Losing to Henry Pollock would be unbearable

There is no brandy and Coke mix strong enough for what would happen if Henry Pollock wins at Ellis Park.

Not England. Not Steve Borthwick. Not Marcus Smith gliding into space or Ben Earl running in on the angle. Henry Pollock. The blond hair, the grin, the bounce, the camera-aware strut, the whole infuriating package. If England triumph in the City of Gold for the first time since 1972, that would sting. Anyone but England, and all that.

But knowing that Pollock had a hand in it, the national headloss might be visible from space.

South African rugby has had villains before. Real ones. Manufactured ones. English ones. Martin Johnson was too hard to disrespect. Jonny Wilkinson was too good to ignore. Owen Farrell was, well, Owen Farrell.

But this 21-year-old lad from Oxfordshire is different. Don’t take my word for it. Take the word of some of the greatest to ever don the Bok jersey.

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45 - 21

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England

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Duane Vermeulen said that he’d love to come out of retirement for just 10 minutes so he could “have a crack” at the young man. Schalk Burger dismissed him as a “TikTok dancer”. Even Rassie Erasmus, ever the master of the understated mind game, has repeatedly highlighted Pollock’s physicality and the threat he poses, all but hanging a target on the youngster’s back before a ball has been kicked.

They’re not alone. Depending on your social media algorithm, you can’t scroll for two minutes before you encounter some middle-aged man with crow’s feet under his eyes baying for Pollock’s blood. He’s the topic of conversation for podcasts looking for a slice of the attention economy. Schalk Brits’ son even wants a Henry Pollock haircut.

Think what you want about Pollock as a person, or even a rugby player, but that is remarkable stuff. This is how you know a player has arrived. Not when he celebrates a try or signs a contract with Eddie Hearn. Not when England’s social media team puts him front and centre, because of course they know exactly what they’re doing. A true mark that a player has arrived is when he gets under South African skin before he has even properly faced the Springboks.

That is also what makes Saturday’s game such a dangerous prospect. There is the very real threat that England will catch the Boks cold.

It has happened before. Sort of. In 2018, in the Test that became the genesis of the Erasmus-Kolisi dynasty, England raced into a 24-3 lead at Ellis Park before South Africa fought back. Last year, Australia exposed the flip side. The Wallabies were 22-0 down in Johannesburg and still won 38-22. So yes, altitude matters. But it does not only belong to the Boks. If the game breaks open, it can become an accelerant for either side.

South Africa have exploitable vulnerabilities. The second-row is suddenly threadbare, with RG Snyman, Franco Mostert and Lood de Jager all unavailable, leaving Ruan Nortje with an almighty shift ahead of him. Pieter-Steph du Toit may yet find himself covering lock after draining his tank at flank. Damian Willemse could finish the afternoon having played fly-half and fullback, while Cheslin Kolbe has quietly, and worryingly, emerged as the squad’s safest boot.

Then there is rhythm. Eben Etzebeth, Siya Kolisi and du Toit have not exactly been drowning in rugby minutes. Eight Springboks this weekend are more than 10 years older than Pollock. That does not make them old. But it does make this a different kind of test, especially for the eight players who have not played at 1,750 metres above sea level since the last time the Springboks were in town.

England, meanwhile, have freedom. Nobody expects them to win. Nobody will call this a crisis if they lose. That is a useful place from which to play rugby.

And if Borthwick encourages his team to go out and cosplay as the Northampton Saints, then South Africa could have a problem. Erasmus won’t want a game that is stretched to bursting point. He’ll want to hammer the English rose until it folds in on itself before things get out of hand.

But that is simply the pessimistic view. The version of events that starts with Pollock laughing at a ruck and ends with half the country swearing at the TV. Park the anxiety and the picture changes.

The Boks should win. They have the better scrum, a more robust tight five, a more experienced centre pairing, more proven finishers out wide, a far better bench and they have Malcolm Marx. England have to be somewhere close to their best and South Africa have to stay put in second gear. If the Boks are accurate, England will spend most of the afternoon scrambling.

Erasmus knows this, which is why he’s picked a group that once again sends shivers across the rugby world.

Or maybe it’s because, like the rest of us, Erasmus senses deep in his marrow that this is one he simply cannot let slip. Not if he wants to avoid seeing a kid with a blond mop and a cheeky grin dancing on TikTok, rubbing South African noses in their own mess.