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'Psychopath', 'melted welly': Tom Varndell names his Ultimate XV
Former England wing Tom Varndell, the long-time all-time Premiership try-scorer until his tally of 92 was surpassed last year by Chris Ashton, has named an Ultimate XV consisting of players encountered across his lengthy career. The retired 37-year-old won four Test caps while also starring for Leicester and Wasps in a club CV that also included stints with Bristol, Scarlets and Yorkshire.
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Now working for Elite Athlete Management, a global sports management company, he made a guest appearance on this week’s RugbyPass Offload show. After talking through his career, he finished his interview by naming an XV made up of the best players he played with or against. Here is how his selection announcement unfolded:
“Loosehead, Marcos Ayerza. Played with him at Leicester Tigers. Ultimate professional. Hardly ever got injured. He was unbelievable. Really talented bloke. My hooker would be George Chuter. Great character, great clubman as well at Leicester Tigers. Very talented player as well.
“Julian White would be my tighthead prop. Absolute psychopath. You’d never ever want to piss off Julian. He was a very quiet bloke, but he was one of those guys who would be very unapproachable but just an unbelievable player.
“No4, Martin Johnson. He was my first captain at Tigers. He speaks for himself. He was just unreal. Simon Shaw would be my other lock. Man mountain and a great bloke on and off the pitch and he knew how to have a good time.
“No6 was Tom Croft. He was probably one of the best athletes I have ever seen on a rugby pitch. I actually think he beat me in a couple of sprints as well, he was just so talented and just an unbelievable athlete.
“No7 was Tom Rees. He was one of my captains at Wasps. His career got cut short quite soon but he would have gone on to be captain of England and probably got about 100 caps. He was a very talented boy. James Haskell, No8. Terrible banter, an absolute shithouse, but in terms of his work ethic and the way he played on the pitch he was unbelievable.
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“Joe Simpson would be my No9. He is one of the most talented scrum-halves to play the game. Didn’t get many England caps but lightning quick. Just such a talented boy. Really, really good and a nice bloke as well.
“Andy Goode would be my No10. Physically was in the worst condition, like a melted welly, but in terms of his skill set, he had one of the best passes in the game and his kicking game was unreal. Plus, he put me in for my first try for Tigers. He was so talented.
“In the backs, we have got Lote Tuqiri who shoved my head up my own arse during the Australia match. He was one of my idols growing up and he was just a hell of a player. When he came over to Tigers and he managed to play against me, he was just as good. He was such a good player, such a big bloke as well.
“Aaron Mauger would be my No12. The most skillful player I ever played with. Really good for youngsters coming through the system as well. Had a lot of time for boys. Great player.
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“Mathew Tait would be my No13. I played with him all the way through age-group stuff, known him for a long time and again, he didn’t get as many England caps as he should have but he was so professional, worked so hard off the pitch and on it.
“Then No14 would be Alesana Tuilagi. Just an incredible player. Devastating with the ball in hand. He was almost impossible to stop when he was on his day.
“Geordan Murphy would be my No15. He was just quality, both on the international stage and at club level. Bit of a mentor for me and yeah, just a fantastic player.”
RugbyPass Offload EP 77 with Tom Varndell ?
We speak with Tom as we talk…
– Premiership Semi-finals
– Alesana Tuilagi getting arrested ????
– Shaun Edwards trying to knock him out ???https://t.co/65d9tVoOtu pic.twitter.com/TtGteltSah
— RugbyPass (@RugbyPass) May 18, 2023
Varndell finished off his appearance on the show by taking on a quickfire Q&A challenge:
RugbyPass Offload: Best player you ever played with?
Tom Varndell: Geordan Murphy.
RPO: Best player you ever played against?
TV: Lote Tuqiri.
RPO: Biggest fight you witnessed in training?
TV: Alesana versus Lewis Moody. Playing a game of touch and Alesana got touched about 25 times, but he has carried on running and scored a try and Lewis Moody has just come out of nowhere and absolutely belted him in the back of the head. It all erupts, crazy, and then Martin Johnson grabs hold of Lewis and knocks him clean out. It was horrendous.
RPO: Three players with you in a cab on the way to the biggest party of your lives?
TV: Christian Wade, Danny Cipriani and Luke Narraway.
RPO: And finally, a player who has rubbed you up the wrong way in your career?
TV: Chris Ashton. I’ll say no more.
Comments on RugbyPass
He would be a great player for the Stormers, Dobbo should approach the guy.
3 Go to commentsGood article. A few years back when he was playing for the Cheetahs, he was a quiet standout for exactly the seasons stated here. I occasionally get to see his games in the UK, and he has become a more complete player and in many ways like an Irish player. His work ethic is so suitable to the Leinster game. I wonder if Rassie would have him listed somewhere.
3 Go to commentsResults probably skewed by the fact that a few clubs have foreign fly halves in their 30s, but most teams have young English scrum halves. Results also likely to be skewed by the fact that many teams rely on centres and fullbacks to provide depth at 10, whereas they will need to stock a large number of specialist backup 9s.
1 Go to commentsI really get the sense that when all is said and done, the path of least resistance will end up being a merger of Wasps & Worcester that essentially kills the Worcester Warriors brand and sees Wasps permanently playing at Sixways. I’m not saying that’s what should happen or what I want to happen. I just think it’s the easiest rout to take and therefore, will be what happens. Wasps will definitely return to play first, and I suppose it all depends on if they can find support at Sixways. If people turn up and support Wasps in that community, at that ground, I bet they drop the Sevenoaks plan and just remain at Sixways. Under the radar but not totally unrelated, it looks as though London Irish are going to be brought back from the dead by a German consortium and look set to return, likely to the remade Championship. It’s set to have 12 clubs next season with 14 in 2025/26, what do you want to bet those extra 2 are Wasps and London Irish?
1 Go to commentsThe shoulder is a “joint” with multiple bones. You don’t “fracture” a shoulder, you fracture any one or more of the bones that make up a shoulder.
2 Go to commentsOh dear, bones too suspect to continue?
2 Go to commentsBold headline considering the Canes and Blues are 1 and 2 and the Brumbies were soundly beaten by the Chiefs and Blues. Biggest surprise is Rebels 4 Crusaders 12 - no one saw that coming. If Aus are improving that’s great 👍
1 Go to commentsAnna, You are right, we need to have patience whilst the others catch up to England and France. Also it is the PWR that has been the game changer for England. the RFU put money into that initially at the expense of the Red Roses. I was sceptical at first but it has paid off in spades.
1 Go to commentsI think Matt Proctor became a 1 test AB in the same fixture. Cameron is quality and has been great this season, can’t believe’s he only 27. Realistically how would he not be selected for ABs squad this year. Only Dmac is ahead of him as a specialist 10. With Jordan out, it will come down to where and when Beauden Barrett slots back in, and where they want to play Ruben Love. Cameron seems an absolute lock in for the wider squad though. Added benefit of TJ-Cameron-Jordie combination at 9, 10, 11 too.
1 Go to commentsFarcical, to what end would someone want to pay to keep this thing going.
1 Go to commentsHavili, our best 12 by a mile, will be in the squad, if he stays fit. JB is the most overrated AB in the last 50 years.
61 Go to commentsWe had during the week twilight footy, twilight cricket, tw golf plus there was the athletics club. Then the weekend was rugby 15s plus the net ball, really busy club scene back then but so much has changed and rugby has suffered. And it was all about changing lifestyles.
6 Go to commentsIn the 70s and 80s my club ran 5 Senior sides plus a Vets. Now it is 2 sides with an occasional 3rd team. Players have difficulty getting to training now, not sure why and the commitment is not there. It seems to me more a problem of people applying themselves and not expecting to turn up and play whenever they want to.
6 Go to commentsROG’s contract is until 2027. The conversation about a successor to Galthie after RWC 2027 may be starting now. We can infer that Galthie’s reign stops then. He is throwing the Irish Coaching Job angle in because he is Irish. The next Irish coach MUST be Leo Cullen. As well as being the best coach available, coaching the vast majority of Irish Internationals week in week out, he has shown incredible skill at recruiting the best coaching staff for the job in hand. That was a failing in France. Cullen is a shrewd guy and if there is a need for foreign coaches underneath him he won’t hesitate. Rightly so. Ireland does need to start to bring Irish coaches through. Not just at the professional level but we need to train coaches to man new pathways for developing kids from schools/clubs up through the divisions.
8 Go to commentsNo Islam says it must rule where it stands Thus it is to be deleted from this planet Earth
18 Go to commentsThis team probably does not beat the ABs sadly Not sure if BPA will be available given his signing for Force but has to enter consideration. Very strong possibility of getting schooled by the AB props. Advantage AB. Rodda/Skelton would be a tasty locking combination - would love to see how they get on. Advantage Wallabies. Backrow a risk of getting out hustled and outmuscled by ABs. Will be interesting to see if the Blues feast on the Reds this weekend the way they did the Brumbies we are in big trouble at the breakdown. Great energy, running and defence but goalkicking/general kicking/passing quality in the halves bothers me enormously. SA may have won the World Cup for a lot of the tournament without a recognised goalkicker but Pollard in the final made a difference IMO. Injuries and retirements leave AB stocks a bit lighter but still stronger. 12 and 13 ABs shade it (Barret > Paisami, Ione = Ikitau, arguably) Interesting clash of styles on the wings - Corey Toole running around Caleb Clark and Caleb running over the top of Toole. Reece vs Koro probably the reverse. Pretty even IMO. 15s Kelleway = Love See advantage to ABs man for man, but we are not obviously getting slaughtered anywhere which makes a nice change. Think talent wise we are pretty even and if our cohesion and teamwork is better than the ABs then its just about doable.
11 Go to commentsCompletely agree. More friday night games would be a hit. RFU to make sure every club has a floodlit pitch. Club opens again Saturday to welcome touch / tag. Minis and youths on Sunday
6 Go to comments1.97m and 105Kg? Proportionately, probably skinnier than me at 1.82 and 82kilos. He won’t survive against the big guys at that weight.
56 Go to commentsThe value he brought to the crusaders as an assistant was equal to what he got out of being there. He reflected not only on the team culture but also the credit he attributed to the rugby community. Such experience shouldn’t be overlooked.
8 Go to commentsGood luck Aussie
11 Go to comments