Why The Six Nations is a Bigger Deal Than The Super Bowl

The IRB Six Nations is a superior sporting event to the NFL Super Bowl and Dan Johansson has conclusive evidence to back it up.

This weekend, the biggest annual sporting contest on Earth kicks off again. Blood will be spilled, beer will be drunk, and out-of-shape couch potatoes across the land will decry the prowess of superhuman athletes with little to no sense of irony.

This weekend also plays host to the NFL’s Super Bowl, American Football’s answer to Wrestlemania (with more padding and less eyeliner).

Of course, one could say that the two are mutually exclusive and making comparisons is both impractical and redundant. But this is the internet damn it; nuance and rationality are not our strong suits, so here are some whimsical comparisons.

International Appeal
According to the BBC, 170 different countries are set to tune into Sunday’s broadcast of Super Bowl LI: “This Time It’s Personal”  However, the Six Nations has almost 300 broadcast deals according to this handy pdf. Even though some of those involve multiple broadcasters in the same countries, I’m chalking this one up as a win for the egg-chasers.

Historic Rivalry
The Six Nations features the best sides Europe has to offer, battling it out not only for sporting supremacy, but for the opportunity to lord it over your nearest neighbours for another twelve months. And we in Europe love nothing better than dancing that precarious line between friendly banter and casual racism. Expect plenty of jokes about Welsh sheep-farmers, Irish functional alcoholism, sweaty socks, frogs and pizza, and a unifying core of how everyone hates the English.

What’s in a name?
This year’s Super Bowl features De’Vondre Campbell, Julio Jones, Vince Valentine and Dont’a Hightower. Wales have three players named Davies, three named Williams, two named Evans and two named Jones. Begrudgingly the Super Bowl wins this one.

Red, White & Blue
The Super Bowl on the other hand has none of this international combative camaraderie. It’s as proudly American as apple pie or gun-barrel bacon, and that’s part of the appeal. It’s an over the top showcase of everything that we know and love about the USA. It’s jam-packed with gloss and glamour, explosions and excess and the winners get a jewel-encrusted ring and a new Hyundai.

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Music options
A short one this. The Super Bowl Half-Time show features the biggest global superstars of the entertainment world. They’re given the the GDP of a small country and told to shake that thang for our amusement. The Six Nations has 60,000 Welshmen singing Bread of Heaven. No contest.

Gender Gap
This year’s Women’s Six Nations will be the first to be televised in full, and slow progress is being made towards professionalism with England now boasting 38 players on professional contracts. The NFL on the other hand, sued the now-defunct National Women’s Football League into changing their name, and the only female representation associated with this year’s Super Bowl will be the cheerleaders and a Lingerie Bowl. The Six Nations wins by virtue of it being 20 bloody 17.

The Game Itself
The old saying goes that ‘soccer’ is 90 minutes of pretending you’re hurt, rugby is 80 minutes of pretending you’re not. And, according to the Wall Street Journal American Football is 11 minutes of playing sport and 174 minutes of pretending Lucky Charms form part of a delicious and nutritious breakfast, on sale now at a store near you!

Padding & Protection
Much is made of American Football’s comparative abundance of protective gear, as if being dressed as a sofa makes much difference when a 7 foot behemoth weighing 18 stone runs through you like a train through soft cheese. Rugby players though are held together by sticky tape and a sheer determination to ignore all medical wisdom. “Oh my shoulder is dislocated, my leg broken and my jawbone currently being passed around the west stand as a pint glass? Hold on a second lads, I’ll just stick some tape on and get back in there”.

Keeping it simple
To an outsider, rugby is probably the simpler of the two games. 16 fat blokes wrestle the ball off one another and then chuck it to 14 little blokes who prance away with it. American Football on the other hand comprises of multiple subsets of teams performing intricate choreography all set to a soundtrack of confusing terminology and baffling statistics. It’s admittedly impressive that supporters can follow the play so well, considering that the most insightful analysis most rugby fans are able to offer their team is “HIT HIM!”.

Overall though, the Six Nations takes the edge by virtue of being easy enough to understand that you can be drunk when you watch it, as well as complicated enough that you can look down on people who don’t get it.

Summary
A clear win for the Six Nations here. The NFL may have the glitz and the profile, and they may have stolen Eddie Butler for the epic-voiceover department, but the tradition, the heated rivalries and the passion involved give the victory to rugby union. I’ll be watching both of course, but given a straight choice I’d take Dylan Hartley being bundled over the muddy try line in the pouring rain over a Tom Brady Hail Mary touchdown any day.