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Since the Six Nations bandwagon last rolled into town, the world has changed. It’s been turned upside down more than an out of fashion, beyond vertical tackle.
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Scotland are flying high, Ireland ended 111 years of hurt v the All Blacks and the only the thing to beat Eddie Jones is his slippery shower.
But, the world is about to get a whole lot stranger, as President Donald Trump* watched the opening weekend….
*For legal reasons, this is utterly fictitious.
The Six Nations by President Donald Trump, aged 70 and a half.
When I first heard British people talking about something called “rugbey” when their government visited me, I feared Beyoncé had opened a carpet shop. So, I asked my new friend Theresa May to explain it to me. She had me sold at hookers!
Then, when that fluffy haired blonde Foreign Secretary of hers described the Six Nations, it sounded like fate as my week had been all about seven nations. So, I kicked back in the Oval Office and put the rugby on all weekend.
You know what? I like rugby. First Impressions count. It’s masculine, fair and dignified. It’s like me with less Twitter followers.
My favourite team are Scotland. I hollered for them as they have great golf courses. Good people. Smart people. They also built Hadrian’s Wall like a thousand years ago, yet I’m the bad guy? Man, did they deliver for Uncle Donald!
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The team who annoy me the most are France. Those Frenchies don’t pay their fair dues to NATO, yet they can afford to feed and clothe eight giants like Uini Atonio and Louis Picamoles? It’s a disgrace. I’m glad they buckled.
My favourite coach is Shaun Edwards. I’d heard whispers that some cowboy had been building great defensive walls for years. Boy, they weren’t wrong. Still not sure what the heck a blitz wall is, but I need to get me one of them!
It was great to see that talented little bloke Leigh Halfpenny running about, but he’s only half as valuable as my Vice-President, Mike Pence. FACT.
What else caught my eye? Rugby referees. Some guy called Angus Gardner ruled over England and France with an iron fist. He’s my kind of leader. No debate, nothing. Nobody voted for him yet the world rages at me, a democratically elected leader. But they obey an appointed one. Discrimination.
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And what is this genius of the sin bin? Bad hombres commit crimes like illegal entry into rucks – I’ve been saying illegal entry is a problem for years! – or dodgy tackles and get packed off to a rugby jail. No trial. No Attorney General. Just adios for ten minutes Jonny May! ??
Substitutions are fantastic. With one flashing electronic board, you can drain the swamp, pump fresh legs on the field and make your team great again. That dude Haskell hit harder than one of these restraining orders I get threatened with.
I told Theresa we’d be friends but America is a very different place to Europe. Different tastes. Strange tastes. Dylan Hartley, Guilhem Guirado and Rory Best. Not exactly what we’d call hookers back in the US of A.
??I’m still confused as to why Russia aren’t involved? People say Russia couldn’t hack it in the tournament but that doesn’t sound right. I reckon they are involved and CNN just isn’t reporting it. More FAKE NEWS.
Maybe I’ll jump on Air Force One and catch a game next week. British women keep marching and chanting my name, so I know I’m popular. They’d love to see me!
Stay tuned.
Comments on RugbyPass
Super Rugby desperately needs to lose at least 2, but up to 4 teams. Rebels quietly going bankrupt would have made that a bit easier. Teams like the Rebels and Force serve only to weaken Australian Rugby and Super Rugby more widely. In 13 years in the comp the Rebels are yet to win more games than they lose in a season, have never finished in the top half of the competition, and have come dead last a number of times. The Western Force, barring a brief stint of mediocrity under John Mitchell from 2007-2009 have been even worse. Sadly it’s hard to see a future for Moana Pasifika in Super Rugby. Likewise I think the writing is on the wall for the Highlanders, it’s hard to see how NZ rugby can continue to support 5 SR teams, and population distribution suggests one team in the south island would make the most sense.
41 Go to commentsNice that Connor Evans is happy to stay on here, that JD Schikerling is returning and Steven Kitshoff. Dobbo is careful to bring back just anybody but having a new financial lease of life, it has made the Stormers a more attractive club. On top of being good quality, having the financial backing helps a lot
1 Go to commentsEngland-qualified too, I believe.
1 Go to commentsThis might turn out to be emblematic of a real issue in Irish rugby. Ireland have one of the best -if not the best - senior sides in the world, and one of the best under 20s sides as well, but don’t seem to be giving graduating under20s players many opportunities to break through into URC starting lineups. There is a risk that a lot of the junior talent they are developing will either be wasted, or lost to other nations.
1 Go to commentsYou ask good questions, Nick. The group who have put together the proposal to play out of Tarneit and participate in the growing of the ground’s capacity are not a bunch of white knights who have been dragged in post-crisis; they were around whilst the Rebels accummulated $23m in debt. Why do we come up with ideas that might make the franchise affordable after it’s broke and not when it might have prevented the trainwreck this offseason was? As for Gordon/Kellaway v Lolesio/Wright, they are both good options. I think the former are better rugby players but the goal kicking of Noah may be decisive when Schmiddy makes his choices. I know Harry Jones has the hots for Edmed but I think it’s one of his few poor choices and he and Jorgensen aren’t close to the other pairs. By coincidence, the wife and I went into town over the weekend to watch Brian Cox and Patricia Clarkson in Long Day’s Journey into Night. Beautifully acted but it was 3.5 hours in the chair and very hard work. Like the Rebels, there were only small bursts of joy to go with a lot of bad news and a depressing story line. In the end, I was hoping it would end and I could give my sore butt a break. Again, familiar.
41 Go to commentsGood decision, very good player but not international quality. But so was Jamison Gibson Park …..
3 Go to commentsLoose forwards always look good going forward and winning. It’s the same loose forwards for the Crusaders and the Canes this year as last year. Too much of the shiny new things getting noticed here while older consistent ones getting bagged. It’s early days. Calm the farm.
6 Go to commentsThanks Nick, and on the money. We tend to be apathetic until something REALLY BAD happens, then we aren't! At least this applies to the Reb players and coach, if not the spectators. They seem to be getting very quick ball at times. Have they altered something, or is it just all of the skills coming together at the right time? It seems almost the opposite of the Reds, who started the season with quick ball, but haven't been showing that in the last 3 losing games. Is it attitude (McDermott hasn't looked “right” to me for 3 weeks), or something else?
41 Go to commentsGood summary. As said, Sevu Reece has been electrifying for the Crusaders. Great try and he has been everywhere. Amazing he is now equal with Caleb Ralph , club record of 52 tries for the Crusaders. That record beckons. Good to see Dallas McLeod getting regular starts at last. A big few weeks are ahead.
6 Go to commentsGood article/interview.As was said Christian Lio-Willie was barnstorming when he came on for the Crusaders. What happened at the end, self-explanatory.Captain fantastic Scott Barrett is due back soon as well, once they are back from Aussie. Great to see Ethan Blackadder back last week.
1 Go to commentsYou must have been watching one team, Andrew - and even then you missed the brightest star in the Chiefs pack - Naitoa Ah Kuoi, 2 turnovers, genuine line-out presence and grunt around the field, and the soft hands of a back.
6 Go to commentsHaha what a crock of sh!t these headlines are. Moorby’s best year was that first. Still doesn’t seem to have the same game about him as when he was fresh but has bounced back well this season to be playing consistent tight accurate footy
3 Go to commentsIt’s even dumber than Bernard Foley not kicking the penalty to touch in the Melbourne Bledisloe in 2022.
3 Go to commentsYes, they are traveling well but it’s early days. The Chiefs were in front with 20 to go while they snatched a last minute win v the Reds. Keep calm.
1 Go to commentsThe failure of the Irish system / rugby playing style to produce their own backs has them looking elsewhere for innovation and flair - not that Jordie has much flair. He’s a converted fullback. The Canes have plenty of other younger options.
10 Go to comments1.Watch Wallace Sititi be the wild card AB. A genuine full time no 8 2. Luke J like Sotutu has not delivered. 3. Chiefs have all the right cattle but badly miss the leadership of Webber. LJ is about as unconvincing as Sam Cane when under the pump. They had the winning of that game in the second half then fell apart.
6 Go to commentsYes the Rebels are showing signs of life because they are literally playing for their live -lihoods and thanks to their Australian attack coach. However they are still playing an essentially dull boring south african style for the rest of the time. And Geoff Parling must be the most useless lineout coach ever. Worse than Steve Hansen even. Interestingly we are starting to see more cheap shots and attempts to get away with cheating by Australian players, now they are being influenced by Joe Schmidt. It was exactly the same when Rennie started out as Wallaby coach and thru his tenure. Trying to teach Australians to play like kiwis doesn’t work, as the last 20 years has conclusively demonstrated. Especially when we are not as good at it as kiwis. Which of course is the whole idea …..
41 Go to commentsGreat signing, not sure where he’ll fit in though. As for him ‘playing alongside RG Snyman, that’s highly debatable given the likelyhood that the latter will spend most of the season on sick leave.
10 Go to commentsWowee!
10 Go to commentsEvery team that has played a game in Africa this Champions Cup season is already out of the competition - including the SA teams. Could be a concidence.
30 Go to comments