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In Defence of Michael Cheika, the Least Boring Man in Rugby

By Hayden Donnell
Wallabies coach Michael Cheika watches his team warm up. Photo: Getty

Michael Cheika is always getting hassled for his passionate outbursts. Hayden Donnell argues the Wallabies coach is good for the game.

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Michael Cheika blasted one of his players for being an idiot last weekend. Will Skelton could have cost Australia the match against Scotland after earning a late yellow card, and his coach had feelings about it, telling media, “He doesn’t have to do it. We had our own penalty, it’s after the whistle and it wasn’t clever”. It was a more direct quote than just about any Robbie Deans has given in his career, and it was probably the least interesting thing Cheika has said in weeks.

The foul-mouthed Wallabies coach is a rugby anomaly. Many of the game’s top figures are aggressively boring. The greatest player of all time, Richie McCaw, spent 16 years giving interviews without actually saying anything. Most current international captains follow his patented media model. Coaches are little better. All Blacks mastermind Steve Hansen may be a fence post posing as a human. Newly assigned Lions coach Warren Gatland could be the most miserable man in the world. Every shot of his coaching box is like a sneak peek into the centre of hell.

Warren Gatland stares through the veil of tears into the abyss beyond
Warren Gatland stares through the veil of tears into the abyss beyond

And that’s saying nothing of John Mitchell.

There aren’t many scandals for fans to get worked up about either. Whereas league is awash in borderline criminal administrators, hotel corridor shitters, and bubbling incidents, union is monastic by comparison. People praise its sedate culture, saying it shows the game is more dignified than its boozed-soaked, perpetually horned up Australian cousin. But there’s a downside to being good: you can be dull. There’s a shortage of stuff to get worked up over in rugby – no material for terrible memes or angry Facebook debates with VB-encrusted men.

Enter Michael Cheika. While most of his peers dance around anything that might be even loosely defined as “interesting”, he openly rants about everything from “bitterly disappointing” refs to his paralysing fear of clowns. When we get a look inside his commentary box, he’s nearly always letting off a string of obscenities so foul they’d be illegal in most countries.

Michael Cheika prepares to launch into an unprintably vile tirade. Photo: Getty
Michael Cheika prepares to launch into an unprintably vile tirade. Photo: Getty
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When the camera’s not on him, he indulges in extreme violence against doors. Lately he’s expanded his routine into training, breaking his shoulder after being struck by a flying Israel Folau in training.

For his services to entertainment, Cheika is forced to endure a flood of devastating zingers and owns. He gets called “fragile” by the Sydney Morning Herald. Hassled repeatedly over his clown shame by the NZ Herald. The truth is those newspapers should be constructing gold statues of the Australian coach next to the desks of their rugby writers. Cheika is the only thing saving them from another week desperately trying to convince their subscribers to spend 10 minutes reading about Ryan Crotty being a “cerebral” player or how sides “shouldn’t underestimate” their next opponent.

Maybe he’s not the best coach ever. Maybe he’s doomed to spend the rest of his international coaching career watching his side getting wasted by the All Blacks. But wins are fleeting, gone in a week. In rugby, personality is a much rarer thing. Cheika needs to be treasured, along with his non-boring peers like David Pocock, Nigel Owens, Eddie Jones, Dylan Hartley, and the Hira Bhana Spudman.

The Hira Bhana Spudman in action for Auckland.
The Hira Bhana Spudman in action for Auckland.
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So even if the Wallabies get caned by France, eviscerated by England, please don’t ramp up the calls to sack him. Cheika’s a character in a rugby landscape bereft of them.  A bright spark in an ocean of lifeless sadsacks. The Wallabies need him. Rugby needs him. We need him.

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Trevor 44 minutes ago
Will forgotten Wallabies fit the Joe Schmidt model?

Thanks Brett.. At last a positive article on the potential of Wallaby candidates, great to read. Schmidt’s record as an international rugby coach speaks for itself, I’m somewhat confident he will turn the Wallaby’s fortunes around …. on the field. It will be up to others to steady the ship off the paddock. But is there a flaw in my optimism? We have known all along that Australia has the players to be very competitive with their international rivals. We know that because everyone keeps telling us. So why the poor results? A question that requires a definitive answer before the turn around can occur. Joe Schmidt signed on for 2 years, time to encompass the Lions tour of 2025. By all accounts he puts family first and that’s fair enough, but I would wager that his 2 year contract will be extended if the next 18 months or so shows the statement “Australia has the players” proves to be correct. The new coach does not have a lot of time to meld together an outfit that will be competitive in the Rugby Championship - it will be interesting to see what happens. It will be interesting to see what happens with Giteau law, the new Wallaby coach has already verbalised that he would to prefer to select from those who play their rugby in Australia. His first test in charge is in July just over 3 months away .. not a long time. I for one wish him well .. heaven knows Australia needs some positive vibes.

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B
Bull Shark 4 hours ago
Jake White: Are modern rugby players actually better?

Of the rugby I’ve born witness to in my lifetime - 1990 to date - I recognize great players throughout those years. But I have no doubt the game and the players are on average better today. So I doubt going back further is going to prove me wrong. The technical components of the game, set pieces, scrums, kicks, kicks at goal. And in general tactics employed are far more efficient, accurate and polished. Professional athletes that have invested countless hours on being accurate. There is one nation though that may be fairly competitive in any era - and that for me is the all blacks. And New Zealand players in general. NZ produces startling athletes who have fantastic ball skills. And then the odd phenomenon like Brooke. Lomu. Mcaw. Carter. Better than comparing players and teams across eras - I’ve often had this thought - that it would be very interesting to have a version of the game that is closer to its original form. What would the game look like today if the rules were rolled back. Not rules that promote safety obviously - but rules like: - a try being worth 1 point and conversion 2 points. Hence the term “try”. Earning a try at goals. Would we see more attacking play? - no lifting in the lineouts. - rucks and break down laws in general. They looked like wrestling matches in bygone eras. I wonder what a game applying 1995 rules would look like with modern players. It may be a daft exercise, but it would make for an interesting spectacle celebrating “purer” forms of the game that roll back the rules dramatically by a few versions. Would we come to learn that some of the rules/combinations of the rules we see today have actually made the game less attractive? I’d love to see an exhibition match like that.

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