Behind the scenes: The side effects of being on the Lions tour
I wake up in a motel in Whangarei. Out the window it’s raining so hard we can’t even walk across the car park. This is the Lions tour, day one.
There’s four of us on the trip, and we’re in a campervan. Our job is to document the tour for Rugby Pass, but it doesn’t start smoothly. Although the rain has cleared by the time we get to the ground, we’re not allowed on the field itself like we wanted to. For my presentation to camera I’m wearing a suit contrived to look like what the All Blacks wear post-game, complete with official tie. It’s causing problems, as I also look exactly like the officials from NZ Rugby, which means that several people have come up and asked me for instructions. It won’t be the last time it gets me confused for someone I’m not, either.
At the end of that first game though, those issues don’t seem as bad as the ones facing the Lions. The best of Britain has struggled to beat a bunch of nobodies dressed up as the ‘Provincial Barbarians’. It doesn’t get any better a few days later at Eden Park, where they lose to the lowly Blues.
It gets cold very quickly as we head south in our campervan. By the time we reach Picton, I’m huddling under a duvet in the back lounge of the vehicle. The central heating system is unreliable at best, besides we can’t leave the gas on when we sleep for fear of accidentally killing ourselves.
All signs heading into Christchurch is that this tour is going to be as catastrophic as everyone predicted. And I mean everyone. By now I’ve got to know a few of the British press traveling with the tour and they seem to be even more dismissive of the Lions’ chances than the local media.
We’re all surprised when the Lions pull off a grinding, boring win against the previously unbeaten Crusaders – however my main memory of this match was how the knights who ride on horseback into AMI Stadium were casually getting changed into their costume armour just metres away from the crowd queuing up to get into the ground, utterly ruining my suspension of disbelief.
In Dunedin the Lions lose again, and so do I as I’m forced to walk back from the stadium into the city in the pouring rain. By now I’ve caught a nasty cold, which isn’t helped by a long journey back north in our fridge on wheels.
This is the harshest leg – Dunedin to Rotorua in time for the Maori All Blacks game. We roll into Sulphur City a tired bunch, having driven 1,200km in 36 hours. The British journalists I talk to before the game are spouting more doom than ever, so when the Lions pull off a comprehensive victory the mood lifts considerably. Which is good, because being around all these grumpy Poms wasn’t much fun. They cheer up even more when we get to Hamilton, the Lions destroy the Chiefs and all of a sudden there’s some real intrigue heading into the first test.
Sean O’Brien scores one of the greatest tries ever, but it’s to no avail. The Lions lose to the All Blacks, and we head south again to Wellington. Things are starting to get tense, this next week will more or less define the whole tour.
It hasn’t stopped one British journalist I’ve befriended from hitting Tinder hard in the capital. He knows I’m originally a local and asks me where to take a girl he’s matched with, who he claims to be a former Miss Wellington – I suggest the most expensive restaurant in town. Meanwhile, one of his colleagues attempts to hit on one of the girls the Wellington Rugby Union has employed to show us around Westpac Stadium, despite the obvious age difference between them.
The Lions draw with the Hurricanes, and the post match press conferences started to get interesting. Up until then, Warren Gatland had been mostly sleeptalking his way through the post match formalities – now he was having to explain in great detail why he’d refused to use his bench, essentially throwing away a win to a fast finishing Hurricane outfit. For some reason I’m in the front row of the presser, and I almost find myself ducking the low key hatred between Gatland and the media being spat back and forth.
The tension spills over onto the otherwise benign captain’s run the day before the test. We film a preview piece for the second test, so I’m in my ‘All Blacks’ suit feeling goofy as ever. A very large man in a Lions tracksuit approaches me, but instead of talking he starts gesturing with his hands. His grasp of sign language is pretty poor, so I politely inform him that I’m able to understand English if that’s what he wants to converse in.
It turns out the Lions management think I’m a spy from the All Blacks. I decide to be diplomatic and not bring up the counterpoint that being dressed the way I am would make me the world’s most poorly disguised spy. I remove the tie and jacket, however, I’ve got a more pressing problem – it feels like something has bitten me on my backside.
Sitting down for the duration of the second test is difficult, because there’s a growing lump right where my butt is hitting the seat. The pain is about as epic as the test itself, which sees the Lions pull off their first test victory in NZ in 24 years.
One painful journey back to Auckland later and I’m lying on a hospital bed, staring up at bright lights and a seemingly unnecessary amount of doctors. I’ve never been under general anaesthetic before, but I’m mainly worried about if I’ll need to take some sort of cushion to sit on in the media box at Eden Park.
The operation is a success, and I’m told that it was a skin abscess most likely caused by the radical change in diet and dramatic lack of exercise I’ve experienced over the last month. I can’t argue with this diagnosis, the most nutritious dish I’ve had on the journey so far was the new McDonalds Chicken McMuffin.
The pain has thankfully dissipated by the time I get to Eden Park for the last test. The whole week leading up has been one of intrigue and speculation, so I dress sensibly in case I’m accused of espionage again.
Of course, no one cares after the final whistle because all anyone can talk about is the referee. Sensing that I could cheer Steve Hansen up in the press conference, I lob him an easy question that’s not about the crazy ending of the game. I ask if he’s missed having Dane Coles in the squad, and he can’t resist making a dry quip about how the injured hooker had never actually left and stayed on in a mentoring role for Codie Taylor. To my surprise, the All Black coach then apologises and gives a surprisingly detailed answer about the role of the new players in the squad.
I’m feeling about as journalistic as I have on the whole tour, and it’s over. We make plans to go out, but they’re abandoned when we walk out the door at midnight. It’s absolutely pissing down – just like the day it started.
I go home, feeling like I could sleep for a week. Everything ended up going the opposite of the way it should’ve gone. The test series has ended in a draw. The Lions managed to beat the midweek sides they should’ve lost to. Even though I’m a Wellingtonian, I have a newfound place in my heart for the Crusaders for the wonderful food they gave me and the rest of the media.
The next Lions tour of New Zealand will be in 2029, and I will be far too old to be risking getting my health in a dodgy campervan by then. It’s highly unlikely I’ll ever experience anything like the last six weeks again in my life.
Comments on RugbyPass
Just what the Sharks needed to get things going in the right direction Defence on the outside really creates havoc for the whole team and needs to be addressed.
7 Go to commentsWell done guys both teams will be ready to play knockout rugby.
1 Go to commentsSurprised that Ramos isn't starting at 15. But what a squad of galacticos!
2 Go to commentsWhy is it a snub? What journalistic garbage is that? Sure the guy is a great player, but there are plenty of loose forwards and not all of them can be Springboks. Also, I know of no-one who doubts Rassie’s judgment. South Africa has a conveyor belt of loose forwards that just keeps producing, so the competition is intense. I certainly wish him well, but there is no entitlement and there is no snub.
17 Go to commentsSkelton may be brought back for the Wallabies so that would be the only reason that may hinder Wilson. Easily the form, most skilful and game IQ of any Oz 8. Valentini’s best and favourite position is 6, but lineouts may be an issue with Skelton, Valentini and Wilson. Will be interesting what Schmidt goes for but for me Wilson should be picked on form. Schmidt rewards work rate, skill and consistency. All that glitters every so often won’t be in contention. Greely is one of those players that has a knack of making the right decision. A coach is going to love him because he knows week in week out he’s going to get the job done. The second try Greely wasn’t the guy who made the initial break it was Flook, Greely was at the bottom of the ruck when Flook was off along the sideline. Greely got up and made the effort to catch up with play but also read the play nicely and hit the pass from Campbell at pace and then held the pass beautifully to Ryan.
6 Go to commentsSpot on Ben. Dead right. Havili looked great at 10. Easily the highest rugby IQ of any NZ player these days. Getting a kick charged down is a result of getting used to adjusting your depth to the line at 10, which he will sort out with time. But other than that it was an outstanding first effort in that position this year. I think the NZ media has misunderstood this directive from Razor. Havili might rank behind B Barrett this year, but Beuden is 33 this month and won't last much longer. DMaC is great but flaky and not really a test match animal (his efforts in Dunedin versus Aus last year for example). If Razor can't have Mounga, DMaC is too unstructured for Razor (and is just too small for test rugby). Havili will end up our first choice first five, and in partnership with Jodie will be excellent. Two triple threat operators in tandem, and big bodies and tough tacklers to boot. Jordoe will be the ABs goal kicker. I am an Aucklander and Blues (and Warriors) fan, but Havili at 10 is going to be sensational in time… he can be the best first five in the world by the end of this year. No question.
6 Go to commentsSharks deserved to be far further back by the last quarter. Their tackling was awful, their set pieces were disappointing, their defensive organization was poor (especially on the Kok side of the D line), they kept making unnecessary errors, and they never looked like cracking the Clermont defense during those first 60m. Masuku kept them in touch, with some help from the Clermont generosity on penalty opportunities. Agree with the writer of this article. It was belligerence, and ability to raise their pressure game just enough, that turned the last quarter into a Bok-style shutout. Clermont have a reputation of not playing the full 80m, and there was a bit of that for sure. But, quite often when the intensity of a team drops off in the last quarter credit is due to the opponent for tiring them out. At 60m, with the Kok try, you thought that just maybe the game was on. At 70m, with the Mapimpi contribution, one felt that Clermont were fading, while facing a team that would maintain the pressure game through the final whistle. Good win in the end, but the Sharks are still playing way below their potential. And with their resources, and a coach that has had enough time to figure things out, they are running out of excuses.
7 Go to commentsGood riddance
1 Go to commentswel the crusaders were beaten by a queensland reds side that hadnt beaten them at home since 1999 and queensland reds partied like it was 1999
6 Go to commentsHard to disagree with the 5 points - with the exception that Wilson should be a squad member but, depending on the other loose forward selections, is not yet a shoo-in. McReight is. Aussie is looking a lot better this year and JS has some selection options. Also, Havili’s tendency to get caught, charged down is also a liability at times but he seemed focused (mostly) and is definitely a consideration for utility back-up. Still feel Reihana is a better prospect at 1st five for Saders.
6 Go to commentsYeah nah, still not sure on Havili tbh. Even though I’m a Crusaders fan through and through I’d be stunned if Razor considers him after seeing some of the stunning talent coming through up North.
6 Go to commentsThink it was a great defensive performance by Northampton. They didn't have stage fright in the first half, the Nienaber defense smothered them. They limited Leinster to 15-3 in the first half. It could have been over by then. A great try from Leinster in the start of the second half looked to have sealed it. But Byrne missed another conversion. Northampton started trying little kicks behind the Leinster wingers. Leinster messed one and Smith brilliantly made the conversion. Leinster decided to tighten the game after Byrne missed a straight forward penalty. A few errors got NH into the 22 and they scored and converted with a few minutes left. Another brilliant steal from Lawes saw NH have a final attack which was turned over by Conan. A classic semi final. World record attendance of 82,300. Leinsters 3 week preparation warranted for this one.
1 Go to commentsJust came back from the game and the atmosphere was amazing. Players stayed afterwards for more than a hour to sign stuff and take photos with fans. Great day out.
7 Go to commentsA great game. The Sharks without Etsebeth are a shadow of the team compared to when he plays. The limitations of Some of the expensive Sharks players are being exposed. Credit to Clermont for some exhilaration play at times.
7 Go to comments100% Mr Owens. But who would want to be a referee.? It must be the most difficult job on earth.
1 Go to commentsStarts to be overdone and oversold this systematic SA narrative…which nevertheless has the merit in this case to recognise blatant refereeing mistakes in their favor
7 Go to commentsNice article. Shades of Steinbeck. They can win the final if they take the game seriously; but only if they take it seriously.
7 Go to commentsWhat a sad way to end a glittering career. Somebody should tell him to delete his social media accounts and face the consequences of what he's done. Then he should slip away quietly into obscurity. This isn't likely to happen, something tells me he'll be back in The Sun / Daily Mail sooner rather than later.
5 Go to commentsguys its fine! he understands why he did what he did and has taken accountability for it; why should he have to be accountable to a court? after all he did was abuse people in person - its not as if he was engaging in _online_ abuse!
5 Go to commentsChiefs flanker Kaylum Boshier yellow-carded for collapsing the scrum as it rolled towards the line. It was a maul….
1 Go to comments