Six Nations Trumped

Since the Six Nations bandwagon last rolled into town, the world has changed. It’s been turned upside down more than an out of fashion, beyond vertical tackle.

Scotland are flying high, Ireland ended 111 years of hurt v the All Blacks and the only the thing to beat Eddie Jones is his slippery shower.

But, the world is about to get a whole lot stranger, as President Donald Trump* watched the opening weekend….

*For legal reasons, this is utterly fictitious.

The Six Nations by President Donald Trump, aged 70 and a half.

When I first heard British people talking about something called “rugbey” when their government visited me, I feared Beyoncé had opened a carpet shop. So, I asked my new friend Theresa May to explain it to me. She had me sold at hookers!

Then, when that fluffy haired blonde Foreign Secretary of hers described the Six Nations, it sounded like fate as my week had been all about seven nations. So, I kicked back in the Oval Office and put the rugby on all weekend.

You know what? I like rugby. First Impressions count. It’s masculine, fair and dignified. It’s like me with less Twitter followers.

My favourite team are Scotland. I hollered for them as they have great golf courses. Good people. Smart people. They also built Hadrian’s Wall like a thousand years ago, yet I’m the bad guy? Man, did they deliver for Uncle Donald!

The team who annoy me the most are France. Those Frenchies don’t pay their fair dues to NATO, yet they can afford to feed and clothe eight giants like Uini Atonio and Louis Picamoles? It’s a disgrace. I’m glad they buckled.

My favourite coach is Shaun Edwards. I’d heard whispers that some cowboy had been building great defensive walls for years. Boy, they weren’t wrong. Still not sure what the heck a blitz wall is, but I need to get me one of them!

It was great to see that talented little bloke Leigh Halfpenny running about, but he’s only half as valuable as my Vice-President, Mike Pence. FACT.

What else caught my eye? Rugby referees. Some guy called Angus Gardner ruled over England and France with an iron fist. He’s my kind of leader. No debate, nothing. Nobody voted for him yet the world rages at me, a democratically elected leader. But they obey an appointed one. Discrimination.

And what is this genius of the sin bin? Bad hombres commit crimes like illegal entry into rucks – I’ve been saying illegal entry is a problem for years! – or dodgy tackles and get packed off to a rugby jail. No trial. No Attorney General. Just adios for ten minutes Jonny May! ??

Substitutions are fantastic. With one flashing electronic board, you can drain the swamp, pump fresh legs on the field and make your team great again. That dude Haskell hit harder than one of these restraining orders I get threatened with.

I told Theresa we’d be friends but America is a very different place to Europe. Different tastes. Strange tastes. Dylan Hartley, Guilhem Guirado and Rory Best. Not exactly what we’d call hookers back in the US of A.

??I’m still confused as to why Russia aren’t involved? People say Russia couldn’t hack it in the tournament but that doesn’t sound right. I reckon they are involved and CNN just isn’t reporting it. More FAKE NEWS.

Maybe I’ll jump on Air Force One and catch a game next week. British women keep marching and chanting my name, so I know I’m popular. They’d love to see me!

Stay tuned.