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'Several England players I know dread training camp': Premiership star saved from suicide opens up on mental health struggles
Veteran Premiership lock Kearnan Myall has revealed how he nearly resorted to suicide in order to cope with the mental pressures associated with being a professional rugby player, and that a number of current internationals are being overwhelmed with such mental strains.
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The 32-year-old has played more than 200 games for Wasps, Sale and Leeds, and was part of the England squad which toured Argentina in 2013, although he has never been capped internationally.
Myall now has his mental wellbeing back in check after undertaking counselling, but that wasn’t the case when he was found on the wrong side of a balcony on the 15th level of a hotel in Dubai during a mid-season break with Wasps players.
“I imagine suicide is very different with different people,” he told in an interview with The Guardian.
“With some people it’s a cry for help but that wasn’t what I was doing at all. I just wanted the situation to be over. Luckily one of my teammates, Charlie Davies, came out, grabbed me and dragged me back over.
“I remember him shouting at me: ‘What are you doing?’ I just started crying and saying: ‘I don’t know.’ I can’t say if I was going to do it but I was in a place where it wasn’t a big deal. I’d already made my peace with it. It was just a case of it happening at some point in time.”
“There are several England players I know who dread going into camp. They don’t want to go there,” he said.
“It’s nothing to do with being worried about the physical aspects of training, or the media. It’s a combination of pressure, scrutiny, what’s going to be said and what they’re going to be made to do within the confines of the camp. What are the longevity of those sort of tactics?
“The pressures in rugby are only going to get bigger. They’re increasing season on season far quicker than anything that is supposed to be helping people.”
The end of a long-term relationship at the peak of his career was something Myall struggled to cope with.
“It just sent me into a spiral. I began to think I must be a really shit person. It got to the point where I convinced myself I was worthless, that I was a burden on everybody around me. The only way I felt I could solve the problem was to take myself out of the picture and commit suicide.
“There was a period of two to three months where I’d made peace with the fact that, at some point, I was going to commit suicide. I was drinking a lot, I was spending thousands of pounds on nights out. One Saturday night, in the middle of the season, I went out and took a load of cocaine.”
A random drug test 48 hours later saw Myall slapped with a fine and sent for medical help whilst remaining anonymous, as per Rugby Football Union policy.
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“It was probably the best and most lucky thing that could have happened to me. It’s basically a test to clean up people like me, who either have a drugs problem or are in trouble. You get fined £5000 and sent to see a psychiatrist in central London. I sat down and explained how I was feeling. Very calmly he explained I was clinically depressed. I remember sitting there thinking: ‘I’m not clinically depressed. Do you not know I’m an athlete?'”
Since then, Myall has found a new partner and immersed himself in his university studies, with meditation and mindfulness proving to be extremely helpful.
He hopes his openness about his problems will help others.
“Rugby is an amazing game and it’s given me so much but it’s 24/7. Your life is your job. If you’ve got a problem it filters into your entire life,” he told The Guardian.
“A lot of the guys in charge have come from the amateur days when it’s a release to come to training and bash a few heads together two to three times a week. It’s a case of: ‘You need to toughen up, get your head down, work hard.’ You’d expect that as players get paid more they’d get looked after better but from what I’ve seen they’re becoming more disposable.”
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. In New Zealand, the Suicide Crisis Helpline is 0508 828 865. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
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Comments on RugbyPass
After a fairly simple Pac4, the BFs will find out a lot about themselves in September when they face the rampaging RedRoses at Twickenham in front of a record crowd. After that they will face them again in Canada in WXV1. They also have France to contend with. Will be interesting to see what Australia have to offer with Jo Yapp at the helm.
1 Go to commentsSuper Rugby Pacific has been better as a spectacle due to the emphasis on speeding the game up and I’d look at taking things a step further. Instead of giving teams 90 seconds to take a conversion, let’s bring that down 60 seconds. You could also look at allowing 45 seconds for a penalty goal. Maybe teams could get 20 seconds instead of 30 to form a scrum before the ref then starts the engagement process. However, this year the most pleasing change is the added competitiveness in the Trans Tasman matches. What does frustrate me is how the rugby media in Australasia allow the the whole ‘‘rugby is boring’’/’’rugby yawnion’’ narrative to take hold from from vindictive league types, the chairman of the ARL commission and News Limited Australia. Stick up for the game and shift the narrative!
22 Go to commentsIt’s not new for nines to be the key playmaker. For the Boks it has been common, with Fourie du Preez and Joost vd Westhuizen being obvious examples. It's also not that recent for nines to be box kicking, covering high balls in the back field, and tackling in the defensive line. For example, Faf de Klerk has been doing all of that for years.
6 Go to commentsThe hell with this constant regurgitation of what this pretty boy is doing. For all I care he might as well be doing a Jamie Oliver cooking course. Rugby is not a progression toward the NFL, which, given its prominence in your reporting, you appear to regard as the ultimate contact sport. It has virtually nothing to do with rugby, and forever may that remain the case. I know that if I don’t like it I don’t have to read it, but I’m sick of seeing this dishwater-dull nonsense.
2 Go to commentsGuys Eben did not mean it in a ugly way as it’s just a feeling he had. We Safas rate the All Blacks and no Bok player wants to play NZ in a Knockout game
147 Go to commentsHe basically described who Aaron Smith also considers the GOAT 9….the one & only Fourie du Preez😎
6 Go to commentsI’m hoping that the Reds can win their last 4 games with a couple of try bonus points. The pessimist in me wouldn't be surprised if the Drua and the Tahs knock the Reds over. The Reds may end up ruing the fact they were distinctly 2nd best against the Force and just so clunky against Moana Pasifica. The Brumbies should win all their remaining games with some bonus points giving them at least a top 2 finish as the leading Kiwi sides will take points off each other. How the Brumbies handle the fact that they will be expected to beat the Crusaders will fascinate me. You’d probably have to go back to 2001 for the last time the Brumbies would go into a game against the Crusaders odds on to win.
8 Go to commentsFree to air is the key to fan expansion. I attended last weeks game at Suncorp (Reds v Blues) and the total cost is prohibitive to most people that wish to attend. Two tickets $130, parking (event day gouging) $75, road tolls $20, dinner beforehand $130, plus some petrol and a beer inside the stadium and a single game starts to cost $300-400. Who can afford that week in week out, I’d love to go more but could only afford this one game to see the Blues, I’d have loved to have seen more NZ teams here but I’d need to stop eating or sell a kidney.
22 Go to commentsBrumbies are looking good and if they keep their home form up a final is not beyond the realms of possibility. They showed against the Hurricanes exactly how clinical they can be as they absorbed pressure in that contest while also scoring points and applying their own pressure. Reds are well placed as well but need to find consistency. They are building a longer term project with a young side and plenty of quality players. Been surprising to see the strength of Aussie sides this year after the debacle of the world cup. Have NZ sides gotten weaker? Have Aussie sides gotten stronger? A bit of both I would say. Whatever the case its good to see some actual competition between NZ and Aus sides again and thats exactly what the fans wanted and is probably driving better viewership numbers. All of this can only be healthy for Aus and Super Rugby and I hope the Brumbies go all the way.
8 Go to commentsDead time reductions are important as is ball in play time increases. Premiership leads the way in terms of ball in play and Northern refereeing standards around the breakdown has sped up the game significantly. Super Rugby is trying new things but its not leading the way in terms of making gains in reducing dead time and ball in play time. Northern administrators are also not against speeding up the game, on the contrary they want a faster game and have been trying things and are embracing increasing the speed of rugby. Super Rugby isnt providing a blueprint for anything, its just part the agreed upon blueprint that administrators across the world are moving to.
22 Go to commentsSome interesting stats that just proved what my first impression of NZ’s drive to speed up Rugby Union would amount to - fine margins here and there to cut a few seconds off the game and nothing else. To do more there would have to be wholesale changes to the game like doing away with scrums, lineouts and bringing back the ELV’s to have free kicks instead of penalties. Very little chance of it happening but, in the end, Ruby Union would be a 15-man version of Rugby League. There are reasons why Rugby Union is globally more popular that Rugby League and what NZ are also not considering is the unintended consequences of what they want to achieve. This will end up turning Rugby Union into a low value product that will not be acceptable to the paying public. If people really wanted a sped-up version of rugby, then why is Rugby Union globally way more popular than Rugby League? Rugby lovers all over the world are also not stupid and have seen through what NZ are trying to achieve here, selfishly to bring back their glory days of dominance over every other nation and compete with Rugby League that is dominant in Australasia. NH countries just don’t have the cattle, or the fantastic weather needed to play like NZ SR franchises do so good luck to whoever has to try and convince the NH to accept going back to the days of NZ dominance and agreeing to wreck the game in the process. I have serious doubts on the validity of the TV stats presented by GP. All they did was expand the broadcasting base by putting it on free to air, not even any indication of arresting the continued drop in viewership. Match day attendance goes hand in hand with broadcast ratings so if there was an increase in the one you should expect to see it with the other. However, the drop in match day attendance is very evident to the casual highlights package viewer. The only club who looks to be getting solid attendance is the Drua. I am calling it now that NZ’s quest to speed up the game will fail and so will the vote on the 20-minute red card.
22 Go to commentsAll of these media pundits always miss the obvious whenever they analyse what is ailing or assisting the game. Rugby always has contentious points for debate when picking apart individual games and finding fault with itself. All this focus and scrutiny on “speeding up the game”, “high ball in play” etc is all contextual to the fan. As a tv viewer, if you’re absorbed into a game, regardless if your team is playing or not, more ball in play time and action are all byproducts of the contest. A good contest subliminally affects your memory in selectively remembering all the good aspects. A poor contest and your brain has switched off because its a blowout and the result is never in doubt or it’s a real chore to watch and remain engaged throughout. The URC, Top 14 and English premiership are all competitions that feel like there’s real jeopardy each week. The dominance of Super rugby by NZ teams was unhealthy from a sustainable interest perspective. You can’t fault those teams or the players, but the lack of competitions won by SA and Australian teams long term was always going to test the faith and patience of die-hard and casual fans from those regions. SANZAR took their eye off the fans and fans voted with their feet and subscriptions. They were so concerned about expanding their product they forgot the golden rule about broadcasting live sport. Viewers tune in more when there’s an atmosphere and a true contest. You need to fill stadiums to create one, host unions need to do more to service ticket buyers, and this year proves the other, there’s more interest in Super rugby this year only because more games are competitive with less foregone conclusions. All these micro statistics bandied about, only interest the bean counters and trainspotters.
22 Go to commentsThe match experience still sucks at SR games, irrespective of the game being a little quicker. Rugby has to compete with so much in the modern world, if you’re going to get people to leave their houses and pay to watch a game in winter then the experience has to be worthwhile.
22 Go to commentsIt’s a good, timely wake up call for NZ Rugby (seem to be a few of them lately!) - sort out the bureaucratic nonsense at board level. We can’t expect to stay the number one option without keeping fans/players engaged. We’ve obviously been bleeding players to league for years but can’t let the floodgates open (although I think this headline is hyperbolic as it’s a result of a recent Warriors pathways system where they are tracking things more closely) Understand the need to focus boys on rugby if they’re at a proud rugby school too, don’t think it’s harsh at all re Barakat in Hamilton. Reward the committed players with squad positions. An elite 1st XV system in NZ has done more for league than they even realise, think it’s good to protect our game further.
6 Go to commentsDon’t pay a blind bit of notice to Lukie… he likes the sound of his own voice and is always looking for something controversial to say. He has been banging on about Leinster's defensive system all season like he knows something Jacques Nienebar doesn’t. Which is the reason why he didn’t apply for the job obviously
16 Go to commentsWho got the benefits out of Schmidt, Lowe, Aki, and Gibson Park?
16 Go to commentsWhat’s new its a common occurrence, just the journos out there expecting a negative spin. The outcome will be beneficial to jordie and Leinster. The home grown lads hav got some experience to step up to and be more competitive, that or spend the 6 months keeping the bench warm.
16 Go to commentsI’m all for speeding up the game. But can we be certain that the slowness of the game contributed to fans walking out? I’m not so sure. Super rugby largely suffered from most fans only being able to, really, follow the games played in their own time zone. So at least a third of the fan base wasn’t engaged at any point in time. As a Saffer following SA teams in the URC - I now watch virtually every European game played on the weekend. In SR, I wouldn’t be bothered to follow the games being played on the other side of the world, at weird hours, if my team wasn’t playing. I now follow the whole tournament and not just the games in my time zone. Second, with New Zealand teams always winning. It’s like formula one. When one team dominates, people lose interest. After COVID, with SA leaving and Australia dipping in form, SR became an even greater one horse race. Thats why I think Japan’s league needs to get in the mix. The international flavor of those teams could make for a great spectacle. But surely if we believe that shaving seconds off lost time events in rugby is going to draw fans back, we should be shown some figures that supports this idea before we draw any major conclusions. Where are the stats that shows these changes have made that sort of impact? We’ve measured down to the average no. Of seconds per game. Where the measurement of the impact on the fanbase? Does a rugby “fan” who lost interest because of ball in play time suddenly have a revived interest because we’ve saved or brought back into play a matter of seconds or a few minutes each game? I doubt it. I don’t thinks it’s even a noticeable difference to be impactful. The 20 min red card idea. Agreed. Let’s give it a go. But I think it’s fairer that the player sent off is substituted and plays no further part in the game as a consequence.
22 Go to commentsThose are pretty good draws for the two top Aussie teams. I certainly wouldn't want my Chiefs to have a quarter final in Brisbane. None of the top teams will want the Crusaders.
8 Go to commentsHonestly, I am a bit lost here …. Ireland - RSA was (at least in my opinion) perhaps (from a purely technical / rugby-skills-show point of view) the pinnacle of the RWC2023 - almost flawless playing (putting aside the kicking of RSA which was the difference between the two teams), rugby at it’s very best …. if I were a Bok and after the game some Irish lads came around saying “see you in 5 weeks same place”, I definitely wouldn’t have thought of it as being in any way “arrogant”, rather a sort of jolly “if we both continue to play like this, no one could stop us” - besides, few of us fans would have, at that time, been surprised to see the same teams playing on 23 september and 28 october 2023 ….. well, we all know Ireland chose to hit a slump to keep the QF curse alive …..
147 Go to comments