'It was a matter of life and death' Former Springbok reveals career-altering tragedy

Former Springbok wing Sbu Nkosi has revealed that the death of his two children at birth sat behind the mental health crisis that engulfed his time at the Vodacom Bulls and left him fearing for his own safety.

Nkosi, a member of South Africa’s 2019 Rugby World Cup-winning squad, disappeared from public view in late 2022. The Bulls said he had been absent without leave for three weeks and that their last contact with him had come on November 11, prompting a missing-person case to be opened with the South African Police Service (SAPS).

While sensational headlines swirled around the whereabouts of one of South African rugby’s top young talents, few could have imagined the scale of grief the then 26-year-old was battling.

Speaking to former Springboks Rudy Paige and Juan de Jongh on their Behind the Ruck podcast, Nkosi laid bare the personal challenges he was facing at the time. Delving into his physical and mental state, the winger described his reluctant departure from Durban and the Sharks for Pretoria and the Bulls.

‘I was in a time where my mental health wasn’t really great at all,’ Nkosi said. ‘I was seeing a psychiatrist, but sometimes we got so busy that I couldn’t even get the chance to do that, just to stabilise myself and help me with my goal-setting and everything like that.’

Alongside managing a serious ankle injury, Nkosi revealed that training and playing in pain became part of his daily routine. However, the injury was only one part of what he was trying to manage.

‘I was on the back of losing my children who died at birth,’ he said. ‘So, there was definitely a lot on my mind that was clouding my judgement. I was going through a lot when that opportunity came to my hand.’

The heartbreaking revelation clearly caught the hosts off guard, prompting the normally upbeat Paige to say: ‘There are very few moments in life where I’m lost for words and don’t know exactly what to say next.

‘That’s probably because of the realness and vulnerability that you’re showing here in this conversation, which I can only applaud you for and say thank you for being so vulnerable with us in this space.’

Nkosi then delved deeper into what transpired in the aftermath of this life-altering tragedy.

‘It was difficult. I don’t feel that I got time to deal with it,’ he said. ‘I felt like one moment I was holding two coffins and burying my children; the next moment, I’m playing a game.

‘It doesn’t feel like I got any time or consideration to even deal with what had happened at the time. I also think that didn’t allow me to actually process what had happened to me. I think that was the beginning of a very unhealthy build-up: me not being able to process the death of my children.’

De Jongh then asked whether Nkosi had reached out to the Bulls or told people what he was going through.

Disputing the suggestion that he had not asked for help, Nkosi said: ‘I tried, and I got a little bit of help. It was very minimal, if I’m being honest, and it was documented that I had asked for the help over and over.

‘I probably could have gotten a little bit more help and a little bit more attention to this specific thing, because it was a very deep cut for me.’

Nkosi said he had ‘grace’ for those around him because they could not fully understand the weight of losing a child. He also accepted responsibility for his decisions and expressed regret over the deterioration of his relationship with Bulls director of rugby Jake White.

‘I think, as a man, you need to take full accountability,’ Nkosi said. ‘My relationship with Jake White was tarnished in that time, and I regret that a lot.

‘Now that I’m looking back at it, I feel like he tried to be there for me, even though he didn’t fully understand what was going on and he was still expecting me at 100%.

‘I didn’t handle him the way that I was supposed to handle him. I’m very sorry about that. I’m very, very sorry about that.’

Asked why he had left Pretoria and returned to his family, Nkosi recast what had publicly been treated as a sporting disappearance as a personal emergency.

‘It was a matter of life and death,’ he said. ‘I’d got into a place where I felt like I might be getting dangerous for myself. I needed urgent help with this, and I knew the place where I would get it was family. If I told my family this, they would definitely save my life and support me through it.’

Nkosi also disputed the impression that the Bulls had no communication with him during that period, saying: ‘I was in communication with the Bulls throughout that time.’

That account differs from the club’s statement issued on December 3, 2022. The Bulls said numerous attempts had been made to reach Nkosi through calls, messages, relatives and visits to his home before police became involved.

Nkosi was found safe and later returned to rugby, scoring against the Stormers in February 2023 following a two-month break. His Bulls contract was terminated by mutual consent that June. Bulls chief executive Edgar Rathbone said at the time that the period had not been easy for Nkosi personally, but maintained that the club’s support had been ‘invaluable’.

Nkosi believes his faith has allowed him to understand his mistakes, forgive the wrongs he felt were done to him and finally discuss a period he had kept private.

‘It allowed me to fully, fully heal from everything that I was going through,’ he said, ‘to a point where now I can be in a public space and speak about it freely.’

Discussing what the future looked like for the now 30-year-old winger, Nkosi was emphatic that he felt there were still a few more years left in him on the rugby pitch.

‘I miss being on the field,’ he said. ‘You know me, Rudy. I don’t speak unless something is solidly solidified in my head.

‘I test the rig every now and then. There is definitely a few more years in this puppy, so I would love to be at a point where I’m on the field playing and giving it my all again.

‘When I measure myself, I still feel like I can compete and give everyone a run for their money. The future for me is that I would like to be back on the field, plain and simple.’

Pressing further on his ambitions, de Jongh raised the prospect of Nkosi playing once again in the green and gold of the Springboks.

‘I don’t think I can play without having green and gold in my mind,’ Nkosi said. ‘If it will be then it will be, but if I am playing, I will play with that standard in mind. That is going to be automatic for me. I can’t settle for less than myself giving the best every day.

‘I will definitely shoot for the stars and see what happens from there on. I’m not going to put pressure on myself. I’m not going to start forecasting what is going to happen, but I will definitely hit it with the same amount of obsession. Now I have built up enough energy to do that.’