The value of the NPC - Scotty Stevenson
Scotty Stevenson ponders if good food and provincial rugby can be healthy and taste good at the same time.
I remember with vague nostalgic fondness my childhood at the dinner table. Given my appetites ran a short gauntlet between beige and ketchup, mealtime was a constant battle for my frustrated parents, and dinner was very much the frontline. I had a Tory-level disdain for anything green and a rural contempt for exotic flavours, and by ‘exotic’ I mean anything that didn’t taste like baked bough, potato or highly sweetened tomato puree, or industrially processed reconstructions of familiar farm animals.
The weapon of choice in the foodie face-off for mum and dad was the oft-used refrain, “But It’s good for you” which is about as effective on a child as logic on a drunk. Children don’t want what’s good for them, they want to test the limits of their nascent human capacity for self-destruction. Children have two purposes in life: to spread colds and to hurt themselves. Everything else is incidental.
I only bring this up because as we get older and more capable of ingesting vegetables and, in most cases, more aware of hand hygiene, we never quite shake the impulse to fight back against people who try to tell us what’s good for us. Fast food companies know this, which is why you can order all-day breakfasts and pizzas packed with enough calories in a single slice to stave off sub-Saharan famine. They know you will order it, because you are just dying to say, “Fuck you and your kale chips, I am taking the Trans-fat express to tasty land.”
And this is why, when a perfectly balanced sporting square meal is served up, we are prepared to turn our backs on it in favour of Uber-Eatsing our way through 6,000 kilojoules of empty carbohydrates all doused in the flavour of the month, which at the moment seems to be the appallingly unambitious Sriracha mayonnaise.
Which brings us to the final round of the Mitre 10 Cup this weekend. If ever there was a competition that represented the wholesome goodness of home cookery and three veg, it is this absolute treasure. It is the lightly braised cabbage, the blanched green bean, the spring-fresh minted pea and gently steamed broccoli of the rugby world. In essence, it is all that is great and glorious and colon-kind about the sport yet here it sits, in all its spirit-nourishing goodness, suffering from collective and wilful neglect while the fans scream for a quick hit of sugar and – God help us – truffle oil fries.
Just as television cookery has transformed the humble barbeque into a wankfest of spiced rubs and smoke clouds and slow-roasting, so the National Provincial Championship has been subjugated by its Super Superior, reduced to the level of garden salad and lamb cutlet. No wonder New Zealand Rugby is fearful of being French-Boned.
Still, here we are, at the business end of the brisket, and it is time to rekindle our appetites for the family feast. A Shield game awaits, between Waikato and Otago, which you will remember ended last time with the Log of Wood heading south so as arguably the most unlucky captain in all of the Shield’s storied history, Crazy Dave Latta, could finally get his mitts on the damn thing. He did. He cried.
There is a Friday night fight to stave off relegation for Taranaki when they come up against a Wellington side that is in the semifinal picture and would desperately like to stay there. Who can say with any authority what has happened to the amber and black brigade this year? The team has cracked, seemingly in sympathy with the grandstands of Yarrow’s Stadium. The Bulls will need to play with enough pride to fill a Mardi Gras parade.
There is the Battle of the Bridge on Sunday, a rivalry I have written of before. It’s low standing in the pecking order of professional rugby a source of constant befuddlement to this correspondent. Auckland will be playing for top spot in the premiership and Harbour could well be scrapping for a place in the playoffs. It never ceases to amaze me that this game can’t half fill a stadium (is the stadium half empty or half full?) but that’s just the way it seems to be. Sadly.
It’s not irreversible though. I have to believe that. I have to believe that one day we’ll all wake up and realise they were right all along, those who try to tell us the provincial game is good for us. We just don’t want to listen.
And we’ll regret it. When it’s gone and its mouth-filling flavour has been lost to the syrupy fructose of the all-franchise diet, we’ll crave it.
After all, it’s sustenance for the soul, the true taste of home.
Comments on RugbyPass
Shows how much attitude matters. Last week the Brumbies got done, this week they dominated the tournament leaders, who were likely thinking they could cruise to victory.
4 Go to commentsA Turtle has more pace and leg drive than Owen Franks, so it’s a good thing he only had to run 90 metres for that try.
2 Go to commentsOh Tamati Tua was in the vastly over-rated Leon MacDonalds Blues system? Well, no wonder he was wasted, much like Emoni Narawa and Jacob Ratumaitavuki-Kneepkens under MacDonald. now look at them. Good thing Tua isn’t eligible, the Aussies latch on to any player who isn’t tied down.
4 Go to commentsMark Telea is a lot of things, but a defensive juggernaut has never been one of them. There will be far bigger tests in that regard for the youngster.
10 Go to commentsLove and respect to Fiji but not a chance outside of 7s
4 Go to commentsGood summation Ned. Agree the Canes were out-muscled for once (except at the scrum!) by a focused Brumbies outfit. Tua deserves consideration for higher honors after the way he humbled Jordie and the Canes defense. Thankfully, his lack of eligibility for Oz keeps him from Joe’s plans. While I also agree the injuries affected the Canes performance, some players seemed to lack focus and intensity for this match. Perhaps after the Blues demolished the Brumbies, they thought it was going to be easy? A good reminder that any slip up in preparation can have a big affect on the result. Brumbies deserved that win.
4 Go to commentsKarl Dixon should never have been appointed this fixture, absolute disgrace, He’s not much of a referee anyway, didn't have the balls to send his mate care off
5 Go to commentsBrilliant article! Harry of 8/9
2 Go to comments‘UK athletes' have been in the NFL from the start.
1 Go to commentsIt’s going to be Scott Barrett. He’s the coaches mate and captain of a previously elite team. Ardie a great option but scooter has worked with the coach and Ardie still as big a leader as needed.
23 Go to commentsI commend Colin Scotts bio All Balls. He was the first Aussie to make it to NFL. But he was poached and did a full apprenticeship at the University of Hawaii. He was 130kgs surfed played 1st grade cricket etc. big guy by normal but not NFL standards and a top athlete. Even then the nfl were picking up Tongans and Samoans for their natural size and explosive power. They want explosive power not cardio from the big boys so a guy like Taniela Tupou would have been good if picked up young enough. He has fast twitch and they’d bulk the little lad up and give him something to do. soccer teams set up academies and look for Over Sara’s talent eg Messi was at Barcelona since a teenager and harry kewell went to Leeds as a teenager like 16 or something.
11 Go to commentsThe article alludes to the fact that this isn’t about picking a captain. But picking a great captain. So who would make for a great All Black captain - not just an obvious or safe shoo-in? I’m not sure Ardie’s the guy and Barret doesn’t stand out either.
23 Go to commentsI guess we may all agree on the fact, that the ABs and Boks are the two in contest for No 1 in rugby history (the triple-A sort of) …. the Wallabies, England and France are the next tier, with Ireland being the new kid in town (AA) …. in my view it makes little sense creating imaginary competitions (unless you have too much time to waste)
45 Go to commentsWhat a joke. Total joke and the pundits commentating, all of whom know a bit about the game, could barely disguise their contempt. Reaching for the card then pulling back when he realised a red card would carry further match suspensions is simply not his decision to make. A clear and obvious influence on the outcome of this match and indeed, the championship path.
5 Go to commentsI like the idea, in NZ the Ranfurly Shield and NPC coexist, both having their own bragging rights. The World Cup would be the pinnacle, but the competition and travels of these trophies would be interesting.
45 Go to commentsDon’t worry Sonny bill Williams leave that awkward situation about the curfew in the pass whoever it was it doesn’t matter its no big deal we back our All Blacks through the storm and the thunder until we see the Sun light again.
42 Go to commentsWho listens to this retard? He was a massive liability as a player but obviously a media sensation
42 Go to commentsI’m not surprised by such ‘virtue signalling’ by Sonny Boy. Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. He’s such a pious Islamic muppet, imo.
42 Go to commentsI’ve actually never heard of the guy (then I don’t watch League as it is boring). But if he is good enough.. then good luck to him. If not, well, he can always return to league.
2 Go to commentsIt is pretty clear that by almost any measure that NZ are a more successful rugby nation than South Africa. Quite aside from the distasteful events during the last RWC final. NZ lead SA in all significant measurements.
45 Go to comments