Power Ranking the All Blacks based on Lima Sopoaga anecdotes
Former All Black and current Wasps first-five eighth Lima Sopoaga recently gave The Daily Mail the inside word on Steve Hansen’s starting side to face England this weekend.
Sopoaga, a 16-Test veteran, delivered a handful of anecdotes about each player in the lineup. Naturally, we decided to rank everyone based on his assessment.
15. Rieko Ioane
Coming in at number 15, the bottom spot, is star winger Rieko Ioane. According to Sopoaga, Ioane likes to call himself ‘Swaggy Reeks’. The only thing that ‘reeks’ is that nickname.
Even worse, it’s self-appointed, which is breaking the nickname law.
14. Sonny Bill Williams
Sopoaga states that he used to skip school just to watch highlight tapes of mercurial midfielder Sonny Bill Williams.
Attending school is a legal requirement in New Zealand, so anyone instigating truancy needs to slip down our rankings.
13. Damian McKenzie
The All Blacks’ electrifying fullback ‘loves Fortnite’, but sounds too emotionally invested in the video game. He can’t handle Brodie Retallick and Liam Squire turning off the TV or ‘he’ll get all sad about it!’. Tough look for the youngster.
12. Aaron Smith
It sounds like Aaron Smith spends a fair bit of time ‘taking the L’ in popular video game Fortnite. He comes in just ahead of Damian McKenzie, who is reportedly good at Fortnite.
11. Ben Smith
Sopoaga doesn’t rate Ben Smith’s golf swing, which means I can’t rate him very highly here. There are 12 Ben Smiths registered with New Zealand Golf and the lowest handicap any of them play off is a 15.4, so there is no evidence to refute Sopoaga’s claim.
10. Codie Taylor
Sopoaga made note of Taylor’s ‘bromance’ with All Blacks winger Waisake Naholo. What is it with hookers thinking they are wingers?
9. Sam Whitelock
Whitelock’s assessment is pretty cut and dry. The man loves hunting and fishing, which perfectly matches his primitive on-field style and love for all the dirty work.
8. Ardie Savea
Ardie Savea ‘thinks he’s the Russell Westbrook of rugby’. Wins points for bringing back the turtleneck.
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7. Jack Goodhue
Word that Goodhue missed a training camp to help milk cows is a fantastic call to All Blacks past. Stan Meads must be proud.
6. Owen Franks
The 104 Test prop brought a protein shake to his own wedding to ensure he didn’t get ‘hangry’. Power move.
5. Karl Tuinukuafe
Tu’inukuafe’s upper lip gets all the respect here. As Sopoaga said, ‘nice moustache’. Perhaps one of the best in All Black history.
4. Beauden Barrett
According to Sopoaga, Barrett should have his PGA tour card and be duking it out with Justin Rose and Brooks Koepka. He is ‘the man’.
3. Kieran Read
Captain Kieran reportedly spends a lot of time playing cards in hotel lobbies while relaxing. The last time I heard about professional athletes playing cards, Michael Jordan was on a plane and stakes were higher than the altitude. I’m going to imagine it’s the same type of deal with the All Blacks.
2. Brodie Retallick
Sopoaga credits the big lock for starting the All Blacks’ mullet movement.
What else is left to say. Mullets are officially BACK.
1. Liam Squire
Sopoaga’s anecdote about his former Highlanders teammate instantly shot the loose forward to the top of the rankings.
Another big hunting advocate, 39% of his Instagram posts include a dead pig (I did the math). But in the end all it took was seven magical words to seal Squire’s spot at the top of the rankings. ‘Always hooks the boys up with roasts.’
The Sultan of Swine, he’ll always have a place in my team.
In other news:
Comments on RugbyPass
Steve Borthwick deserves credit for releasing the shackles on his England side and letting them play in a manner that somewhat resembles the top sides in the Gallagher Premiership. Will they revert to type in New Zealand in July.?
15 Go to commentsJames Lowe wouldn't get in any other 6N team. He's a great example of Farrell’s brilliance, and the Irish system. He is slow. His footwork is poor. But he fits perfectly in that Irish system, and has a superb impact. But put him in another team, and he'll look bang average.
3 Go to commentsCrusaders reached their heights through recruitment of North Island players, often leaving those NI teams bereft of key players. Example: Scott Barrett and Sam Whitelock robbed the Canes of their lineout and AB locks. For years the Canes have struggled at lock. This rabid recruitment was iniated by rule changes by a Crusader dominated NZR Head Office. Now this aggressive recruitment has back-fired, going after young inside back Hamilton Boys stars. They now have 4 Chiefs region 10s and not one with the requisite experience at Super level. Problems of their own making!
2 Go to commentsOver rated for a long time…exposed at scrum time too.
3 Go to comments“Firing me” should have been Gatland’s answer.
2 Go to commentsFinn Russell logic: “World” = 4 countries. Ireland may be at or near the top. FR’s bigger concern should be he and his fellow Scots (incl. the Bloemfontein ones) sliding back down to below top 10
42 Go to commentsMind games have begun. Ireland learned their lesson after saying they could beat England with 13 players or whatever. Still, if they win at Loftus, that would be impressive - final frontier etc.
58 Go to comments$950k for a Prop that isn’t fit enough to play 10 mins of rugby? Surely there is someone better to replace Big Mike with
3 Go to commentsFour Kiwis in that backline. A solid statement on the lack of invention, risk-taking and joy in the NH game; game of attrition and head- banging tedium. Longterm medical problems aplenty in the future!
3 Go to commentsGood article, I learnt quite a lot. A big sliding door moment was in the mid 00s when they rejected Steve Anderson's long term transformation and he wrote Ireland's strategy instead.
2 Go to commentsHi Dr Nick! I'm worried that I've started to enjoy watching England and have actually wanted them to win their last two games. What would you prescribe? On a more serious note, I've noticed that the standard of play in March is often better than early February. Do you think this is because of the weather or because the players have been together for longer?
15 Go to commentsMy question in all this brett is who is going to wear the consequences of these actions? Surely just getting the sack isn’t sufficient? A teenager working the till at woolies would probably get taken to court if they took $20 out of the till. You mean to tell me that someone can spend $2.6 million and get away with it? Where was it spent? What companies/people were the beneficiaries etc? How is it just being talked about as an ‘oopsie’ and we all just move on and not a matter of the court for gross negligence, fraud, take your pick…
18 Go to commentslove Manu too but England have relied on him coming back from injury for far too long and not sorted the position with someone else long term . It will be a blessing he has gone . Huge shame he was so injury prone . God speed Manu .
3 Go to commentsI agree with Ben Smith about Brett Cameron. The No. 6 position has to be a monster and a genuine lineout option, like Ollivon, Lawes (now Chessum), Du Toit, etc. The only player who fits that bill right now is Scott Barrett. A fit and fizzing Tuipolotu together with one of the young towers, Sam Darry or Josh Lord, would give Razor the freedom to play Barret at 6.
16 Go to commentsOutstanding article, Graham. Agree with all of it. And enjoy the style of writing too (particularly Grand Slap!).
3 Go to commentsI wouldn't pay a cent for that loafer. He just stands around, waiting for play to come his way. He won't make the Wallabies.
3 Go to commentsGood bit of te reo maori Nic. Or is that Niko or Nikora? On the theme of trees the Oaks v Totara. Game plan would be key. I have one but it would cost you.
15 Go to comments> Shaun Edwards’ You should not have to score 30 points to win a game, as exciting as it is. This statement was surprising to me. It is nonsensical .I guess it is a defence coach speaking. But head coach, defence and attacking coaches all work together. They are inseparable. You score more than the opposition to win. It only needs to be one score. You score whatever the game demands, whatever the opposition demand. You defend whatever it takes. The attack coach needs to be able to clock up 30pts if need be.
15 Go to commentsWho’d have thought, not having Farrell & Youngs kicking the ball at every possible opportunity and playing flat and allowing your centres to run and pass would pay off? No one could possibly have seen this coming. FML. It took a LONG time coming but at least that time has finally come. England need to find a backup to Lawrence. Freeman is the best candidate for me, I see no reason why he can't play 12. He's big, strong, fast and has great hands.
15 Go to commentsLove Manu but he's not the player he was and I imagine Bayonne have paid too much money for him.
3 Go to comments