Kat Merchant: How rugby and lifting saved me from an eating disorder
Now this isn’t an easy one for me to write. I struggled with body image even as a child. At primary school I remember doing a lesson where we weighed ourselves and did some strength tests. I was stronger and heavier than the boys.
I wish I could tell my nine year old self that years later I’d find this awesome body, because at the time I was embarrassed and thought I must be fat.
For clarity I was doing gymnastics and lots of other sports so had a muscular physique but for me weight meant fat.
I went home and started poking my ‘belly’ in the mirror and cried. This makes me so sad now to think about that one incident shaping how I’d view myself.
Fast forward to being a teenager and I started playing rugby. I wanted to be good at it so I trained everyday and ate how I thought an athlete should. I remember one day eating a plate of spaghetti and vinegar because I’d heard that meat was fattening and so were sauces.
When I was 18 I got selected into an England squad of 44. I was 5’8 and 58kg. We got access to a nutritionist and I got my skin folds measured for ‘fat testing’ as we called it and the nutritionist sat me down and hit me with some really valuable advice.
She told me that my fat percentage was similar to an elite endurance runner and if I didn’t put on some weight my periods would stop and I’d probably pick up injuries in rugby. This hit home. She also got me to track my calories for a week. Turns out that despite training 12 hours a week I was in a calorie deficit, eating just 1,000 calories a day.
I started to up my calories but in truth always struggled to get my head around it but I wanted to be good at rugby and didn’t want my periods to stop.
As part of my personal training course I did alongside being at university there was a section on eating disorders and a tick box of symptoms. My partner at the time pointed out that I ticked a lot of the boxes and they were right when I looked at it. I was portraying things which I didn’t even realise were ‘symptoms’.
I’d subconsciously stop eating as soon as anyone else did even if I had a full plate of food left. I really struggled at buffets, which was a real issue being in camp as most the food was served in that way.
I’d have to circle around a few times and try not to get overwhelmed- sometimes I’d come back with nothing and have to calm myself down then try again. I always had a voice in my head questioning everything I ate and felt guilty about most food choices. I’d never have fast food such as a KFC or various other foods that I associated with being unhealthy.
I had a nine year career with England and focused on being strong and fit for the sport. Concentrating on fuelling myself and optimising my performance rather than what my body looked like helped me overcome nutrition barriers and my fighting weight was 70kg.
When I retired from rugby it was horrific. I was 28, it was a medical retirement on the grounds of concussion and I struggled with the aftermath- a mix of post concussion syndrome, anxiety and lack of self identity. I then went through a devastating break up that floored me.
Lockdown hit as all this was going on and I found myself living alone- I lost seven kilograms by overtraining and being overly restrictive with my food. I looked ripped but was not happy or healthy.
I met my current partner Mike during this time and he got me into weight lifting. I fell in love with it. I loved focusing again on what my body could do rather than how it looked. I realised that by eating more of the right food I had better energy and could lift more.
I’m now in my best place both physically and mentally- I have a good relationship with food and exercise which allows me to enjoy my social life.
So if anyone does struggle with body image my advice would be to try a sport and focus on the amazing things your body can do! Rugby and weight lifting certainly saved me!
Comments on RugbyPass
Beautiful shot from Finau, end of story. Gutted for Shaun Stevenson though.
4 Go to commentsThe Chiefs definitely didn’t win ugly. They had the superior scrum, a dominant lineout, and their defence was excellent once the Waratahs scored their two tries (thanks to some lucky refereeing calls mind you). They put pressure on the Waratahs lineout throughout the game, and the mind boggles as to why the referee did not award a yellow card or a penalty try against the Waratahs for repeated scrum infringements on their own try line before Narawa’s first try. And the Chiefs were slick with their passing and running angles on attack. It was a dominant performance all round, even with many questionable refereeing decisions.
1 Go to commentsWasnt late. Ref 2 assistants andTMO all saw it so who are you to say it was?
4 Go to commentsAre the Brumbies playing the Blues twice in a row?
4 Go to commentsBig difference from the Saders. Forwards really muscled up and laid a solid platform. Scooter brought some steel and I liked the loosie combination. Newell has been rather disappointing this season but stepped up big time - happy also to see Franks dot down. He should do that more often! Reihana had a good game and there seems to be more flair and invention with him in the saddle. McNicoll plays well from the back and is reliable plus inventive when he joins the line. Keep it up chaps!
3 Go to comments🤦♂️🤣 who cares who’s the best . All I know is the All Blacks have the star coach but have few star players now …
30 Go to commentsJe suis sûr que Farrell est impatient de jouer avec Lopez et Machenaud et d’être entraîné par Collazo… 🤭
1 Go to commentsAn on field red (aka a full red) in SRP must surely carry a bigger suspension than a red card given by the bunker as that carries a 20 minute team punishment. Had Damon Murphy abdicated his responsibility as a ref and issued both Drua players a yellow, which would have been upgraded to a 20 minute red by the bunker, that would have killed Australia and New Zealand’s push for the 20 minute red to be trialled globally from July this year.
11 Go to commentsEver so often you all post a Danny Care story that isn’t the announcement that he has finally re-signed for one more, victory tour season at Quins and I’m just like, “well you fooled me again!” My absolute favorite player ever, we need to make his final year at the Stoop (and Twickers) official already. I know he supposedly snubbed France but I won’t feel better until he signs.
1 Go to commentslate hit what late hit it wasn’t at all late and can clearly see he was committed before the tackle
4 Go to commentsChristian Lio -Willies 2 try perfomance was a standout. As was captain Scott Barrett. Up front was where the boys won it.They are a great team and players. Fantastic Crusaders , you can keep going.
3 Go to commentsI don't know how the locals feel about that? I guess if you call yourselves the Worcester Wasps that might be appease. But really we need more teams in the Premiership in my view so they are not padding it out as they are at the moment. It might curtail so many players going abroad as well
5 Go to commentsNZ 😭😭😭is certainly rivaling England for best whingers cup!😭😭😭 !!!
30 Go to commentsYup. New Zealand won 3 out of 10 world cups played. SA 4 out of 8 attempts 30 Vs 50 per cent.🤔🤔
30 Go to commentsShould've done this years ago. Change Saturday kick off times to around 11am. Up and off and back home before 3pm, limit travel time too. Allows players to actually do something else with their Saturday that's family oriented or being rugby fans they could ‘watch’ pro rugby. Increases crowds etc. How can anyone that enjoys grassroots and pro rugby have to choose between the two on Saturdays?
9 Go to commentsI bet he inspired those supporters just as much.
1 Go to commentsBen Smith Springboks living rent free in his head 😊😂
67 Go to commentsGood to hear he would like to play the game at the highest level, I hadn’t been to sure how much of a motivator that was before now. Sadly he’s probably chosen the rugby club to go to. Try not to worry about all the input about how you should play rugby Joey and just try to emulate what you do on the league field and have fun. You’ll limit your game too much (well not really because he’s a standard athlete like SBW and he’ll still have enough) if you’re trying to make sure you can recycle the ball back etc. On the other hard, you can totally just try and recycle by looking to offload any and everywhere if you’re going to ground 😋
1 Go to commentsThis just proves that theres always a stat and a metric to use to justify your abilities and your success. Ben did it last week by creating an imaginary competition and now you did the same to counter his argument and espouse a new yardstick for success. Why not just use the current one and lets say the Boks have won 4 world cups making them the most successful world cup team. Outside of the world cup the All Blacks are the most successful team winning countless rugby championships and dominating the rankings with high win percentages. Over the last 4 years statistically the Irish are the best having the highest win rate and also having positive records against every tier 1 side. The most successful Northern team in the game has been England with a world cup title and the most six nations titles in history. The AB’s are the most dominant team in history with the highest win rate and 3 world cups. Lets not try to reinvent the wheel. Just be honest about the actual stats and what each team has been good at doing and that will be enough to define their level of success.
30 Go to commentsHow is 7’s played there? I’m surprised 10 or 11 man rugby hasn’t taken off. 7 just doesn’t fit the 15s dynamics (rules n field etc) but these other versions do.
9 Go to comments