The extraordinary mental torment of Matt Smith: 'I'd always have thoughts of chucking myself... it got really bad at times'
A little under a year ago, Glasgow flanker Matt Smith found himself standing in the shower, skin numb to the jets cascading down his torso and a belt wrapped tightly around his neck. The now-retired forward was spent. He’d had enough of the misery that rugby seemed to heap upon him at a merciless rate – the non-selection, the empty promises and the long, back-breaking days battling injury.
He was done locking himself away at home, hiding his torment from the world. He felt embarrassed by a profound and prolonged bout of depression, and that seeking help was an admission of weakness in a sport where you could never give an inch. He felt like a failure.
Only 22 years old at the time, Smith saw his fledgling career begin to wilt. If he didn’t have rugby, what was there left to live for? “I’d always have thoughts of chucking myself,” he told RugbyPass. “It got really bad at times and I knew I couldn’t do it because of what it would put my family through.
“I felt like there was no existence for me beyond rugby, and if I couldn’t do rugby then what was the point in me being here. It just really ate me up. I constantly thought about it.
“It got to the stage where my partner at the time was terrified of coming home in case I’d done anything. It was really quite bad. I broke down crying near enough every day. I booked to see the doctor but I couldn’t bring myself to go – I just couldn’t do it. I really should have sought advice but I was just too terrified of speaking about it.”
There was more than one occasion where Glasgow back row Smith caught himself in the shower, grappling with a belt and frenzied emotions. How had life detonated so spectacularly?
As a gnarly, dynamic openside, he had long been earmarked for greatness, ever since thundering to prominence in a terrific Scotland U20 team. The hope was that Smith could star not just in the swashbuckling Glasgow sides, but had the skills to become a top international. He never realised – or perhaps was never allowed to realise – the scope of his talents.
Smith forever pinned his hopes on vague pledges that opportunities were imminent, then felt his world implode every week when his name wasn’t on the Glasgow team sheet. He got injured and injured again, fuelling a perception that he was “made of chocolate”. The most recent war wound, a damaged shoulder in January last year, curtailed his season.
Dave Rennie did not use Smith at Glasgow at all this term and so he was sent on loan to Edinburgh six months ago. The move was supposed to provide him with competitive minutes, but he made not a single appearance before the Covid-19 pandemic struck.
Ultimately, amid the turmoil and darkness, he realised he couldn’t go on. At just 23, he decided to walk away from rugby for good. His 25 professional outings are a meagre reflection of his ability. “Everything I ever did that I thought was alright, I would have meetings with coaches and they’d say it’s not good enough,” said Smith. “It just made me feel like I was constantly not good enough.
“That was another battle I had – feeling like I didn’t deserve to be there, feeling like I was wasting my time. Then injuries come and it’s just a conveyor belt system – you’re out the door, forgotten about. They say they’re going to give you the chance, but I waited for the chance and I never got it.
“I would sit down with Dave Rennie quite a lot but he would always say my time’s coming, my time’s coming. It never came. Young players just need game time and I didn’t get game time. What really p***** me off was moving to Edinburgh because I was told I would play and that was why they were moving me. I get there and Cockers [Richard Cockerill] just feeds me full of the same stuff.
“I just feel frustrated and annoyed because that was my final step to see if I would continue to like rugby and I ended up hating it again. I reckon if I’d gone somewhere else, it might have got my love and enjoyment for the game back, but it just spiralled out of control when I went there.”
It’s been a blast @GlasgowWarriors pic.twitter.com/QdALotfoN5
— Matt Smith (@mattsmith230) June 24, 2020
Mired in the gloom, Smith became a master of disguise at Glasgow. Every morning before driving to Scotstoun, he would don his outfit – a beaming grin and a gregarious streak – to mask the true inner melancholy. This deceit is a common trait among people in the throes of depression.
Scottish Rugby has made laudable strides in addressing the mental health of its players, particularly through former All Black Ben Atiga, who leads the Rugby For Life programme. But there is no question that it can do more.
Jason O’Halloran, the recently departed Glasgow attack coach, bemoaned the lack of attention given to sports psychology in Scotland for years. Former Warriors centre Graeme Morrison shared similarly upsetting experiences to Smith and spoke of how little aftercare was afforded to retired players.
“Like everyone in the environment, you just feel like a macho man and you can’t show any emotion,” Smith added. “I’d always be one of the smiliest people around, but I used that to hide what was really going on. It’s all about being the best and if you have that slight weakness, then you are obviously not the best.
“I feel like my whole career, everyone was too scared of going to seek advice. At Glasgow, they told guys to come and speak to this mental coach, but he had to come into the building and you’d sit down in an office where all the coaches are, so they all know you’re speaking to him. If you were told to go away from Scotstoun, out of the environment, and you didn’t need to tell anyone, the coaches didn’t need to know anything, then a lot more players would do it and it would help a lot more boys.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CAFwEpaBbk3/
“Every person should have to go and do it, even if they think it is stupid. And I’d say after every injury, they should straight away go and seek help. Injuries were the biggest thing that broke me. If you are put in that environment, you know it’s okay. Instead of being like myself, I was terrified to do it and I shied away from it a lot of times. Maybe if I’d had that experience of being comfortable speaking to someone, it might have helped.”
Smith’s tale is undoubtedly shocking and extremely powerful. At various points, he described his time rugby as “hell”, “crap”, “embarrassing” and plenty more colourful language.
And yet, those of us who watch from the stands or clatter at keyboards tend to gaze upon athletes with envy. We marvel at their gilded lives of pure sport and intoxicating fame. We gawp at their physiques and tut at their salaries. There is still a perception that if you are a professional player, you occupy a land of milk and honey.
“You only feel good when you’re on the pitch,” Smith continued. “In a 20-minute spell off the bench I would feel alive – the rest of it was just really not enjoyable. Everyone says it’s the dream job, but there is nothing worse than going into training knowing you’re not going to play, you’re just going to hold a bag for someone, be everyone’s bitch. You’re just there to make up the numbers, that’s all you are.
“Everyone has got this drive to be the best and you can’t and you’re not. No-one I know understands my story. Everyone thinks I’m just this idiot – why would you do that [retire at 23]? Everyone thinks it’s this dream job. I’ve had quite a few people say that to me. It will be good for people to know the struggle I went through.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/BS832k7FLRv/
A great tragedy here is that any athlete – indeed any person – should feel ashamed of needing help. In Smith’s case, salvation arrived first from his sister Hannah, four years his elder and a Scotland women’s international. It was to her that Smith picked up the phone as it began to dawn on him that he had to leave rugby behind.
Smith then came across Neil Watson several months ago, who offered an apprenticeship at his steel fabricating plant near Glasgow. Plans are afoot to take night classes in mechanical engineering, bolstering the qualifications he already has in the field. “It got to the stage where a cog turned in my head and I was just like, what am I doing? Why am I letting this affect my life so much?
“I was looking for a way out and I was put in touch with Neil through one of my mate’s dads. He is always keen to help people out and chatting to the boys at his rugby club. He invited me to look around his factory and because I had all the qualifications, he said if you’d like a job then you can have one. That was really my blessing, in this difficult time when everyone is losing jobs and being made redundant, I was really fortunate to meet Neil and have him take me on.”
For all that rugby pushed him to the brink, it gave Smith friendships and memories that he will cherish forever. He doesn’t hate the game. He still plans to visit Scotstoun on matchdays to watch his pals in action and then share a beer with them afterwards free from stress.
Delighted to get my hands on my great grandads shirts and caps. #alexsmith #rangers pic.twitter.com/p2Maa30CAQ
— Matt Smith (@mattsmith230) April 30, 2020
The ordeal remains startlingly recent – barely ten months have passed since the showers and the belt – but escaping from rugby felt like leeching poison from a wound. The joy radiates from him now, a smile as broad as the Clyde emerges when he talks about the fulfilment and security of his new career and the sheer relief of removing himself from a toxic world.
“Getting out of that environment has done me the world of good,” he said. “I’m glad I’ve managed to get through it without doing anything stupid. I’m finally in a really good place again. I have sorted a job, I know what I need to do and what I’m going to do and it just feels amazing. I couldn’t be happier.”
Smith had the courage and capability to find this glee. In Scotland and at large, rugby must do more to prevent talent such as his falling into shadow.
Comments on RugbyPass
He was in such great form. Sad for him but only a short term injury and it will be great to see him back for the finals.
1 Go to commentsAfter their 5/0 start, I had the Crusaders to finish Top 4 only…they lost the plot in Perth but will reload and back themselves vs 4th placed Rebels…
3 Go to commentsBoth nations missed a great opportunity to book a game that would have had a lot of interest from around the world. I understand these games can’t be organised in 5 minutes but they should have found a way to make it happen. I don’t think Wales are ducking anyone but it’s a bad look haha.
3 Go to commentsIt will be fascinating to see the effect that Jo Yapp has. If they can compete with Canada and give BFs a run for their money that will be progress
1 Go to commentsFollowing his dream and putting in the work. Go well young fella!
3 Go to commentsPerhaps filling Twickenham is one of Mitchell’s KPIs. I doubt whether both September matches will be at Twickenham on consecutive weekends. I would take the BF one to a large provincial stadium so as not to give them the advantage and experience of playing at Twickenham before a large crowd prior to the RWC.
2 Go to commentsvery unfortunate for Kitshoff, but big opportunity potentially for Nché to prove he is genuinely the best loosehead in the world, rather than just a specialist finisher. Presuming that if Kitshoff is out, it will also give Steenekamp a chance to come into the 23? Or are others likely to be ahead of him?
1 Go to commentsA long held question in popular culture asks if art imitates life or does the latter influence the former? Over this 6 nations I can ask the same question of the media influencing the thoughts of its audience or vice versa. Nobody wants to see cricket scores in rugby, as a spectacle it is not sustainable. With so many articles about England’s procession and lack of competition it feeds the epicaricacy of many looking for an opportunity to pounce. England are not the first team to dominate nor does it happen only in rugby, think Federer, Nadal, Red Bull or Mercedes, Manchester Utd, Australia in tests and World Cups. Instead of celebrating the achievements why find reasons to falsify it pointing towards larger playing pool, professional for a longer period or mitigate with the lack of growth in other nations. Can we not enjoy it while it is here and know that it won’t last for ever, others coveting what England have will soon take the crown, ask the aforementioned?
6 Go to commentsShame he won’t turn out for the Netherlands now they’re improving. U20s are Euro champs and in the U20 Trophy this year. The senior sides gets better every year too.
3 Go to commentsWill rugbypass tv be showing these games?
1 Go to commentsWell where do you start, the fact that England have a professional domestic league and Ireland’s is fully amatuer, that they have fully seperated professional squads at Fifteens and Sevens (7’s thinly disguised as GB), and Ireland have fully pro Sevens squad who loan some players back to the Semi-Professional Fifteens squad (moved from amateur for only a year or so) for a few games at 6N & RWC’s. The Women’s games is a shambles, and is at risk of killing itself by pushing for professionalism when the market isn’t really there to support it outside one or two countnries..
6 Go to commentsWayne Smith's input didn't have as much impact on the last final as Davison's red card for Thompson. England were 14 points up and flying when that happened.
6 Go to commentsBilly's been playing consistently well for 2 - 3 seasons now and deserves a look in at the top level. Ioane and ALB are still first choice but there needs to be injury cover and succession. His partnership with Jordie gives him first dibs you'd think. Go the Hurricanes.
3 Go to commentsIt’s not up to Wales to support Georgian Rugby. That’s up to International Rugby and Georgia. I sympathise with Georgia’s decent attempt to create this fixture. But for Wales the proposed match up is just a potential stick to beat them with and a potential big psychological blow that young Welsh team doesn’t need. (I’m Irish BTW.)
3 Go to commentsCale certainly looks great in space, but as you say, he has struggled in contact. At 23 years old, turning 24 this year, he should be close to full physical maturity and yet there exists a considerable gap in the power and physicality required for international rugby. Weight doesn’t automatically equate to power and physicality either. Can he go from a player who’s being physically dominated in Super rugby to physically dominating in international rugby in 1 or 2 years? That’s a big ask but he may end up being a late bloomer.
34 Go to commentsIf rugby wants to remain interesting in the AI era then it will need to work on changing the rules. AI will reduce the tactical advantage of smart game plans, will neutralize primary attacking weapons, and will move rugby from a being a game of inches to a game of millimetres. It will be about sheer athleticism and technique,about avoiding mistakes, and about referees. Many fans will find that boring. The answer is to add creative degrees of freedom to the game. The 50-22 is an example. But we can have fun inventing others, like the right to add more players for X minutes per game, or the equivalent of the 2-point conversion in American football, the ability to call a 12-player scrum, etc. Not saying these are great ideas, but making the point that the more of these alternatives you allow, the less AI will be able to lock down high-probability strategies. This is not because AI does not have the compute power, but because it has more choices and has less data, or less-specific data. That will take time and debate, but big, positive and immediate impact could be in the area of ref/TMO assistance. The technology is easily good enough today to detect forward passes, not-straight lineouts, offside at breakdown/scrum/lineout, obstruction, early/late tackles, and a lot of other things. WR should be ultra aggressive in doing this, as it will really help in an area in which the game is really struggling. In the long run there needs to be substantial creativity applied to the rules. Without that AI (along with all of the pro innovations) will turn rugby into a bash fest.
24 Go to commentsSouth Africa rarely play Ireland and France on these tours. Mostly, England, Scotland and Wales. I wonder why
2 Go to commentsIt was a let’s-see-what-you're-made-of type of a game. The Bulls do look good when the opposition allows them to, but Munster shut them down, and they could not find a way through. Jake should be very worried about their chances in the competition.
2 Go to commentsHats off to Fabian for a very impressive journey to date. Is it as ‘uniquely unlikely’ as Rugby Pass suggests, given Anton Segner’s journey at the Blues?
3 Go to commentsSad that this was not confirmed. When administrators talk about expanding the game they evidently don’t include pathways to the top tier of rugby for teams outside of the old boys club. Rugby deserves better, and certainly Georgia does.
3 Go to comments