First they ignore you, then they laugh at you… then you win
Flatulence is defined in the medical literature as “flatus expelled through the anus”
Let me tell you about a man.
He’s 20 years old, 1.92m tall, and weighs 92kgs. He’s a promising professional rugby player who recently scored two tries against Ireland for the French under-20 team. He has a family. A home. A life.
None of that matters because his name… is Faraj Fartass.
Being stuck with a so-called “funny” name is an everlasting curse. Just ask Boston Patriots defensive halfback Dick Felt or Major League Baseball outfielder Rusty Kuntz. Their All-Star appearances and spectacular plays will fade into insignificance. Their tombstones will be unfairly engraved with a link to this Buzzfeed list of silly sports names.
Fartass awaits the same fate. All people want to do is laugh at him. Well, the Irish weren’t laughing when Fartass tore through them at Donnybrook in February. Stade Francais weren’t laughing when they decided they wanted a Fartass on their team.
Clued-up rugby fans have known about Fartass for some time, but his name only reached the mainstream recently when popular Twitter user Stefan_Heck linked to his profile with the caption “No way”. US TV host Chris Hayes replied “This is the best content on this website I’ve seen all day”. Another Twitter user posted this reply.
Laugh it up media hacks. I bet you’ve not once had to think even once about whether your achievements will be overshadowed by the fact your name is a combination of words that summon to mind both the forceful expulsion of evaporated poop and the sweaty skin cylinders that house the body’s gas hole.
Not so for Fartass. He’s spent his life training while other youths make memes and have sex on the internet. At just 20 years old, he has become an elite athlete. And somehow he has made the million sacrifices necessary to achieve that dream despite knowing deep down all his work will become a mere footnote beneath a bunch of neon signwriting reading “HIS NAME IS FARTASS LMAO”.
His labours shouldn’t be in vain. It’s time to respect Fartass. He is not a fart, nor an ass. He is a man. He may have children. And those children will be little Fartasses. Do you want them to think of their dad as a hero or a walking reminder of a noisy emission that comes out of butts when it’s toilet time?
Shame on you jokers. Shame on you tweeters. You know who else they laughed at? That’s right: Jesus (Luke 18). I hope you turn from your jibes and join me in wishing Fartass an explosive career. One that surprises with its devastation, and leaves opponents gasping for air. To be clear, a career that is like a fart. From an ass. A Fartass. His name is Fartass. Thank you.