England vs New Zealand in Vegas

Talks had been proceeding at pace for arguably the biggest one-off money match in rugby history, although it has now been confirmed that England vs New Zealand will have to wait for 2018.

Why the fans want to see it

It’s the McGregor/Mayweather of Rugby Union: both parties are highly talented, but you probably think at least one of them is a complete arse. New Zealand vs England is a mouth-watering prospect for many, and with the sides sitting at 1 and 2 in the world rankings right now, the marketing practically writes itself. That being said, capitalism dictates every drop of cash is squeezed out of the showdown, so we got our Don Draper hats on, downed a whisky, made inappropriate comments towards our secretaries, and started thinking about how to maximise the profits:

Keep Repeat the streak

At the time of writing the first draft of this article, England were undefeated under Eddie Jones, having matched New Zealand’s record of 18 matches in a row. Unfortunately, the men in white ballsed it up, meaning my points about how important it is that they remain unbeaten are now irrelevant. That said, in lieu of undoing the loss to Ireland through some sort of time machine related shenanigans, it’s important that England get straight back on the proverbial horse on their summer tour to Argentina.

For the proposed encounter to maintain its lustre, England must start stringing victories together again. New Zealand’s loss to Ireland in Chicago was disappointing, but nobody questioned whether they were still the best in the world afterwards.  For all their victories, England rarely played particularly well, with the recent Scotland match one of the few displays that could genuinely be paralleled with the All Blacks’ top form.

England’s steady rise up the world rankings hasn’t been particularly pretty, so the winning run was arguably a bigger draw in itself than the match quality. After all, no-one cared about the Undertaker’s Wrestlemania matches after Brock Lesnar broke the streak. If England want people to take them seriously against the All Blacks, they need to start picking up the Ws.

Select the right venue

When the match was still being discussed, it looked like Twickenham would be the most likely host for the occasion. Whilst HQ is undoubtedly a fantastic ground, accusations of home advantage would forever be levelled at the men in white. Short of playing a return fixture in New Zealand, the best option would be to play in a neutral venue. The Swiss Alps or Vegas would be the best shouts. Or if they really want to avoid fan-favouritism, play it in Australia where both England and New Zealand are equally hated.

Make it count

Surely, global rugby supremacy is all well and good, but in order to maximise the appeal, there should be something at stake to attract the casual viewer. There could even be a forfeit for the loser – tell me you wouldn’t pay money to watch a match if you knew it could end with Eddie Jones shaving Steve Hansen’s head.

Go big

As well as the aforementioned forfeit, there needs to be a reward involved too. To truly see who is the best in the World, they should be competing for some form of silverware, possibly a Cup. They could even involve other nations. And if it’s successful, this could even be a regular thing! Say, every four years?