What Super Rugby means to a Northern Hemisphere rugby fan

What does a defence-worshipping Englishman see when they watch a game of Super Rugby? Lee Calvert has some observations.

1. The crushing of our hopes and dreams
Despite all the lessons the history of rugby has taught us, we still labour under the misapprehension that somehow New Zealand will one day stop being so good. Each time a squad of All Blacks is reaching a transitional phase the tiny beacon of hope is lit: that this time, this time, the next generation will be, if not rubbish, then a least a little bit rubbisher than the last. Then we watch Super Rugby and see an obscenely talented 19-year-old winger at the Highlanders, or a collection of monstrously terrifying forwards all under the age of 23 scattered across the Blues and the ‘Canes, or an already brilliant player who has spent five years behind the retiring All Blacks incumbent. This is the point at which we weep salty tears of frustration, shake our fists at the sky and shout “WHY? WHY? WHY?!”

2. Way too many points
To us, Super Rugby points totals resemble a strange hybrid of cricket and basketball scores. “Ah look, it was 42-3 at half time and now it’s finished 96-75.”  Southern Hemisphere types call this a feast of attacking skill to enrich your rugby soul. Northern Hemisphere rugby fans call it stupid. It’s not that we don’t like attacking rugby per se, it’s just that we don’t really understand it. On his conquests Genghis Khan destroyed things he didn’t understand – things like cities – and that’s kind of what we do to attacking rugby. We also genuinely prefer to see teams that can defend. It would appear that is more important to us than it is to Southern Hemisphere fans.

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3. Manifest rugby destiny
When the Europeans first arrived on the soil of what is now the United States of America, they decided that it was their destiny to take over the entire continent – something that became known as a ‘manifest destiny.’ Super Rugby has adopted this concept in a sporting context, something completely at odds with Northern Hemisphere thinking. Up north, if a nation or club asks to join one of our competitions they are more-or-less told to piss right off by the men at the helm of our great tournaments.  In the south it’s the more the merrier; anyone can join. A Japanese team with a batshit mascot and little chance of winning? Climb aboard, lads! A de facto Argentina team who have to clock up 97 million air miles every season? You are welcome. It would not be a surprise if by 2025 there is a Super Rugby franchise on Saturn. Anything goes. Unless you’re Pacific Islands team – then you are given the Northern Hemisphere treatment.

4. An opportunity to keep drinking all weekend
Due to the mysteries of international time difference, Super Rugby allows us to incorporate the action into a full weekend drinking cycle. A few lagers on Friday morning watching a match from New Zealand, continued into a tipsy viewing on Friday evening of a South African conference game, then watching the Jaguares completely sozzled at 11 pm out of one eye with a kebab balanced on our chests. Hungover breakfast on Saturday watching an Australian match-up, repeat Friday but replace Jaguares with Sunwolves. Sunday is mostly nausea and self-loathing, but that is still a bloody good weekend in anyone’s book.

5. Rain.
If there’s one thing Super Rugby has taught us it’s that it rains a lot in New Zealand. There have been roughly four televised matches in the last ten years where it wasn’t pissing it down. Fact.