Louise McMillan: 'It just didn't quite work for my life anymore'

Louise McMillan turned down a contract from Scotland at the start of the year and has now retired from international rugby at the age of just 29.

The second row lost her Scotland contract in the summer of 2025 after first being awarded one in 2022. That meant she had to get a full-time job again, working in operations for an insurance company.

If she was going to be a full-time rugby player again she would have had to take a pay cut and make other sacrifices and at this point in her life, she felt it was something that didn’t feel right.

“It was a tough decision and there were so many elements involved in it,” McMillan said. “Ultimately I was offered a Scotland contract at the start of the year but for me that didn’t quite fit in my life any more.

“I was offered to go to work and play in Glasgow for a lot less money – a lot, lot less money – than I make in my full-time job. So just lifestyle-wise a full-time contract in Scotland just didn’t work anymore.

“After Six Nations, the toll of doing that and a full-time job, I just realised that it is just so unsustainable to do that. So in the long term playing for your country and having a full-time job was just so hard for me.

“I also used up all of my annual leave to do [Six Nations]. So lots of adult reasons unfortunately, quite tough ones but it just didn’t quite work for my life anymore.”

McMillan has had a tough time in her international career over the past year. Not only was her professional contract not renewed but she was also not selected for Women’s Rugby World Cup 2025.

In the months leading up to squad selection McMillan’s love for rugby wavered.

“I really struggled with it [rugby] being a full time job, not having a love for it and having to turn up for it every day,” McMillan said “I think at the time the relationships I had with that coaching staff when I got dropped, there was a lot of hard feedback at the time.

“Ultimately if you aren’t playing well, it is a professional sport and you should definitely get that but I didn’t feel there was anything very constructive.

“I sometimes felt a bit put down. We used to get this weekly feedback form and every week I was told ‘this isn’t good enough’. It was really hard to see the joy in it.

“If anything, I was so lucky to be involved with Sarries. As soon as I was dropped from Scotland the entire club metaphorically and literally wrapped their arms around me.

“I got so much trust and reassurance which I really needed at the time because I was getting broken down week on week and I didn’t realise how much confidence I had lost in myself.”

When Sione Fukofuka was appointed as the new Scotland head coach, McMillan hesitated about whether she wanted to play for her country again. But her head coach at club level, Saracens’ Alex Austerberry, asked the star if she would take a phone call from Fukofuka. McMillan did and after positive discussions and impressive performances for Sarries she got herself back in Scottish camp.

She was named in Scotland’s Guinness Women’s Six Nations squad but she wasn’t selected for the opening two games. Old wounds resurfaced from her Women’s Rugby World Cup snub but she persevered and starred in the team’s last three games of the tournament.

“There was so much pain and hurt there I wanted to go and prove myself to myself and to everybody else who told me for months that I wasn’t good enough,” McMillan added. “All of the conversations I had before [the tournament] were uplifting and then day one going into the Six Nations it was very much ‘you’re here now, all of that is forgotten, go and prove yourself’.

“It was a great opportunity to start from zero and prove myself to a new coaching staff… when I wasn’t selected for the first two games I was like, ‘have I made the biggest mistake of my life? And have I come back and not been able to prove myself?’ But now with hindsight there were no pre Six Nations camps. There was nothing for them to see me for a significant amount of time, so I had to prove myself.

“The reasons I got dropped the first week, by week three when I was selected I was told they were my strengths and they were so impressed with that. I am really proud of that on a personal level.

“Rugby is a team sport but I just had so much weight on my own shoulders that I put on myself, so when I got my chance to play I was really happy with how I played.

“I started the tournament not even as a travelling reserve and I finished the campaign starting, that is a huge achievement.”

While McMillan will not play international rugby anymore, she will still be running out for Saracens. The JAECOO Premiership Women’s Rugby champions are an “exciting” place to be for the 29-year-old.

“Yes I am not playing international rugby anymore but I am playing in an environment here which will push me to get better,” McMillan said.

“There are coaches where even in a handling session they are constantly giving you feedback and I love being in an environment like that. I do love being a Saracen.”