'I can remember the exact moment my soul was first crushed by a rugby coach'
Former rugby player Sam Smith, an ex-England age-grade representative and Gallagher Premiership veteran has recently shared a profound experience from his youth that transformed his outlook on the game.
As a teenager, Smith was rocked by a brutal conversation with a group of coaches that inadvertently wounded his self-confidence and had lasting effects on his sense of self-worth.
Now 32 and seven years retired from the game, Smith took to Linkedin to share how what might have been intended as a pep talk had a lasting negative effect on his self-worth and contributed to an emotional timebomb that detonated when he retired.
“I can remember the exact moment my soul was first crushed by a rugby coach,” Smith recounted on a recent Linkedin post. “I was 16, sat in the Bath University cafeteria.
“I’d been on a week-long Junior National Academy selection camp, after a decent England U16s season. The coaches sat me down and said: “Look Sam you’re nice kid, but nice means nothing in rugby. If you want to make it you better toughen up.”
“It wasn’t my skillset or abilities that were lacking – areas that I could improve. I was lacking. I wasn’t tough enough.”
Although the unintended impact left him disheartened, it ultimately served as a catalyst for his career trajectory. The inadvertent words spurred Smith to prove his worth and he would go on to represent England U18s and later Harlequins and Worcester Warriors in the Premiership.
“I remember walking away feeling so much shame. Am I not the kind of person who can make it in rugby? What’s wrong with me?
“At that point rugby stopped being a game I got to play and became a job I had to get better at. This pain, as it does for many, fuelled me.”
While his drive to succeed proved successful, with Smith representing Harlequins 78 times, it came at a cost.
“It meant I was willing to sacrifice my sense of self and become someone I wasn’t, in order to succeed. 17 years later I can write this and say I’ve healed – I’ve remembered who I am, but it’s not been an easy journey.
“Through my work with pro athletes, I know that these stories aren’t rare.
“No wonder we attach our self-worth to our performance and no wonder losing hurts so bad. Because we aren’t just losing a game, it’s more proof that we aren’t a good enough human.
“We’re broken and we need fixing.”
His rugby journey concluded prematurely in April 2016, when a devastating 15 cm quad tear put an end to his professional playing days at the young age of just 26. Poor advice and a loophole in his insurance policy meant he missed out on a £100,000 compensation claim and ended up effectively starting from scratch and re-mortgaging his house.
“Fast forward to retirement and all of a sudden the only thing holding your identity together, the one thing that made you feel worthy is taken from you.
“And what are you left with? Absolutely nothing.
“I’d spent 13+ years being “Sam the rugby player. It was all I had, all I’d worked for, and all I cared about. My deepest fear came to life — I lost my identity.
“Because if I wasn’t Sam, the rugby player, then who was I? Two years later, I was still miserable.”
Smith turned his handed to business, opening up a chain of coffee shops and a coffee roaster which he recently sold, but he conceded that his drive to succeed in the coffee industry was built off his ‘fear’ of losing his identity after leaving rugby and internally he was struggling.
“I opened a coffee shop, which over time evolved into 3 shops and a coffee roasters – turning over £2.5 million a year, with a team of 50+ across 3 cities.
“The funny thing is that I thought I was starting this business because I loved coffee (which I still do), but with hindsight, the decision was driven by fear.
“The fear of being forgotten. All of my self-worth and identity were wrapped up in being Sam the rugby player.
“Underneath all the bravado, I was really just a scared little boy that didn’t believe anyone would be interested in me if I wasn’t a pro athlete.
“Subconsciously, I made a decision that entrepreneurs are often held aloft in society, so I decided to save my identity by becoming that kind of person.
“Safe to say what unfolded was messy at best, a total car crash at worst.”
A workaholic Smith turned to alcohol, drugs as things began to spiral.
“It even got to the point where I rented out my house and ran away to live on a canal boat.
“I tried everything I could to escape from myself. But, eventually, I had to turn towards myself and I learnt to love myself again.
“I was reeling from finishing rugby and didn’t have the ability to ask for help… I was trying to keep myself as busy and numb as possible — by working crazy hours, drinking a lot, and taking drugs.”
A chance encounter with a regular at one of his coffee proved to be the spur he needed.
“One day, Huw, my Coffee Shop regular, asked me, “Are you okay?” — and he meant it. Huw was a Coach and offered to help. I tried to brush him off, but after some time, we started working together.
“This was back in 2018. It took 2 years to get from rock bottom back to a good place.”
Among other interests, Smith now specialises in assisting elite athletes in rediscovering their identity after the conclusion of their sporting careers. Drawing upon his own experiences, Smith now empowers others to navigate the complex transition that impacted him so negatively.
“Don’t wait, like I did, until after your sporting career to rediscover who you are.
“Start reconnecting and remembering now.
“Because once you learn to love yourself – not for what you do, but for who you are. All of a sudden anything becomes possible.”
If you need help following a career in sport, you can contact Sam at https://www.linkedin.com/in/sam-smith-coaching/ He currently offers a free two-hour coaching session, so feel free to DM him on Linkedin.
Comments on RugbyPass
🤦♂️🤣 who cares who’s the best . All I know is the All Blacks have the star coach but have few star players now …
27 Go to commentsJe suis sûr que Farrell est impatient de jouer avec Lopez et Machenaud et d’être entraîné par Collazo… 🤭
1 Go to commentsAn on field red (aka a full red) in SRP must surely carry a bigger suspension than a red card given by the bunker as that carries a 20 minute team punishment. Had Damon Murphy abdicated his responsibility as a ref and issued both Drua players a yellow, which would have been upgraded to a 20 minute red by the bunker, that would have killed Australia and New Zealand’s push for the 20 minute red to be trialled globally from July this year.
11 Go to commentsEver so often you all post a Danny Care story that isn’t the announcement that he has finally re-signed for one more, victory tour season at Quins and I’m just like, “well you fooled me again!” My absolute favorite player ever, we need to make his final year at the Stoop (and Twickers) official already. I know he supposedly snubbed France but I won’t feel better until he signs.
1 Go to commentslate hit what late hit it wasn’t at all late and can clearly see he was committed before the tackle
1 Go to commentsChristian Lio -Willies 2 try perfomance was a standout. As was captain Scott Barrett. Up front was where the boys won it.They are a great team and players. Fantastic Crusades , you can keep going.
1 Go to commentsI don't know how the locals feel about that? I guess if you call yourselves the Worcester Wasps that might be appease. But really we need more teams in the Premiership in my view so they are not padding it out as they are at the moment. It might curtail so many players going abroad as well
5 Go to commentsNZ 😭😭😭is certainly rivaling England for best whingers cup!😭😭😭 !!!
27 Go to commentsYup. New Zealand won 3 out of 10 world cups played. SA 4 out of 8 attempts 30 Vs 50 per cent.🤔🤔
27 Go to commentsShould've done this years ago. Change Saturday kick off times to around 11am. Up and off and back home before 3pm, limit travel time too. Allows players to actually do something else with their Saturday that's family oriented or being rugby fans they could ‘watch’ pro rugby. Increases crowds etc. How can anyone that enjoys grassroots and pro rugby have to choose between the two on Saturdays?
9 Go to commentsI bet he inspired those supporters just as much.
1 Go to commentsBen Smith Springboks living rent free in his head 😊😂
67 Go to commentsGood to hear he would like to play the game at the highest level, I hadn’t been to sure how much of a motivator that was before now. Sadly he’s probably chosen the rugby club to go to. Try not to worry about all the input about how you should play rugby Joey and just try to emulate what you do on the league field and have fun. You’ll limit your game too much (well not really because he’s a standard athlete like SBW and he’ll still have enough) if you’re trying to make sure you can recycle the ball back etc. On the other hard, you can totally just try and recycle by looking to offload any and everywhere if you’re going to ground 😋
1 Go to commentsThis just proves that theres always a stat and a metric to use to justify your abilities and your success. Ben did it last week by creating an imaginary competition and now you did the same to counter his argument and espouse a new yardstick for success. Why not just use the current one and lets say the Boks have won 4 world cups making them the most successful world cup team. Outside of the world cup the All Blacks are the most successful team winning countless rugby championships and dominating the rankings with high win percentages. Over the last 4 years statistically the Irish are the best having the highest win rate and also having positive records against every tier 1 side. The most successful Northern team in the game has been England with a world cup title and the most six nations titles in history. The AB’s are the most dominant team in history with the highest win rate and 3 world cups. Lets not try to reinvent the wheel. Just be honest about the actual stats and what each team has been good at doing and that will be enough to define their level of success.
27 Go to commentsHow is 7’s played there? I’m surprised 10 or 11 man rugby hasn’t taken off. 7 just doesn’t fit the 15s dynamics (rules n field etc) but these other versions do.
9 Go to commentsPick Swinton at your peril A liability just like JWH from the Roosters Skelton ??? went missing at RWC
14 Go to commentsLike tennis, who have a ranking system, and I believe rugby too, just measure over each period preceding a world cup event who was the longest number one and that would be it. In tennis the number one player frequently is not the grand slam winner. I love and adore the All Blacks since the days of Ian Kirkpatrick when I was a kid in SA. And still do because they are the masters of running rugby and are gentleman on and off the field - in general. And in my opinion they have been the majority of the time the best rugby team in the world.
27 Go to commentsHaving overseas possessions in 2024 is absurd. These Frenchies should have to give the New Caledonians their freedom.
21 Go to commentsBell injured his foot didn’t he? Bring Tupou in he’ll deliver when it counts. Agree mostly but I would switch in the Reds number 8 Harry Wilson for Swinton and move Rob Valentini to 6 instead. Wilson is a clever player who reads the play, you can’t outmuscle the AB’s and Springboks, if you have any chance it’s by playing clever. Same goes for Paisami, he’s a little guy who doesn’t really trouble the likes of De Allende and Jordie Barrett. I’d rather play Carter Gordon at 12 and put Michael Lynagh’s boy at 10. That way you get a BMT type goalkicker at 10 and a playmaker at 12. Anyways, just my two cents as a Bok supporter.
14 Go to commentsThanks Brett, love your articles which are alway pertinent. It’s a difficult topic trying to have a panel adjudicating consistently penalties for red card issues. Many of the mitigating reasons raised are judged subjectively, hence the different outcomes. How to take away subjective opinions?
11 Go to comments