people are suspicious of the rest of the country.
Have you ever bet against the Canes?
I have never actually put money on a team playing against the Canes, but I will admit I have tipped against them. I know of Canes fans who have regularly bet against their team. It’s acceptable behaviour. We all understand. Highlanders fans are the worst. They all suddenly appeared out of nowhere last year and they make too much noise. They are rugby’s nouveau riche.
You are heavy favourites this weekend. How could this team possibly lose the Super Rugby final?
Where do I begin? Dane Coles may not be fit. They are hiding Julian Savea somewhere. Brad Shields could trip over a camera cable running out onto the park and break his ankle. TJ Perenara and Beauden Barrett might suddenly forget how to play together. There could be a meteor shower. The lineout may fall apart. Glen Jackson might be the first referee to notice how offside they are all game. There are a million ways this could all go wrong.
I don’t think the Canes can blow it from here. Although I have tipped the Lions, just because I know it winds you up.
And I know that’s the case and will just embrace that all week long. And when the Canes – no, I can’t say it. You know what I mean. If that happens, I will show restraint and leave the histrionics to Devlin and Campbell. I also have a voodoo doll of [Lions coach] Johan Ackermann that I got in a favela and I am going to stick pins in it all week.
That sounds good, Andrew. Or should I say, Mr Bear.
Just call me Tongan.
Comments on RugbyPass
🤦♂️🤣 who cares who’s the best . All I know is the All Blacks have the star coach but have few star players now …
27 Go to commentsJe suis sûr que Farrell est impatient de jouer avec Lopez et Machenaud et d’être entraîné par Collazo… 🤭
1 Go to commentsAn on field red (aka a full red) in SRP must surely carry a bigger suspension than a red card given by the bunker as that carries a 20 minute team punishment. Had Damon Murphy abdicated his responsibility as a ref and issued both Drua players a yellow, which would have been upgraded to a 20 minute red by the bunker, that would have killed Australia and New Zealand’s push for the 20 minute red to be trialled globally from July this year.
11 Go to commentsEver so often you all post a Danny Care story that isn’t the announcement that he has finally re-signed for one more, victory tour season at Quins and I’m just like, “well you fooled me again!” My absolute favorite player ever, we need to make his final year at the Stoop (and Twickers) official already. I know he supposedly snubbed France but I won’t feel better until he signs.
1 Go to commentslate hit what late hit it wasn’t at all late and can clearly see he was committed before the tackle
1 Go to commentsChristian Lio -Willies 2 try perfomance was a standout. As was captain Scott Barrett. Up front was where the boys won it.They are a great team and players. Fantastic Crusades , you can keep going.
1 Go to commentsI don't know how the locals feel about that? I guess if you call yourselves the Worcester Wasps that might be appease. But really we need more teams in the Premiership in my view so they are not padding it out as they are at the moment. It might curtail so many players going abroad as well
5 Go to commentsNZ 😭😭😭is certainly rivaling England for best whingers cup!😭😭😭 !!!
27 Go to commentsYup. New Zealand won 3 out of 10 world cups played. SA 4 out of 8 attempts 30 Vs 50 per cent.🤔🤔
27 Go to commentsShould've done this years ago. Change Saturday kick off times to around 11am. Up and off and back home before 3pm, limit travel time too. Allows players to actually do something else with their Saturday that's family oriented or being rugby fans they could ‘watch’ pro rugby. Increases crowds etc. How can anyone that enjoys grassroots and pro rugby have to choose between the two on Saturdays?
9 Go to commentsI bet he inspired those supporters just as much.
1 Go to commentsBen Smith Springboks living rent free in his head 😊😂
67 Go to commentsGood to hear he would like to play the game at the highest level, I hadn’t been to sure how much of a motivator that was before now. Sadly he’s probably chosen the rugby club to go to. Try not to worry about all the input about how you should play rugby Joey and just try to emulate what you do on the league field and have fun. You’ll limit your game too much (well not really because he’s a standard athlete like SBW and he’ll still have enough) if you’re trying to make sure you can recycle the ball back etc. On the other hard, you can totally just try and recycle by looking to offload any and everywhere if you’re going to ground 😋
1 Go to commentsThis just proves that theres always a stat and a metric to use to justify your abilities and your success. Ben did it last week by creating an imaginary competition and now you did the same to counter his argument and espouse a new yardstick for success. Why not just use the current one and lets say the Boks have won 4 world cups making them the most successful world cup team. Outside of the world cup the All Blacks are the most successful team winning countless rugby championships and dominating the rankings with high win percentages. Over the last 4 years statistically the Irish are the best having the highest win rate and also having positive records against every tier 1 side. The most successful Northern team in the game has been England with a world cup title and the most six nations titles in history. The AB’s are the most dominant team in history with the highest win rate and 3 world cups. Lets not try to reinvent the wheel. Just be honest about the actual stats and what each team has been good at doing and that will be enough to define their level of success.
27 Go to commentsHow is 7’s played there? I’m surprised 10 or 11 man rugby hasn’t taken off. 7 just doesn’t fit the 15s dynamics (rules n field etc) but these other versions do.
9 Go to commentsPick Swinton at your peril A liability just like JWH from the Roosters Skelton ??? went missing at RWC
14 Go to commentsLike tennis, who have a ranking system, and I believe rugby too, just measure over each period preceding a world cup event who was the longest number one and that would be it. In tennis the number one player frequently is not the grand slam winner. I love and adore the All Blacks since the days of Ian Kirkpatrick when I was a kid in SA. And still do because they are the masters of running rugby and are gentleman on and off the field - in general. And in my opinion they have been the majority of the time the best rugby team in the world.
27 Go to commentsHaving overseas possessions in 2024 is absurd. These Frenchies should have to give the New Caledonians their freedom.
21 Go to commentsBell injured his foot didn’t he? Bring Tupou in he’ll deliver when it counts. Agree mostly but I would switch in the Reds number 8 Harry Wilson for Swinton and move Rob Valentini to 6 instead. Wilson is a clever player who reads the play, you can’t outmuscle the AB’s and Springboks, if you have any chance it’s by playing clever. Same goes for Paisami, he’s a little guy who doesn’t really trouble the likes of De Allende and Jordie Barrett. I’d rather play Carter Gordon at 12 and put Michael Lynagh’s boy at 10. That way you get a BMT type goalkicker at 10 and a playmaker at 12. Anyways, just my two cents as a Bok supporter.
14 Go to commentsThanks Brett, love your articles which are alway pertinent. It’s a difficult topic trying to have a panel adjudicating consistently penalties for red card issues. Many of the mitigating reasons raised are judged subjectively, hence the different outcomes. How to take away subjective opinions?
11 Go to comments